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Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Tainted

by rawritszoe


Prelude

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“Bellus Praelia, born on the twelfth day of the 7th month known as Leo in the year of the dragon. This child will serve our people as the housewife for our beloved son, Intere.”

The Elven people cheered at the king’s proclamation as three-year-old Intere poked and prodded at poor Bellus, who was only a few hours old. She was lying in an old broken-down crib with paint peeling off of the sides, the cheers of the Elven people drowning out her frightened cries.

Chapter One

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Bellus had to grow up quickly, as did many of the fairy race, and by the tender age of five she was already taking on the duties and responsibilities of a servant. She was required to cook food for Intere (in which she often adds basil, which Intere is highly allergic to), make his bed for him (she liked to place tacks under the sheets) and wash his clothes (she always steals one of his socks ). Bellus hated Intere with a burning passion, and justifiably so. He was cruel to her and would always call her names. When she would work, he would always try to distract her and make her yell at him, which would cause her to get in trouble. She often dreamed of running away, but she was afraid that she would be beaten or killed,as was the fate of any poor soul who defied the elven tyranny.

As Bellus grew older, she began gaining traits that shined through her as if she were a glass window . At the bold age of twelve she had a stubborness like that of a mountain and she would never waver no matter how hard anyone pushed her. She had an uncanny knack for solving complicated problems and answering any question that was asked to her correctly. Bellus was entirely independent (a trait that commonly ties with stubborness) and would never allow anyone to do anything for her. This was how she was on the outside, but within the deep depths of her heart, she was very kind and brave. Most of all, Bellus had enormous strength and the ability to change her fate, she just didn’t know it yet.

Chapter Two

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It was the day before Bellus’ thirteenth birthday as well as the day before she was to be wed, but she was not celebrating. She was being forced to marry Intere, but she did not love him. She hated the thought of being that ugly, wretched, stupid man’s wife. Some of the guests who were attending the wedding had already arrived and one in particular caught Bellus’ eye.He was a dragon, his blue fluorescent scales shined like diamonds, and on his back, neck and head there were dark purple spots that glistened like flowers after the morning dew. Dragons have always fascinated Bellus and the fact that she was standing in front of one left her dumbfounded.

“Hello, you must be Bellus”, the dragon beamed, “I am Blayke”

Bellus looked up at the Blayke as if he were the most amazing thing that she’d ever laid eyes on.

“H-Hello”, She replied nervously as her hands began to shake from excitement.

Blayke was about respond when Intere walked towards Bellus and put his arm around her shoulder possessively.

“ Tomorrow you will have the privilege of being my wife, aren't you lucky?” He said smirking. His possessive and snooty attitude angered Bellus.

“No, not really. You look like a rat and have the attitude of a spoiled child. I absolutely hate you and you know it, so don’t try to act all tough, you ugly beast.”, replied Bellus, matching his smirk with an angered glare. Intere looked to Blayke for backup to which the mighty dragon smirked at.

“ You are being quite rude and disrespectful to your future wife, Intere. If I were her, I’d dump you.” ,Blayke sneered.

Before Intere could reply, Blaykes’ spouse, Amour, walked in and gave his husband a loving kiss on the cheek.

“What’s the problem,sweety?”, Amour asked while hugging Blayke and resting his head on top of his husbands’.

“Mr. rat-face over here is being rude to this lovely young girl, who is to be said rat-faces’ wife tomorrow”

“Well, we can’t have that, now can we?” replied Amour as he looked into his husbands emerald green eyes and began to speak with him telepathically.

“ Should we appeal to the elven king and take her back to montem draco with us?”

“Yes. We must get this poor young girl out of here as quickly as possible. The king’s not going to just let us steal her away, though.”

“You’re absolutely right my dear. We will take her under the pretense that she will be our slave.”

“Alright.”

With that, their mental conversation ended and the dragons converted into their human-like forms. Amour waltzed up to Intere and spoke.

“We have decided to take this young fairy as our slave”

“No! She is mine. She is my property and you have no right to take her away!”

Blayke smirked and replied, “She will be our property soon enough, you ignorant little rat. We are going to offer your parents 1,000,000 snivets, an offer your greedy father shall not refuse.”

Bellus was beginning to lose her temper, and was about to shout at Blayke when Amour looked at her and winked. She instantly understood that she was finally going to be taken out of this hell and she was very happy.

Blayke grabbed Bellus’ hand and walked back over to stand by his loving husband. They walked towards the throne room as Intere shouted curses and meaningless apologies at them.

As they walked into the room, the king of the elves greeted them.

“Good day to you King Amour and King Blayke, what can I do for you?”, asked King Aragore as he sipped his tea.

“We’d like to take this little fairy as our slave, and we’ll offer you 1,000,000 snivets, should you accept, that is.”, said Amour smugly.

Surprised by the amount of snivets offered, King Aragore spit his tea out.

“O-one m-m-million snivets?”

“Yes.”

“Have her! She’s all yours!”, exclaimed the elven king as he stood up and shook Amours’ hand excitedly.

The dragon handed Aragore the snivets and walked out with Bellus and Blayke.

When they got outside, Blayke began to jump up and down happily while hugging Bellus.

“ You’re going to be my little baby and I am going to love you and dress you up in dresses and- oh! You’re just so cute.”

“T-thanks Blayke.” Bellus stuttered. She wasn’t used to being called ‘cute’, or to being hugged for that matter. No one had ever cared about Bellus, and for a moment she felt as if it were an illusion. She hugged him back tightly, afraid that if she let go he would disappear. Amour joined in and hugged them both.

“There is nothing to fear, Belly-boo, we shall love you and treat you as if you were our own child.” Amour said sweetly. Bellus smiled.

“Can we go home now?”, She said happily.

“Of course.”, Blayke and Amour said in unison as they changed from their human-forms to their dragon forms. Bellus hopped onto Blaykes back and they were on their way to Montem Draco.

Chapter Three

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Blayke, Bellus and Amour flew above the clouds in the frigid air. The air around Bellus, however, was very warm due to the enormous amount of heat the dragons give off.

Bellus giggled and laughed childishly as she put her arms up and felt the air blow through her lavender curls like a warm fire that could heat even the coldest winter up . She looked down and saw the great kingdom of Montem Draco, it’s mighty mountains permeating through the white, snowy ground.

“Look, Bellus! There’s your new home!”, Blayke exclaimed excitedly as he and Amour began to fly closer to the ground. Bellus could almost see the dragon king’s castle through the white, cotton-like clouds which drifted aimlessly about. She smiled and hugged Blayke tightly as they landed in the courtyard of the castle.

The courtyard was huge, with flowers and blooms of every color, shape and size lining an austere cement walkway leading to the gigantic front doors of the castle.The doors were wooden and beautiful, with intricate carvings of vines and stems surrounding a beautiful rose. The handles were made of painted black steel and curved into pretty little swirls at the ends.

Bellus was amazed at the sheer beauty and calmness of the courtyard. She bent down and held a rose in the palm of her hand, its feathery softness tickling her fingers. She sniffed and smelled the tender sweetness of the roses fragrant aroma. Blayke and Amour sat on the cold cement with her and hugged her small, frail body tightly. One thought came to her mind as she nuzzled into their embrace, “This is home”.

Bellus smiled brightly and hugged the poor dragon so tightly that they could barely breathe. “I love you two. Is it okay if I call you my fathers?”, She asked.

“Of course.”, the dragon kings said in unison as they hugged their daughter to them. Bellus stood up and began to walk towards the front doors. She paused and turned around, “Dads, are you coming?”

“Yes.”, they replied as they got up and began to walk towards the castle doors.


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117 Reviews


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Fri Nov 11, 2016 5:39 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



I really liked this piece of writing- you did an excellent job with the prologue (I love how you started with someone talking like that). However, I did catch a few punctuation, etc. errors. These are just suggestions- as always it's your writing, do it your way.

"'We’d like to take this little fairy as our slave, and we’ll offer you 1,000,000 snivets, should you accept, that is.', said Amour smugly." Here I believe it should say "...should you accept it, that is," Amour said smugly, instead of using that period there. Also, I would suggest saying "Amour said smugly" instead of "said Amour smugly" because it tells the reader who said it sooner rather than later, something I have found helpful.

"Bellus hopped onto Blaykes back" This sentence should have an apostrophe, so it is "Blayke's" instead of "Blaykes."

"The air around Bellus, however, was very warm due to the enormous amount of heat the dragons give off." Something that I have been continuously guilty of in my rough drafts is changing the tense partway through a sentence/scene. You started with past tense ("The air around Bellus, however, WAS very warm..." Then changed to present tense. "....due to the enormous heat the dragons GIVE off." There were a few other sentences like this, so I would suggest reading it through one more time and changing that.

Again, these are just suggestions. I hope you found this helpful. Keep on writing!

-Featherstone9086




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Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:00 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, rawritszoe, and WELCOME to the Young Writer's Society! I know that you'll love it here. :)

“Bellus Praelia, born on the twelfth day of the 7th month known as Leo in the year of the dragon.
Your prelude was really sweet. It added just that little bit of extra information which tied everything together (apart from just being a super cute scene). I would only suggest that you add a few more commas, it was hard to say the above sentence with just one breath!

She was required to cook food for Intere (in which she often adds basil, which Intere is highly allergic to),
This world is pretty different to ours! I love the depth to which you've created and explored this world, it really shows. Just watch out for tenses; in the above sentence you switch from past to present.

Most of all, Bellus had enormous strength and the ability to change her fate, she just didn’t know it yet.
I felt that this chapter was a little short, it was more of a prologue. Perhaps add some more scenes of her life whilst growing up? This was a great way to end the chapter though!

“ Tomorrow you will have the privilege of being my wife, aren't you lucky?” He said smirking.
This single bit of dialogue reveals so much about his character! This is a perfect example of showing, not telling.

“Have her! She’s all yours!”, exclaimed the elven king as he stood up and shook Amours’ hand excitedly.
Reading through, I thought this all progressed a little too quick. It was just too easy. And why would the dragons decide to buy her, for all that money, in one second without thinking it through? You need to draw out the scenes a bit, perhaps make Bellus beg the dragons to save her or something (but that's out of character because she's so independent)- just something to make it harder for her to avoid the marriage.

Your story, overall. is very interesting. The world is wonderful and the characters are so unique. My only criticism, as mentioned above, is that it needs to be longer. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this, so thanks for sharing!





I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content