Published July 30, 2010
Forget Me Not
“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
-Peter Pan
Clocks ticked away, her head felt as though it had been tossed around like a tomato in a salad bowl and there was a faint, barely audible, humming noise filling the background as Stella typed up a hurricane on her small white laptop sitting upon her blanket-covered knees. The instant messenger tab started flashing again. She swiftly double clicked on it and her eyes hungrily ate up the words displayed on the screen. The words were blunt and simple, but they filled Stella with butterflies from head to toe.
“I said I’ll miss you, of course that means I won’t forget about you” read the message. Stella took her time to think about an appropriate way to respond. Not wanting to sound obsessive, although she was pretty sure she was, she simply sent back a smiley face emoticon.
It was 1:00 am and she knew she had to get up early the next day. Knowing it would be the last conversation she would have with him until she came back from her trip in six weeks, she decided to tell him how she really felt.
“I love you.” Just as quickly as she had decided to send the words, she regretted it. But, his response was cool and sincere.
“I love you, too” he responded seconds later. Stella let out a lengthy sigh of relief. She had been rejected by a boy before, but never felt serious enough about one to feel hurt by it. And so, feeling content, reassured, and comforted by this last conversation, Stella shut down her computer and fell back onto the downy pillow.
If it hadn’t been 3 in the morning, she probably wouldn’t have fallen asleep so easily. As an insomniac, sleep never came easy for her, especially when she had too much to think about. And on this particular night, she had enough on her mind to rival the thoughts of a President.
Reluctantly, she shut the lights off and forced her top and bottom eyelids together until she drifted to a deep, almost coma-like sleep.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,781 Literary Works • 672,760 Reviews
Good WOrk !!! I'd like to read more !
Great! Even the story is very short yet it drives me to feel good. It touches my heart, a little bit, because experience really creates an advantage in writing like this. I know it is based ON YOUR personal experience. Isn't it? Ahahaha. Anyways, its quite good. SUggestion: Can you put a little twist on it? Just a little. Okay? Good. Really nice... very very nice..
Hello, Ragtime!
I love the quote at the beginning of your story, as you can see, I'm a big Peter Pan fan myself. Even though this was short, it was a really good read. I've not many bad things to say, but I do think that there should be more insight as to how Stella is feeling, particularly how she feels when waiting for him to respond. If I was in the situation she was in, I would have rabid butterflies in my stomach. My hands would be sweating, I would be able to hear my heart pounding in my ears, and things like that. Things that come normal to me when I'm nervous. Aside from that, this, as I've stated before, was very good. Keep writing!
ReisePiecey!
Hey there!
So one thing that really jumped out at me was the big time inconsistency in this piece. One moment, it's 1am, the next moment it's 3am. I doubt two hours passed in that short span of time!
I enjoyed this story because it was short and the ideas in it were compact. My only suggestion would be to add more emotion to it. How old is this girl? She's never been hurt before by love, but how much does this moment effect her? what is she thinking when she sends her message of love? Why does she regret it? Is there any moment of pause between the sent message? What is she thinking about when she can't sleep? Mostly: there's just not much behind this piece. It's very simple, and short, simple things generally work because with strong emotions behind them and I didn't feel like there was enough emotion in this. There could be so much but you seem to skim right over it.
I did think it was interesting that the main characters are having such a serious conversation over online instant messaging. I guess it's a sign of the times.
Hope this review helps!
Hey there
I'm Eddie and I'm going to take a stab at reviewing this for you today!
Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Bits I Liked
Pink - Suggestions
I love stories that start with a quote
Woah, thats one long sentence! Its one word shy of 50. Here's what you could do to make it flow better;
'Clocks ticked away, her head felt as though it had been tossed around like a tomato in a salad bowl. There was a faint, barely audible, humming noise filling the background as Stella typed up a hurricane on her small white laptop sitting upon her blanket-covered knees.'
This was a very nice piece of writing, not too many typos' and you've got some pretty imagery and phrases here. Just a few nitpicks, when he says I love you back you write that it is 1:00am, then you jump to 3:00am. It just seems a little odd thats all. There's a slight overuse of detailing in the first paragraph, sometimes it can be a little too much for the reader to take in so balance is key here. Other than that I have very little to say, you created a character in the readers' minds well, I'd love to see more of this if there is one. I can't help but feel this on its own is not enough, if that makes sense.
Hope this helped, and PM me if you have any questions! xo
There isn't much to say for this piece except that it was very good. Since it's only the beginning I'm sure you'll be going into detail about.. well, everything. I like the qoute at the beginning. Also, I've also wondered how an IM convorsation would be played out in writing and I think you did a good job with that. Keep up the good work, I'd love to read more!
This sounds very interesting!! I would love to hear more. The only thing I can say is you should write more! That was amazing. But where is she going? And why won't she be able to talk with HIM? It was wonderful!!!