This is a poem I wrote for a school competition. It's not the final draft and I would love some critical feedback so I can improve it before I send the final version. Thank you!!!
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
You grasped open my mother’s womb with your bony fingers,
bringing me into a world where I was the prey.
You laced onto my pale-yellow reflection, claw-sharp and ugly.
You covered my peripheral with wolf-toothed hatred,
as expansive as the Pacific,
and my childhood dreams got lost somewhere in the smoke.
I awoke to the chlorine smell of war gas and birthday balloons.
You burnt rubber and human blood like garbage in an incinerator.
Jaws snap snapping, loudly perceptible when I came into a life reversed
on its axis.
my blood, popularized in the morning papers
carcasses lined the streets like discarded animal faeces,
and when I die, the world will see.
This is a poem I wrote for a school competition. It's not the final draft and I would love some critical feedback so I can improve it before I send the final version. Thank you!!!
thank you for sharing such a raw piece of your soul with us. from the very first line, your words carried me into a stark, harrowing world; a place where innocence and darkness blend into one. it's a stark one for sure. bitter.
the imagery you’ve painted of being born into predation sets a chilling tone that resonates with me deeply. it’s as though life itself is an ambush, and the starkness of this realization is as vivid as it is unsettling. that's hard to capture with just a few words, but you've managed very well. this feels both personal and universal. it’s as if the reflections we grow up with are separated from the outset, scratched by the harsh realities we cannot escape. war being one of those, absolutely.
your poem is very much so an apocalyptic vision, in my opinion, which is a disturbing reflection on dehumanization and desensitization. it’s as though i am walking through this devastated landscape with you, witnessing the remnants of humanity strewn aside carelessly. again, a good statement piece when it comes to the horrors of war. it is not easy to stomach at all. death and suffering come at a cost.
to offer some thought, perhaps you could write more of those moments of contrast; those quiet, almost serene snapshots amid the chaos. for instance, you could explore the dichotomy between the "chlorine smell" and "birthday balloons" mentioned. it would underscore the surreal feeling of living through turmoil, surviving tough battles. that's what the poem is about after all, so it wouldn't hurt.
what a poem! ^v^ a haunting resonance. a compelling narrative. it puts things into perspective and challenged me to consider the evils of today.
with light,
dove
Hai :3
This poem is absolutely incredible!! Right from the start, it's so visceral! This not only sets a tone of violence but also suggests a forceful entry into a world where safety is compromised from the very beginning. It really conjures a vivid image of something once pure now tainted and twisted!! It creates this eerie tone that carries throughout the poem, painting a world where everything feels predatory and hostile. I've never thought about that before, but I get it!! That's so captivating to me!!
You laced onto my pale-yellow reflection, claw-sharp and ugly.
You covered my peripheral with wolf-toothed hatred,
as expansive as the Pacific
I awoke to the chlorine smell of war gas and birthday balloons
my blood, popularized in the morning papers
carcasses lined the streets like discarded animal faeces,
and when I die, the world will see.
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