Aurora was chucked through a portal. On the opposite side, she crashes to a ground of rough, black sand. Head spinning considerably, she felt the ache of the new scratches added to her palms. She dared not look at that bloodied mess, but rather tipped her head up and around to assess her surroundings. It’s another cave, and beside her is this berberoka who has been slinging her through endless portals, throwing her from one cave to another. To run. To escape, and yet their pursuers always seem to follow them.
Still bewildered, she asks the berberoka, “What are those creatures? It was nothing I have seen before,” forgetting that this subspecies of merfolk don't really communicate with her kind. Especially when he's sweating and catching his breath just like she is. Clearly, procuring multiple portals is tiring him out.
“Dalaketnons”, the berberoka rasped. ‘Oh, he can talk, that's a rather fast debunking of what's taught at school,’ she mused to herself.
“We have to move again, they can track the transfer of portals, we have to swim”, said the berberoka as it started to drag her deeper to the cave, and the moment her skin touches the water, she shivered.
“Are we going to swim through that?!”, the water looks black, it's very still, and cold. “This doesn’t look like safe waters, we were told in the academy, Cave Water 101, to never swim in still waters, there might be something lurking below.” Aurora struggles by the grip of the companion she has right now, but reluctantly follows. It’s not like she has a choice. It’s this guy who has been flinging her like a ragdoll from portal to portal, running to escape, or be with those tall, white, pointy-eared, dangerously handsome dalaketnons who are going after them. Unfortunately, with the intent to kill.
“There is, there’s a lair of gaki below”. Aurora 's eyes bulged, remembering the one time she read about gaki, how territorial they are, and how they shriek when disturbed, or when aggressed it’s said that they can start an underwater earthquake. “But they’re asleep", his grips tightening and looks at her, "we just have to be careful.”
“Right”, 'as if that offers any assurance!', "don't wanna wake them up, because I absolutely don't want to become crab fodder."
Careful. That’s what they’ve been doing for the past hour, heck hours. She couldn’t track it anymore. Her head is still spinning and she thinks it’s still afternoon, but it may be later than that. They haven’t really been outside ever since they started running for their lives. Oh, how the world turns, just this morning they were celebrating the High Lady’s pregnancy. The whole town was in a festival!
There were a lot of envoys bearing gifts for the coming birth of an Echiverri Princess, her cousin. She had plans for her, for them. They were going to be partners, she was gonna team up with her to beat Talako’s ass in fishing, her other cousin, the entitled, boastful, Echiverri Prince. But that dream is no longer. Aurora scanned her clothes, stained to it are the red marks of blood, not of hers, but of the High Lady Mayari giving birth prematurely, and of the Princess dying in her hands.
Then she sensed it, the sudden thickness in air, like a suffocating fog. It's the same mana that's been giving her nausea. It’s the tell-tale sign that the white tall guys have followed them again.
“Okay sleeping giant crabs," she braced herself as the numbing feeling spread the more she goes under the waters. "It’s either that or we'll get caught by the white thingies because I can feel them coming.”
“You can feel them?” the berberoka asked, suprised but trusting her instincts, he yanked her arms.
“Yes, yes, yes!", she panickedly replied, "So whatever you meant to do, let’s just do it, because I don’t want to die.” 'Not yet,' she thought, 'not in this dark humid cave'. Talako is still out there. He was not at the banquet when the attack happened. He was out fishing, he might still be alive. 'I might still have family left.'
Both the berberoka and Aurora dived in the water, just hoping that the gakis remain deep in slumber. The berberokas, being a creature of the sea, are fast swimmers. Unable to see clearly, Aurora was still able to sense as her companion expanded his fins, feeling its slimy texture envelope her, tucking her securely as he propelled them to move faster.
The dalaketnons eventually came to the cave and tried to follow them but hesitated when they saw the place the two entered. Looking down into the water, there's a downward cone with thousands of gaki, unmoving, but poised to attack with their claws out. The dalaketnons are not sea creatures, they cannot afford to wake these sea monsters. Following the two escapees would mean certain death, not only for them but also for their companions. Waking up the vicious monsters would definitely bring unnecessary havoc to the land.
Aurora held tight as the berberoka led them deeper, still increasing his speed, entering through another portal deep in the spaces of the slumbering creatures. Although she did not like the prospect of going through another portal, coming out to who knows where, she braced herself for the impending headache.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the daunting S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Aurora is running for her life as dalaketnons are chasing her, she gets help from a berberoka and her kingdom might very well be falling apart. But there’s hope, right?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love that you put Filipino folklore in this, this makes it all the more interesting! I don’t know anything about the folklore, but I googled the creatures in the story and they seem pretty cool! I like also how you describe Aurora’s turmoiling thoughts as she is swimming, she’s lost her family and hopes only that things will be better.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very intriguing first chapter! I hope that Aurora will be able to reunite with Talako and everything will be alright, but I will have to see in the next chapter. I see that there is another story connected to this, so I shall read that. So…
I wish you a beautiful day/night! :>
Hallo raindrops :3 Saw you doing some reviews last month and decided to give priority to your story ^^
The water looks is no speech tag, therefore you don’t need a comma and you capitalize “T”. I can link you advice on dialogue formatting that explains all this so much better than I ever could.Hmm let’s begin with a story telling advice: passive sentence like the one you’re using are a lot less interesting than their active counter parts. And this is especially relevant for your first sentence. If you don’t want to mention who chucked Aurora through the portal, maybe focus on her trying to catch herself against the unsteady sand on the other side while the portal closes behind her, taking her only escape option away? *reading on* Ah so an ally is chucking her through the portals in a desperate escape attempt. Then you could still focus on her gaining her footing after the shove?
Otherwise, I like this opening paragraph.
Hm some grammar advice. If Aurora talks abt “these creatures” plural and the next sentence is “It was nothing” then that’s not congruent. Shouldn’t she say something like: “I haven’t seen something like them before”?
If this rly is the beginning of the novel then maybe take a moment to establish the relationship Aurora has with the berberoka before subverting our/her expectations. Like, she thinks abt that these mermaids don’t talk and literally the next line is him talking. That’s … not enough time to establish the fact. You could have had her think some more abt her escape, maybe how the berberoka got involved and that they’ve just been so focused on surviving that there’ve been no words exchanged?
Is there a reason why they both talk in bold text?
That’s just repeating what you already mentioned: “It’s this guy who has been flinging her like a ragdoll from portal to portal, running to escape,“
I wasn’t really impressed by the entire paragraph of Aurora thinking what happened before. It’s not rly that interestingly written and described when the escape they are currently having is much more pressing and what I want to read abt. But I think this line is nice: “ and of the Princess dying in her hands.” It’s a nice end of that rambling paragraph and peaks interest! How did the princess die? Was Aurora involved? Or is this the reason why she’s running from the pale handsome ppl? Is she going to get framed for that? All things I’m currently wondering.
Oh I rly like this character note: Not only do we learn something abt Aurora (attuned to shifts in magic?) but also abt the berberoka! That he cant do the same and that he’s already invested enough in Aurora to take her word on it!
Also like her thinking abt Talako. That was rly well implemented, the info comes at the right time.
Not sure why you need the view point shift to the adversaries/pursuers? It comes out of nowhere and I feel like leaving this up in the air would make this chapter more interesting.
Interesting that Aurora doesn’t think to ask where the berberoka intends to open the next portal to. He can clearly communicate. It would be cool if he himself wouldn’t be entirely sure bc portals are finnicky or smthing.
I like the idea of the second MC not being human and having the ability to create portals. Very intriguing! Thanks for sharing the story!
Thank you for this review! I definitely have a lot of mistakes here, thanks for pointing them out, and gosh I miss having reviews like yours! I used to hand out reviews in this structure too, but it's been years then, and I'm just returning to writing again. So the grammatical and formatting advice are very much appreciated. Thanks for appreciating the story too!
The comment about lacking background is nicely pointed out too. Because this particular chapter happens right after a major major event in the lore. And I tried to write it where the story start from there, buttttt, I realized that I would have a lot of problem because this style would need so many back stories (?), and I can't quite find the proper way to write that interestingly enough. Soooo, I actually started to write another novel (The Kingdom of Ingrid), which is heavily related to this, but with different MCs, where Aurora is a very important side character.
P.S. I kinda stalked you're profile, and WOW you're amazing gurl!