Published May 10, 2008
Girl
If you allow me
To take you home
With me
After we embrace
Stay with me
For your rays of love
Would wake me
Like the sunrise never could
Be my sunshine
For you already are
My moonlight
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Hey,
This was really cute. The ending was really beautiful. Has you girl read this? I think it could be fleshed out, revisited and made a bit fuller. Try images and words that make you care. They won't necessarily fit in your poem, but words like languid and resplendant are great. Do you get me? Anyway, kudos and cookies for a great little poem
First things first:
1.Title case your title.
2. Punctuate your work, I know it's short but punctuation helps. Note that you were lazy enough to forget the full stop in the end.
Now the poem,
It's short and quite sweet. I like the simplistic style and the words flow well.
That's all I guess.
Aww... That was really beautiful. I'm sure the girl you wrote this for (if there is one) is all flattered now
"Be my sunshine
For you already are
My moonlight"
These were my favourite lines - so simple, but still so lovely. I'd love to have someone to say that kind of thing to me!
However, I didn't feel like there was much of a flow. This also could be divided into clear stanzas. But I'll forgive you this once for the ending was so sweet!
Keep writing
Demeter
That is very beautiful.
You could proble extend it a little.