Hi regularpaperclip! Welcome to the site! Lim here with a review.
First Impressions
I find myself very drawn in by this story. I like that the conflict is introduced very early on, with the dialogue about Román’s apparent debt. I also like the idea of the plot twist, where the two are actually putting on an act, though it seems some kind of trouble still remains, since the child has to stay with Bitor anyway. It leaves me with a feeling of curiosity. I thought the atmosphere of the story was very immersive as well – it definitely feels like a tense, dramatic tale in a fantasy setting.
Plot and Characters
The idea of an Elven Revolution sounds super interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that has connected elves to revolution before, so I’m excited to read about this. I like that Bitor and Román both are established as being linked to the revolution early on in this chapter, so the mention feels more intentional and purposeful. My thought is that perhaps the little farce they had in front of the guards will benefit the revolution somehow?
Román and Bitor come across as being smart and crafty. Bitor is clearly a good actor – I was very convinced the threats and all were genuine until the guards left the room. He seems to be the more playful/ jokey one between the two of them, whereas Román seems more serious, with the comment about Bitor needing to grow up at the end. At this point some of the things they say to each other still leave me with questions. Is the prince/ empire thing just an inside joke between friends, or is Bitor really connected to royalty? It also seems like they’ve known each other since childhood. What was their background like then? It will be interesting to see what else is revealed in the chapters that follow.
Things I would have liked to see
I felt like the switch from the act to a genuine conversation happened a bit quickly, and I found myself re-reading, thinking “oh wait, that just happened?”. Since Román and Bitor seem to have been trying to fool the guards and perhaps the servant, it would have been nice to see how those observers reacted to the display. Maybe by facial expressions? Some subtle reactions, since I’m guessing the guards are trying to stay stoic? Bitor seems to have put quite a bit of thought into his acting in front of the guards, so it would have been nice to see that his efforts worked. c:
I would have also liked to see a bit more of a resolution to the conversation there at the end. As it is, the ending felt a bit abrupt to me.
Comments on Introduction
I just have one nitpick about the introduction, which is this sentence:
Two of them were tall, stocky, blond, and had knives in their hands, bodyguards for the other, who was short, lanky, with dark hair and a mischievous gleam in his green eyes, or rather, eye.
It was a bit difficult to make sense of. Having three individuals introduced in one sentence was kind of overwhelming for me, especially starting from “who . . . eye”.
Otherwise, I thought the introductory paragraphs were pretty solid. They attracted my attention right away, since the situation and the characters were quickly introduced. The image of the cellar and introducing names like “The Fox Cave Bar” and “the Elven Revolution” also helped create a sense of place.
Overall
This is a fast-paced and intriguing start to a story. If you plan to revise this, my main suggestions as I said would be to take note of tone shifts or endings that happen very quickly or could use more of a resolution before moving on. The world sounds super interesting and I’m interested to see how the story unfolds from here.
Hope this helps and let me know if you’d like more feedback!
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
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