The cotton of my freshly cleaned beach towel is filling me with aromas of swirling lavender clouds. My heart is thawed by the warm sand beneath me. Arms splayed out above me, I nuzzle my head further and further into my lavender cloud. The rays of the all-encompassing sun hug me tight and never let go. My lack of sight emphasizes the array of lives being lived around me. To my left, the laughter of children and the sound of mini plastic shovels carving out the most momentous sandcastles to ever exist. Above me, a pair of best friends that have marked 40 loyal years of friendship are giggling over their tumblers filled with rose. Voices rise and fall with the swaying ocean breeze and whisper into my mind. These whispers feed my lungs as my breath grasps my heart; it rises and falls. Finally, my eyelashes flicker and I see it all. The children, the families, the best friends, the couples, the smiles, the shine, the glistening waves. Blinking everything clear, my head lying on the earth, my vision is sideways. Children running in circles on the vast wall of sand, umbrellas hanging off the earth. I know why my perspective is so sideways, but sitting up wouldn’t make a difference. The weight of the world, the wind, the water; no matter what, cause my view to turn sideways. To my right, silence, because I am alone and always have been. My lavender cloud has turned into a thunderstorm. The warm sand and all-encompassing sun are suffocating me, stealing every breath in my lungs, torching every whisper in my mind. I am a mound of sand piled on top of a cotton towel. As the sun lowers in the sky and the breeze turns into a whirlwind, I am slowly blown away. There isn’t even enough sand for a singular towered sandcastle. Scattered along the coast, I am pounded into the earth as humanity strolls over me. There is nothing left; I was never there.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well this is an interesting little tale. Before I go too far into the review I will suggest one thing and that is breaking this up into smaller paragraphs. This could quite easily do with being two or honestly even three paragraphs. I just think that will help make it flow a little bit better and also just generally make it easier to read too because right now this is one big block of text here.
Moving on to the actual piece we have ourselves quite an idyllic little opening there just diving into what seems like good times and good memories to be enjoyed together but it seems that is very much short lived because things slowly go sideways (no pun intended) and suddenly we're ending on a bit of a sadder note of just fading out. It makes for a powerful piece I think that really hits you with quite the twist there and showcases how quickly things can turn.
Overall powerful little piece, my only realm qualm is the paragraph situation, besides that it really hits all the notes really quite well. Nicely done!
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hi hi!
I think this is such a neat little story! It's short, but it doesn't feel that way!
This is so vivid! There are so many sensory details used here. I really feel like I'm there on the beach as I read it! Beaches are such an idyllic scene to write about, too. There are so many different perspectives that can be used. For example, your writing transitions from a serene scene to something more somber! I think all of your beautiful description throughout helped it flow smoothly.
I'm very curious about the narrator here! Their internal monologue shifts over the course of the writing, but I don't understand why. I can estimate a reason, but I don't know anything about them! Like with the sideways perspective, for example. If it is to portray a metaphorical or emotional state, I can't tell which one. Maybe you could add more elaborating on them! Adding more emotion never hurt anyone!
The succinct nature of the story feels like a downfall to me. I like when things get to the point, but something feels off here! Almost like it's missing pieces!
Also, I know I mentioned how I loved the metaphors earlier. However, some of them feel lifeless! The "lavender clouds" and then the "thunderstorm" paired with all of the sand imagery, for instance. They are beautiful! Though, I don't feel like some of the language adds anything to the text. I think you could look over whether every metaphor and idea adds something essential to the narrative.
This is so atmospheric though! It's stunning in every way! I think it could use some refining when it comes to clarity, but it's written very well! ^-^
~ Seoyoung
Thank you for the feedback!!!
hi rcecchini5! welcome to yws and i'm going to review this story of yours using my banana method!
i love this line.the lovely colour of your banana
i love the vivid imagery you use. i think this piece is about how people turn overwhelming, and sometimes the pace of the world, and life itself feels too fast for you. i like how you use beach imagery to describe those feelings.
taking off the peels
i like the flow of the story, and how the imagery of the pleasant "lavender clouds" and "warm sand" turns to "thunderstorms" and "suffocating sun" by the end of the story.
i think the neding is very impactful,
the transition from the pleasant imagery to the scary imagery is also done well, i like how you talk about "lying on the earth" and "vision is sideways" thats a creative way to describe a chnage of perspective. the the way you continue this by saying sitting up wouldn't make a difference is even better!
the slightly mushy parts
i get that this is a very short piece, but it would be more readable if you divided it into paragraphs.
there was some imagery that didn't make sense to me. like how is there an "aroma of lavender clouds"? and why does it come from the cotton towel?
tiny grammar issue here, shouldn't it be "causes"?
and the "mound of sand on top of a cotton towel" part i find very interesting but what does it mean? does it mean you're something heavy on something soft? like a burden on something vulnerable? how does it fit into the rest of the poem?
the monkey finished it up
overall, i really loved this piece. but my main suggestion is to make it into paragraphs because that would make it easier to read.
thanks for reading my review, and have a great day!
This was so so helpful, thank you!!