"COME ON, JANIIINE! I WANT TO PLAYYY!!"
Janine closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she finished tying her shoes. A soft smile growing on her lips. "Alright, Ru. I'm finished getting ready, let's go. Grab my hand". Ru jumped over to Janine, grabbing her hand tightly and dragging her out the already open door. "We need to solve the mystery and save the world from the vampires!! Let's go, let's go, let's go!!" As they left their apartment, Janine struggled to lock the door as Ru was pulling on her, but she eventually got it. They then both started to run down the hallway to the elevator nearby. Ru pressed on the "down" button impatiently. "Come onnn, fastterr!! We need to hurry!!" She cried, stomping her foot repeatedly. "Don't worry, Ru! We'll catch the vampire. He can't get us right now because the sun is still out." The elevator then dinged, indicating its arrival before it slowly opened. Ru quickly entered with Janine following suit. Janine clicked on the "1" button as the elevator closed. As the elevator began its descent downward, she began to think about how she'd been feeling quite suffocated in their home lately, but before she could dwell on the subject any longer, the elevator opened. Ru then grabbed her hand and pulled her out into the lobby and then soon, outside.
As they walked to the park, Ru rambled about what they needed to do to defeat "the vampires" as Janine nodded along, adding her insights here and there. However, she was more preoccupied with their surroundings. Spring was in full bloom and all the beautiful flowers had finally revealed themselves. From tulips, honeysuckles, to orchids, she found it all so enchanting. Every now and then, she and Ru would stop, so she could take a picture of these flowers. She wanted to look back on those pictures one day when she was free from the iron fist of her father; to remind herself that nature had been on her side all along.
The park was now within their sights and once Ru caught the sight of it, she let go of Janine's hand and ran towards the tree with the large, deformed hollow in the middle of its trunk. She then looked back at Janine, gesturing for her to come closer. "Look inside!! Look, Janine!! Look!" Janine then nodded enthusiastically and picked up her pace. When she arrived at the tree, she was shocked to see what was inside. There was a large deep-red flower in the tree hollow! It smelled like the confectioner's sugar her mom used when making her home-famous holiday cookies. She noticed Ru putting her hand in to try and touch it, but she pulled her hand away. "No, Ru! We can't do that! The flower stays where it belongs! I'll take a picture instead." Janine pulled out her phone and pulled up the camera app once again. As she positioned her phone to take a photo, she heard a soft whisper in her ear. At first she ignored it, thinking it was her tinnitus flaring up. She took the picture and showed it to her sister. "Maybe it's a sign that the vampires are going to come back!" Her sister gasped and nodded quickly. "We need to go back to the dead tree and see if the vampires are hiding there!" Janine agreed and they ran all the way to the other side of the park. As they ran, what the whispers were saying became more discernible. "We knew you would like it because red's your favorite color. We're sorry that you have to be here." Janine stopped abruptly and turned around. She then turned left and right, behind her, and then left again. No one was around except for Ru, who was only a few feet away from her. "Ru, did you hear that?" She asked with a nervous smile. "No, what did you hear?" Ru asked as she cocked her head to the side. "I'm not sure... I thought I heard someone... But, it's whatever. Did you find anything?" Janine forced herself to focus on the game, but the whispers didn't go away. "Why won't you talk to us? Don't you remember who we are? We're your friends!" They would say over and over again. They pleaded to her to respond and to remember, but she had no idea what they were talking about. Was she going crazy? Did she get drugged? As she continued to play with Ru and ignore the whispers, she started to hear weeping. "Why won't she remember us? Has it really been that long? She has to remember us! She promised she wouldn't forget us!" Janine didn't know what to do. She looked up to the sky and noticed that the once clear blue had faded to a dull gray. The sun had also decided to take refuge behind the clouds. "Ru, it's time to go home. I think it's going to rain." Ru whined. "But, I want to play more! We're so close to defeating the vampires!" Janine sighed. "I know, but we're going to get drenched at any minute, so unless you want to get soaked, we need to go home now." Ru grunted in acknowledgement and grabbed her hand as they started to head home.
As they headed home, an idea sparked in Janine's mind. The whispers started when she took the picture of that flower. Maybe if she deleted it, they would go away. The whispers started to panic right when she thought of that. "No, please don't delete it! We know that this is weird, but please! Give us a chance to explain ourselves!" Janine rolled her eyes as she quickly took out her phone and hurriedly headed to the Photos app, deleting the photo. As soon as she pressed on the "Delete" button, the whispers ceased. She took a deep sigh of relief. "I'm glad that's over." Ru raised an eyebrow. "Glad that what's over?? The game??" Janine laughed and shook her head. "No, no, it's nothing. Come on, let's race and see who gets home first. The winner gets the first chicken nugget." Ru laughed and ran off with Janine following closely after her. As they ran, Janine couldn't help, but try to listen for the whispers. However, there was nothing. A pit started to form in her stomach and an unexpected question slowly started to reveal itself. Did she make the wrong choice?
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140,089 Literary Works • 672,997 Reviews
Hi redhood! Welcome to YWS
I see you are already settling into the site with reviewing and even publishing your own work! That's amazing!
I am going to be reviewing this using the YWS Critique Sandwich Method
The Bread -- Overall Thoughts (first read-through)
I think this story sets up a fabulous mystery in the flower. You have a good premise here, at least from what I've gathered. You have an older sister (maybe a teenager) and a younger sister who... sounds like they just moved into perhaps an apartment, something smaller. And they're still getting used to it. They go to a local park to play vampires and then something happens when Janine took a photo of a flower.
The Meat -- The Details
Some notes just to get us started: Right now it's a bit difficult to read because there's not many breaks in the writing. I think it would be a great idea to at the very least do some paragraph breaks when the dialogue changes from Ru to Janine and vice versa.
I think this has a solid premise with the picture and the flower! I do feel the mystery isn't well explored as it's written -- the mystery gets there and then, without too much exploration or explanation, it ends. You definitely got me interested as to what's going on with the flower and the photo. Was it something to remind her about her old place and her old life? Was it the past buried beneath some kind of childhood trauma? Was it a representation of an estranged parent (perhaps they moved to an apartment because of a divorce?) -- these are all things that would be great to explore if this gets expanded more.
What's the backstory to them playing vampires? I'd love to see that explored! Like, maybe they played vampires in a bigger house before (my mind is just sticking with them moving, apologies XD) like they built a pillow fort and defended it against "vampires", but they had to move it outdoors this time around. Right now, vampires feels not all that fleshed out as a game so I'm not all that invested with how the game works, and it feels like Janine isn't invested either which makes it even more difficult to get myself invested.
The Toppings -- The end
You have an interesting foundation here and I just want to say more more more! Short Stories are pretty good at writing mysteries (mysteries tend to flop in longer writing mediums in my experience as they get too convoluted or to confusing or solved too quickly) -- I would like more to the mystery here before it's solved. But, great premise so far! Can't wait to what else you write!
Thank you for the thorough feedback, Omni! I agree with what you've written for me and I'll make sure to incorporate it in the future. I have a tendency to kind of just ramble and not bring certain things together, so I appreciate you pointing that out!
This is a really interesting story! The idea of voices being tied to a flower and a photo is unique. You successfully build suspense with your end question: "Did she make the wrong choice?" I like the way there are breadcrumbs about Janine and Ru's backstory throughout, particularly when you mention their father. If you write more stories with these characters, it'd be interesting as a reader to learn more about their home dynamic and how it drives the choices Janine makes.
One thing that could be improved on is the way that verbs are used in this stories. A lot of the story utilizes past tense verbs. They physically move the story forward, but they don't do much to reveal more about the character. For example, you wrote "Janine stopped abruptly and turned around." Rather than modifying the verb with an adverb, you could use a stronger verb (ex. Janine halted and whirled around). Also, starting a new paragraph when the speaker changes would improve clarity and ease of reading.
Another suggestion I have is to adjust the dialogue. It feels a bit stiff, particularly Rue's lines. Young children often speak in incomplete sentences or fragments, sometimes with awkward pacing. That could be good to incorporate here.
Overall, this is a good story. The plot and concept is original and appealing. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Thank you so much for the feedback, orion625! I really appreciate the thoroughness of your review. I will definitely keep this in mind for next time!