Published November 9, 2009
Maiden of night,
kiss me with your black lips
And enthrall me in your dark embrace
Queen of the moon,
Shine down upon me so i may see your refulgent beauty in bloom
Mistress of the mysterious,
Shroud me in your touch and devour me
Take my all and allow me to roam in your exotic land
For I have lusted for an affair with your court for some time now
And thirsted for the black wine of thy Lady Nyx
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Hi there red_helix7! I am Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer for today.
So, I really like this poem. You use language to paint a rich, exotic image with only a few words. Big kudos to that. The only think I think is missing from all of this is that you kind of leave us wanting more. A little more description isn't going to hurt this one bit, so indulge yourself.
Other than that though, a very good poem. Send a PM my way if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice.
Very cool and obviously original since I have no idea who Nyx is. However, I want more. From what the others have said, I sense that Nyx is a morbid, dark goddess. So I want this poem to seeth a Poe-ness. I want more emotion. Describe the lust using metaphors or personification. Give us more to connect to, so that we understand this obsession with Nyx better.
Other than that, good job. I thought the poem was well-structured and flowed well. And I think you did a good job with what imagery you did present.
Hey there!
While I see the appeal of the poem and the woman of darkness, I think you could take this to a whole new level with a bit of editing. It seems a little bit like this (but don't be offended because I'm exaggerating):
I'm gonna say this,
And then I'm gonna say this
And you are this quality
And this one, too.
It's broken up. I encourage you to rewrite it and put some more flow in there, so that the flow mirrors the image you've very successfully created of a silky, seductive goddess. Also, some of the images seemed a little worn. Kiss me with your black lips? I feel like I've already read that. Try something like, Let me taste the ebony and char on the twin apples of you mouth... okay, maybe not that, but something new, you know?
I love the subject matter though. Final words: go dark. Go all the way. Edit!
~Aussie
This was awesome! Beautiful! I love goddess Nyx more than anything and this title pulled me in like quicksand! I saw no mistakes and that just made this better! If you ever post anything else tell me, you seem like a wonderful writer! Well, that's all. Bye-bye!
XOXOXOXOX
Summer Night