Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I walked down the broken and cracked street, the smell of old smoke filling my nose. Every time I walk down this street, I am always attacked by the horrid smell. Sighing, I ran my fingers through my choppy black hair, my blue eyes dull with exhaustion. My best friend and side kick, Jason, jogged up to me. "Hey." he smiled at me.
I smiled up at him taking in his familiar features. He had shaggy brown hair and excited emerald green eyes. His face was dotted with freckles, which he hated but I always thought it was cute. "Why so excited?" I asked, chuckling a little while he hopped up and down excitedly. "The World Trade Center is in town!" Jason exclaimed, my own face lighting up.
"Really?" I asked in disbelief. The World Trade Center is a traveling group of merchants that bring the best supplies anyone can scavenge from the Old World. Jason nodded so hard, I thought his head may fly off. I giggled and let out a shout of excitement. My other friend, Suzie, walked up from behind Jason, a smile on her pale pink lips. "He told you?" she asked, laughing.
Suzie had short blonde hair and brown eyes. She was medium height, unlike our 6'7" friend, Jason. Suzie laughed when Jason started to glare at her. I would have joined in if I didn't hear the snarling behind me. "Guys, quiet." I hissed and slowly I turned around.
When the world ended, nuclear power plants exploded, sending a cloud of radiation across the nation. Most of this radiation went into the animals. They grew and became vicious in killing. The damned bastards. Right now, the mutant in front of me is what used to be a tiger. It was twice the size of a human the size of Jason, which it pretty big. The tiger's teeth lengthened to the size of large knives. It's deep amber eyes watched me as I reached for the gun I kept on my back. As soon as my fingers touched the gun, it lunged.
OK THIS IS A SNEAK PEEK OF MY NEW BOOK, SURVIVAL! PLEASE REVIEW THIS AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Nice job! I'm totally hooked.
What happens next?? Please write more! D:
I love how you described the characters (I'm paranoid about that...I need adjectives in a story!!!) One thing to remember, though, is that when a new person speaks, you need to write a new paragraph. I had the same problem when I first started writing.
Anyways, PLEASE CONTINUE!!! I loved it!! D:
If it's okay, when you write more, can you PM me or post on my wall?
Thanks,
Wonder
Intriguing and gripping I would say. The direction is good and the clarity of the entire structure is well written. You might want to enhance the descriptions of the surroundings and the characters, such that I can almost relate to them in imagery etc. 'he had shaggy brown hair that reminded me of burnt firewood and emerald eyes bearing similar innocence of the forests of our old world.'
The pacing is relaxed and I feel pleasant reading. So you might want to consider turning up the pace towards the tiger segment: "Right now, the mutant in front of me is what used to be a tiger. It was twice the size of a human the size of Jason, which it pretty big. The tiger's teeth lengthened to the size of large knives." Shorter sentences would have me read twice as fast, thrilling and engaging me with a quicker pacing.
Overall this was a good read. Keep writing and hold onto your ideas! Let them evolve to something greater with feedback from those around you!
Hey! I love the start of this! Incredible! Your diction is very intriguing. The use of colors in everyday things is very well written. Like her 'pale' lips or his 'emerald' eyes. I adore that. I love/hate the end! WHAT HAPPENED??? I look forward to reading more! It's quite thrilling, and I yearn to read more. I would recommend to use more details on the senses. What does she smell, hear, feel? What's the texture? Also I would like to see more description of the main character. What does she feel and think of the other characters? Sadness, envy, unrequited love? Please continue to write! Much love!
-Hannah