Published May 5, 2011
The boy talks and stars spill from his lips.
I want to catch them,
as they fall.
Run my tongue along
the corners and feel the liquid twilight burst
in my throat.
When he sings cupid dances to the harmony
and the angels silence their golden words,
Just to listen.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hey there remember,
I think you've got a really good start on this, and your imagery is definitely on the right track. The thing is, right now this feels very bare, and a tad too short. Sure, brevity's good, but in this case you haven't explored your imagery as much as you could have: you move from the stars/twilight to the angels, and the transition could be smoother; as is, you're jumping from one to the other with no proper shift. It's very sudden, and so it jars me out from the poem.
There's also the fact that most of it is more or less abstract (i.e., cupid and angels) or distant (stars, twilight), but you've got that extremely physical image of "run my tongue" smack in the middle. Again, it feels too sudden; I think it would've been better to either stick to distance, or thread more of that physicality into the whole poem instead of just there (which is where the poem seeming too short comes again).
More nitpicky, but I'd like to tell you to be consistent with your capitalization. You've got that "Run" capitalized when the previous sentence didn't end with a period, and same with "Just to listen", and it puts me off. It's hard to make it work otherwise.
Pretty nice work, overall, but you can definitely improve it. Hope this helps.
Hello rememberme!
This is a nice little poem. It's simple, but the imagery conveyed is enough to carry the message across. The odd composition adds another element to the reading and I like how the spacing of "fall" makes you feel like you're watching the words fall from the boy's lips. It's a visible representation of the image described and I like it.
Happy Writing!
Baywolf