"It's a sad day,” the head boy patted my back –what was his name again? “You haven't got a date -on Valentine's Day no less- aaaaand,” the dark haired nobleman slung his arm around my neck.
Why did he insist on blindfolding me for this?
“It's yer birthday!" That wasn't entirely untrue. "Look, here.” My brow furrowed as I attempted to look in the direction. He clucked his tongue.
All kinds of bad feels overcame my stomach. It may have been a terribly executed transportation spell.
“Yer a good mate so this is what I'm gunna do for you." He wasn't entirely sober. "Knock, knock!" He cackled.
Where are we?
“You go on in there." He yelled into my ear: "And be a man!" A heavy-handed pat to the back, the generous drunk opened the door and shoved me in: "Happy Birthday."
The door slammed shut. I struggled to not fall flat on my face.
Hot breath purred into my ear, "Oh, my." The smoky texture sent shivers down my spine. Blood rushed to my cheeks, heating my face. I jumped, where did she come from? The dark voice sounded like an experienced one. She lowly chuckled, "Hold still, I'll take off the blind fold." The stranger paused, "Unless you rather I didn't."
"Where am I?"
"Look for yourself," the woman sauntered off to her bed. Her voluptuous form sashayed all the way there. "What do you think, Birthday Boy?" I gulped. The scantily clad woman teased, "Not to your liking?" She languidly readjusted herself on the bed, thrusting forth her breasts as she leaned on a single arm.
"T-th-this was uh-a mistake." I never spoke truer words.
"A mean old man once told me,” she slid off the bed. “We're born.” A few steps closer, “We die.” Frozen in place, I contemplated her tawny complexion. Those dark mahogany eyes of hers undressed me. I shivered. “And, in between we make a lot of mistakes.'" Her nails lightly traced my flesh. My hands trembled. She contained her mirth to press her lips against my neck, "How about I become your favorite one?"
Woohoo, all right -was it me or did it get really hot all of the sudden? I decided some fresh air was in order. Tugging at my shirt, my viridian eyes noticed something.
Those dark eyes watched my face, expecting an answer. I was rendered throwing a string of incomprehensible gibberish. Her nails lightly scraped down my back. A sense of peace washed over me, but don't you worry. I immediately came to my senses and backed away from her-falling right into the bed.
"I-I," I bit the inside of my cheek. She looked crestfallen, "Y-you're bea-beautiful, b-but I can't." The temptress came near. I scrambled further away on bed. In my confusion she pinned me.
"Why ever not?" The woman pressed against me with that pout -and uggh. "Your body seems to know what it wants."
"I don't even know your name!" Wait, what did that have to do with anything? My thoughts on the matter were interrupted.
She shrugged, "You can call me what you like." I wrestled with disbelief. Settling for staring up at the ceiling, I brainstormed for a suitable name. Catherine felt right. A moan escaped me.
"Whoa," I exclaimed. How did she strip me of my shirt in that little time? What was she doing with her tong- "Kay!” My trousers were still on, but not for long!
The brunette paused with the biggest smile, "You're a virgin, aren't you?"
"T-this is n-not happening." The woman I dubbed Kay cooed something about being gentle, but that wasn't the point! I clumsily held her down.
"You only had to say the word," she purred, "If this is how you want it." How did I get myself into this situation? Kay wasn't easily deterred. The things she did with her hips -nggggh. Extricating myself from the situation, I began to button my shirt. "Stay, won't you?"
There she kneeled, at my feet with those eyes. I nearly caved until her hand strayed, "I can make it worth your time." Rushing to the door, I find myself unable to budge the bloody thing.
Kay sat on the edge of her bed with an innocent, as can be look. "Did I forget to mention your friend has paid for the hour?" She shrugged, "Those warlocks like to get their money's worth." Patting the space next to her, the strumpet promised not to bite.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey there, Reason! Just as I said on my first review for you, I'll be reviewing this one!
HAHAHA. Yes, you didn't describe a lot on how the "foreplay" was done by Kay to Clove but you know, you got a reader's imagination (or my imagination, to be specific) rollin' and visualizing the sexy scene. I don't know, you can call me a perv or whatsoever but I love how hot that scene turned out to be without, you know, saying too much sexual about it. xD
Keep writing!
Well, I understand that this chapter can be a little different to the first one, I assume that is the Prologue and this is your Chapter One which can look not so related to your prologue because, yeah, you know what I mean. To make this part of my review short, I think this have gotten way to far from what should be on the first chapter.
Of course, Clove, the lead character is there and it's his birthday, but I am kind of wondering if you can tell some descriptions about him first? You think how you can do that creatively, because in the way you wrote this chapter, it seemed like it's also a prologue to the story and not yet the very start of it.
Okay, I'll stop messing with that, since I have already said what I think about it.
Moreover, the plot is extremely hot.
That's all I can say about it for now.
- SM31
I didn't plan to write a novel or story out of this. The %u201CUnconventional Boy%u201D series was meant to be short clips of his narrative: how Clove met Kay, Clove%u2019s temporary home, how Clove helped cover up a murder that Kay is responsible for (but didn%u2019t actively participate in), and other such minor events that weren%u2019t going to be explored in depth in the role play.
I'm role-playing Clove and Kay -and I started wondering, how did these two very different individuals first meet? So this became somewhat of an inside joke for my mates and me. I didn%u2019t take seriously since they already knew his description, the time period, and the setting of the world (17th century France with a dash of magic.)
The two pieces are related in content, but imagine that this one was taken out of context and it's from his point of view (I doubt I'll get to write this piece into the story, I'll only make references.) All right, that%u2019s a lie. I%u2019ll find a way to revisit this piece and tastefully throw it in there. Most likely, Kay is going to be teasing Clove. Nothing-new there! So the first chapter %u2013Endless Night is medias res. For continuity%u2019s sake, Clove Met Kay takes a year and half %u2013two years from Endless Night. A lot has transpired since then: Clove starts getting to know Lissette, Kay worms her way into his life, she drugs him, and other such things.
Haha, thanks for the comments about how %u201Chot%u201D the scene got without becoming explicit. It was my intention to make it clear %u201Cstuff%u201D is happening, but there%u2019s no need for me to write the juicy details (who said that?) %u2013also since it%u2019s from Clove%u2019s point of view, he%u2019s not paying attention to the details. He%u2019s more shocked it%u2019s happening in the first place.
So in short, thank you for reviewing my pieces. I really appreciate it! I%u2019ll keep in mind in the future that more detail is crucial %u2013because sadly all the content related to Clove and this magical world is off-site thus YWS members are already at a disadvantage. Thank you again for the review!
If I'm honest I didn't like this much.
All I really knew was that there was a virgin and a prostitute.
You didn't tell me anything about the characters and when you said it wasn't mature (Team Red)... well, it was a bit. It was quite explicit in what was going to happen next, and descriptive of her attempts.
I didn't find it amusing. I think it needs a rating.
That's fair enough. I apologize. I put down for sixteen and up: however, at the moment I am unable to change the rating (editing the piece only allows me the change the title, content, and my own description of the piece.) I'll add a warning to the description. Thank you for your thoughts.
Hey, reason!
I think this 'gunna' is a bit over the top. 'Gonna' seems just fine. There were more instances of such things which annoyed me a bit, but as I said it might be a dialect I'm not familiar with.I promised you I'd review so here I am. I hope my review would help you out.
Well, well, how do I start? xD! I always face this problem when I've to review. Anyways, I'll cut the crap and come to the point, okay?
I've to commend you for approaching such a topic. I mean, this is usually not something I've seen people post on YWS. Usually the works posted here refrain from such topics so it's a change to read something like this. Plus, I think that you handled this topic well. You wrote this with minimal vulgarity possible. You didn't give us vivid description of everything but we still got this gist of the story.
Your writing was particularly good, I've to say. Usually with short stories, I go wrong when Is tart describing everything. Also, I go into detail like I would in a novel. But you knew how to handle a short story, how to avoid small details and paint the picture with the minimum number of words possible. So, that I think was a plus point for the story.
Reading this reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye somehow. Maybe because of the topics you touched upon and the way you had a head boy play a role into this. I mean, in the novel the school does play a role if not a head boy. Right? Anyways, I think that if this reminded me of that great novel, then this surely means your story was worth a read.
Even though this was well written, I do have some points I'd like to raise that I think didn't go that well. First of all, sometimes the dialogue seemed weird. I am not a master of the different English dialects and I maybe wrong on this one but it surely seemed wrong to me. I didn't like it, but that doesn't mean it is not nice. It can just be me.
For example-
I also would like to add that at times this was confusing. I couldn't understand what was happening. For example, I am still not clear what exactly was the end? I mean he went away. So was that supposed to be the end? Then in that case it exactly doesn't read like a short story but something like a memoir. I don't know. It doesn't really make sense.
Another thing is that you mentioned somewhere in the introduction or description of the story that the lady is French. If that is so, then it didn't reflect upon her character. Had she been French, you could have added some French words to her speech and that would have given an authentic style to her words. You get me? Or you could describe her looks and indicate how they were peculiar to that of French women.
Another thing is that you don't describe exactly how she looks. What kind of dress she had on? How much make up did she apply and all that. Because these little things are important for a person like her. So, you should add on to this stuff.
Anyways, it was a good piece. A little bit vague towards the end, but overall, fine!
~Mia
Thank you very much, I appreciate the time and thought you put into this. It's nice to hear specific details I can work on and what I did well. Now onto the minutiae.
The head boy is intended to have a queer English accent. When they're young it sounds a motley mix of Aussie, Brit, and plenty of laziness -I forgive him since he's drunk.
In the end, the protagonist attempts to leave -but the door won't budge since the head boy has casted a spell that lasts for an hour (the amount of time he has paid the harlot to do her job.) Essentially, this only the beginning for my poor character's head aches with Kay.
She isn't French, but actually a citizen from the Duchy de Mantuan (an Italian city state in the seventeenth century.) I call her a French prostitute since she works as one in France. During this time period (which I avoided hinting to) she's very attractive, but she has a darker complexion than desired. I can see where you're coming from though -I should've elaborated more on the physical characteristics of the woman.
Thank you again.
Thanks a lot for clearing up some of the things.
I think I didn't read it properly to have missed out the end. Or maybe you could make it more clear? Anyways, now it looks like a good story after I know what exactly happened.
And thanks for replying back in detail to my review. It sounds good to hear back!
You're welcome, mate. You brought up plenty of points.
Hey there, Ita here to review.
Well, this is the 'steamiest' piece I've ever read on YWS, that's for sure.
Unfortunately, it seems the actual setting isn't as important as the whore xD
Where does this take place? Who are these speaking? The lack of description certainly is a major flaw in this, though, I must admit, the following part more than makes up for it. ^_^
Unfortunately, I'm here to review this as a writer, not a guy, so point out the flaws I must.
It seems the character is a magician, as this leads me to believe so: ; and this:
New line when beginning dialogue. I'm pretty sure the 's' of 'she' shouldn't be capitalized, and the comma after 'shrugged' should be replaced by a period, or the 't' shouldn't be capitalized.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed
Thanks for the review, mate! I appreciate the effort and time you put forth. I'm glad you could appreciate the humor of the set circumstances. Now elaborating on the points you've made:
It didn't seem worth mentioning the location on account this piece isn't meant to be a standalone, catch my drift? It's more of a, "Oh, and this is how my life became complicated. To imagine, it all started with a single a whore."
If it wasn't for Kay -Clove wouldn't have gotten drunk with a girl named Lis (after investigating a murder that Kay was the main suspect), he wouldn't have made drunken promises to Lis -silly ones (to give her a star and to never leave her side unless she asked him to), he wouldn't have fallen in love with Lis, wouldn't have had his heart broken, and he wouldn't have then become a girl by a transfiguration spell gone wrong.
Before the transfiguration spell -the two boys were on campus. Imagine a pretentious academy reserved for the children of wealthy families or bright scholars. It's a magic oriented place that can only be found through magical means.
The transfiguration spell lands them in Paris, France.
The names of the characters are lost due to the narrative. Our protagonist, Clove, honestly can't remember the prefect's name. While the prostitute goes by many names (the one she's using at the moment is Carlotta Romano although anyone who meets her though Clove calls her Kay.)
In the first person narrative, I'm not quite sure how to use description. Especially for the prefect since the protagonist is blindfolded. Afterwards, he's much too flustered to really take in the details of this new location (the bordello or whorehouse.)
Speaking about the last portion of dialogue, there wasn't a need to start a new line for her lines seeing how I didn't introduce a new speaker.
Again, thank you for the review.
Hey there!
I think this is quite humorous, and a bit-true-to-life. I think you expressed the characters feelings well, along with the situation without it being too outlandish. I did notice that you put "All kinds of bad feels" instead of feelings, but that is just a small blunder. The fact that the lady address was a prostitute made the situation extremely embarrassing, yet funny. Overall, nicely done.
~Epic
Thank you for the review mate, I appreciate it.
"All kinds of bad feels" was purposely written that way. It's a narrative from the point of view of the character and Clove refers to sensations/feelings as "feels" -it's a minor quirk of his.