Published October 24, 2011
I open the window letting the yelling fade into the background.
Mom and dad are fighting again.
Reaching for my ipod to attempt to block out all sound.
Panic starts rising in my chest.
My body goes into shock and its getting harder and harder to breathe.
Drunken slurs are heard through my doors and every word cuts at me like a knife.
Starting to get dizzy, feeling like I'm spinning around in circles.
Not knowing which way to turn.
My mothers reassuring voice breaks through the barrier.
Rocking me back and forth with her sing song voice floating through the air.
She stays with me until my breathing slows down.
Holding my hand every step of the way, telling me everything will be fine.
I take a step back.
So this is what it looks like.
Around the corner,
My father still drowning out his sorrows that will never come back to life.
It's 8 years later,
And I am no longer that little girl anymore.
I still do panic sometimes,
But I know that there will always be sunshine after a long rain shower.
And the sun will still come up tomorow.
But nothing will bring back the father I used to know.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hi!
I really liked it, the much I read. You kind of lost me there. I couldn't really even finish it. But the little I read, you had quite a few grammer problems. It really helps if you write it on MS Word first, then it'll tell you if you have any grammer problems. Then just Copy and Paste it here! While I like the effort, it was all over the place like Alliaaryn5665 said. I toatly agree with her on that. But what I was able to read, it was really good! Just needs a lot of revising,
Hi!
I don't mean to sound harsh, at all. What I am going to say is just so you can improve on your writing.
Okay, I read this and it confused me. I had no idea how 8 years passed. How did the mum go from fighting with Dad, to comforting her than Dad to being gone?
Yeah, and I think there are a few grammatical errors in your piece. I know there are some and it really messes up your flow of writing, but I cannot help you. To be honest, I'm pretty bad when it comes to grammar so you'll have to ask someone else. I don't want to give you wrong directions or anything.
Thats basically it. I don't have anything good to say, sadly. I did read it all the way through, but if I didn't make myself I honestly wouldn't have wanted to. But if you work a little bit more on this poem, I think you can make it work out for you! Just needs a little bit of extra time!
Deanie x
Howdy,
First off, I didn't finish this. It was WAY too all over the placce. It felt so forced and scattered, panicked. I guess maybe that was the feel you were going for. Hm, your poem seemed so off. I don't understand how her mother went from fighting with the father, to comforting her child. Did they just stop? It had the feel of, "Hey look, I'm over here!" "Just kidding, I'm over here!" Get it? Don't get me wrong, what I actually read was pretty good. You have a lot of potential. Please look over this and see where I was coming from. Also, if you get the notion that editing may be a swell idea, DO IT. Editing can never honestly hurt. Well, I guess it could, but whatever. Bye!
Farewell,
-A.