Young Writers Society

Hey there regis, it's outvaders. I'm just gonna come in real quick and review your chapter.

I was planning to marathon this novel (or read all present chapters before reviewing them all one by one), but when I saw this chapter, I decided that I needed to devote one review to this chapter right now.

It was a chore to read for me, the reason being this ridiculous amount of exposition and details squeezed in between on a consistent basis. It doesn't help either that this is also done in scenes that were supposed to be fast-paced.

Portray a messy room in detail. For literature, it would take one to two paragraphs to do this, and even more if you want to go further. That's not even accounting for the time it would take the reader to register and picture all of this.

What I mean is that the more you squeeze in all these details and exposition in a scene, the longer the story would drag out. And the longer the story drags out, the slower it would feel. And slowing it down would affect the pacing of the story. And pacing is important to building tension and making the viewers feel the beef of the story.

All throughout the story, these little bits of details and exposition that I'm talking about appear on a consistent basis. Thus, they consistently slow down the story. There are times where it's alright to have them there (like the part where he admires the dragon). However, there are times where they shouldn't be there (like the action scenes). But they're there. Because of that, there is a lack of dramatic contrast, which in turn creates a lack of tension.

Take the eleventh paragraph for example. Prior to this point we know that the guards have found out that someone's lurking, and these fellas getting closer and closer to our main man. The consequence of being caught was also stated; there's some form of narrative stake. At this point it would make sense that the mood would be more tense and hurried. But the writing is not following suit. It's still slow. It has the same level of detail and exposition put into it, like the rest of the story. Thus, there's no tense feeling in the writing because it's got no dramatic contrast to the rest of the chapter.

These little bits also distract the viewer from what's really important: the plot. This chapter is full of very tense plot moments, and the reader would want to know what happens next. We don't want these fancy, vivid descriptions. Those things are getting in the way. The situation is getting spicier than a million chili peppers, and we want to know what happens, and we want it right now.

Doing away with them is also important for this chapter, because the job of the first chapter is to introduce the reader to the plot so that they continue reading. If the reader stops reading because he can't fully understand the situation due to the the story beating around the bush so much, then what's the point of writing a second chapter?

Another issue I'd like to point out is the constant usage bigger words and similes. YWS people are pretty smart, but wouldn't this usage of a wide vocabulary make the novel unmarketable to people outside this community? It also contributes to the cons above. It would slow down my reading experience if I had to imagine each of the many similes.

So, yeah. It's preferred if you did away with all these unimportant details and exposition in between.

But if you still want to keep them there, I got a solution. Just hide them in details. Let's take the eleventh paragraph again as an example. It's about the key. I quote:

"...fished out the little silver key he'd kept on a string around his neck for five years, since the day his father had gone to work and hadn't returned - the sole reminder of what his father had risked so much for."

We could compress all these info in one line of dialogue.

As he pulled out the key from his pocket: "Father, this is my vengeance for you."

It's powerful. It links the key and the dragon to his father, implies that something nasty happened to his father due to both of these items, and also shows us what kind of person the character is, and what his relationship is to his father. All in one carefully-crafted line of dialogue. Small things can imply many big things.

Obviously, it's hard to squeeze in every single detail you added in this story. But you have to remember the tippity-top priority of a first chapter: persuade the reader to continue reading by showing them the events surrounding the story. Always work with that goal in mind.

Anyways, that's the end of the review. I know this review might seem like a copy-paste of my review on SirLight's Hidden Entity, but I hope I related the same concepts to your story nicely enough for you.

Keep writing.

-outvaders

I've never read a steampunk story before, but since I'm an advocate for the meshing of science and magic, perhaps it's a genre I should give a bit more time to. Especially since the opening of this had me intrigued, due to it's nature. A dragon that is made of clockwork rather than flesh. I saw a mod for such a thing on Skyrim, and I loved it, so clearly, there's something to be said for a traditional fantasy creature being given a less conventional form.

This also allowed for a really good twist with the Princess' power. Honestly, that's the kind of stuff I like to see when I'm reading a story. I love when the POV character is all excited and confident about something, and has that hope snatched away from them in an instant. Very good drama.

I also liked your prose. It's very detailed, much more so than I personally would go, but we all have our own styles, and it's fitting of your story, I'd say.

At first, I was thinking that the description about the dragon and surroundings was a bit too much. I felt it was dragging. However, the twist with the princess offset that, since that build-up is placing a focus on how much this guy adores this dragon, only to make the impact of it being taken from him even more hard-hitting.

But I was a bit confused at the end with this part:

"Instead, he watched as she directed the dragon towards him, wings spreading and claws outstretched like an eagle diving for prey. He clenched his eyes shut as he felt its talons close around his arms.

The beast banked sharply, lowering its battering ram of a head as the imperial idiot flew it towards the huge, sweeping window that looked out over the city. The guards hollered for her to return, to slow down, to turn away."

I didn't really understand what had happened, because I thought the dragon was maybe going to kill the POV character, but it seems as though it stopped and the Princess flew it outside instead?

Interesting story anyway. I'll be reading the other parts soon.

Hi Regismare! Here as promised <3

AMAZING first paragraph. Dragons? Fire? Magic? This is my kind of story already! You have caught my interest.

It lay half-curled like a baby in the flickering half-light from the lanterns and torches mounted on the walls.

The cavern he and it found themselves in was a dingy, hollow place that stunk of damp and deceit.

It was a creature of steel and smoke, knitted together at the joints by loving hands and illegal magic.

Hey Regismare,

This was overall an amazing story. I loved the way you described the dragon- you were very descriptive and used adjectives in such a way that you gave the impression of power and strength to the dragon, which is very fitting and was definitely intentional. I had only two quick suggested improvements:

1: In the beginning scene, when the man sees the dragon for the first time, a sentence or two describing his anger or his resentment would be nice. You do mention this later, but it would be helpful to introduce his anger early on.

2: A few more sentences describing the queen's wickedness would really help antagonize her more and help justify the main character's anger and actions. Perhaps if you mentioned specific cases of her brutal treatment of prisoners- something like "She had brutally murdered her husband to take the throne" would be sufficient. Your statement "she had killed my father" is currently the only specific way you've named that she has been brutal.

This was a great study and I'd love to see you develop it a bit more! You did a fantastic job and really engaged me in your descriptions. It was very well written and well edited- I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. Keep up the great work!

Hey regismare!

Wow, so this was quite the read. I think I'm in love with your characters already. The instant the girl was described I knew she would make for an awesome character. And does she have magic? So cool. The dragon is sweet as well.

His dragon was a perfect machine.

A new rush of pride, adrenaline, and joy bloomed in his veins like drugs

He crouched like a jockey or a child over its back as it started to move forwards, - good, good, he thought feverishly as he guided the masterpiece according to his father's limited notes, which he'd spent uncountable hours memorising - opening its stout jaws to bare rows and rows of metal teeth at the guards who'd just come rushing in.

A warm red stream down his chin and then onto the floor accompanied the throbbing across his face.

The beast banked sharply, lowering its battering ram of a head as the imperial idiot flew it towards the huge, sweeping window that looked out over the city.