Published November 23, 2010
Your hot breath hovered above my neck as you slid the tips of your fingers down my back. For the first time, I could feel everything. Suddenly you stop. Your eyes like the tops of the crystal waves as they crash. My body stiffens and you pull me in close. You wrap the blanket around my waist as I begin to cry. Tears soaking into the pores in your chest, you wipe them away. I study you, the way your brown hair falls softly around your face, the way your pale skin feels like flame against mine. Tears begin racing down my cheeks. Because I know this is the last time we can be together, the last time I would be tangled in your arms with the smell of old spice leaking out from your skin. This would be the last time.
I remember you.
Now you are nothing but a memory, nothing but a thought that haunts me as soon as I close my eyes. I think of you when the sun is hiding beneath the trees. I think of you when the rain pounds down on my window, seeping through the pane. I think of you when the clouds hide the stars and the moon is the color of your skin. I think of you when the sun warms my black hair and turns the iris of my eyes gold. I still think of you.
Tears leak out unto his sand colored chest. He asks why I'm crying.
I still.. think of you.
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140,720 Literary Works • 673,676 Reviews
HI! I'm back, you missed me aye? Haha, I laugh at my own jokes too much *phew*. Now, I liked this piece. No edits needed whatsoever. This is a very powerful story.
It pulled me in from the start. But, I gotta ask -- who's he? First you're at one place then the other (memory, I know. That's not why I'm confused). It's just that, are there two guys?
Keep Writing!
Nike
Alright so, this review is gonna seem like I didn't like your piece. That's not true. I enjoyed it.
So, I felt like this was just lacking a little bit, although I applaud your use of second person.
I found that it was your emotion was lacking. It's harder to do in second person, and I felt you did a fine job, but you could have just added a little bit more, to make your MC seem that much more realistic.
You could also give this a little bit more length, and find a way to compare her past relation ship to her present relationship.
~WickedWonder
Hello there.
This was really good. Short and sweet is good sometimes. But you could also add a little more information and dialogue in this, and it would more power over the readers. I see that some of the reviewers here ask why they are separated who is he. Although I would like to know why, in fact, they have to go their separate ways, the he is better off without details, since you want us to focus on the guy she was with in the beginning, whom she still loves. This is the only thing I have to say... Hope it helped a little.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Hey there! I thought that this was a really emotional piece. I loved the beginning; it fits perfectly for a couple who will never see each other again. My only question is, why is it the last time they will ever see each other? Other than that there were the things that the person above me said. Those were the only things I found wrong with this. Incredible work!
~Luxy
i find this really good with the memories clashing with the reality stage! this is because you can pull apart the memories from reality easily and i believe this is a good litacrcy skill used well. it's got powerful lines full of emotion therefore i enjoyed it because it's not just a dull no emotion story that would bore you it's full of love twisted with sadness. to add improvement i would say define what is going on.
That was pretty powerful. It catches you, because at first, I guess you're speaking about being with that person, or at least feeling and seeing that person, and then it kind of turns into an "Oh, you're gone" type of stage, recalling memories and feelings and stuff.
I liked it because it kind of left an impression, and for me, a little pressure of a feeling, like being with that person. I could almost place myself there, too. Despite how short this was, it was wonderful.
Only one thing I didn't understand: at the end you said "Tears leak out unto his sand colored chest. He asks why I'm crying.
I still... think of you.". Who is 'he'?
I think this was good, and there really isn't anything I see you need to improve other than what I wrote above...