Published May 5, 2011
Your tongue begs for mine behind the grinding of your teeth.
I feel your nerves awaken as I slide the soft pad of my finger down your torso.
Your breathing is short and full of desire.
Your eyes slip deep behind their lids, welcoming me to explore the winding curves of your pale body.
Your pores scream for my lips, if I were to touch my mouth gently against your
desperate body would you fall?
A moan rips itself from your throat, and there I find my answer.
My lips twitch with curiousity and my eyes fill with expecting tears.
I walk out the door and leave you lying lifelessly on your red crisp sheets.
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Canary word: Present
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Wow, crazy imagery skills you have. Great work!
Ah ho ho ho. well now.
This, to me, is a bit of a, excuse me, bitchy format.
Not that you are trying to be a bitch, but it's all so blatant, so wham bam, hello mam.
Plus it's trying too hard, like putting on too much makeup or not wearing underwear with your favorite skinny jeans, only one of which I've been guilty of.
Really, I stress length, for some reason, short pieces can be equally if not superior to long pieces, but this one just... needed more.
so much breathless desire, so much rapid confusion in imagery.
Good method, though the vocabulary and word choices, to me, were a tad confusing.
eh, I'd say rework into a more poetic way, with stanzas and whatnot.
I'm sorry, I'm not very effective at reviews atm, havent been on the site in like half a year.
Well if you'd like to discuss anything, get back to me, I'm always looking for a distraction.
Hello there!
I like your imagery, but there are certain spots that I feel are awkwardly worded/cliched/a little vague compared to the other imagery.
Example: "You breaths are short" would really do better as "your breath is short."
Also, I would put a period or semi-colon rather than a comma after "your pores scream for my lips."
I LOVE "the winding curves of your pale body."
I have to say though, the ending confused me. What just happened? In the first stanza this seems to be about sex, but then it suddenly changes gears. Draw out the second stanza - let us know what happened. Because like I said, I for one was very confused at that point.
Hope this helped!
~Blue