Published June 9, 2011
You're as beautiful
As ever you were when we
Were young and reckless
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
As many have said before me this need far more in order to pull off. What you wrote so far was enjoyable but it felt like it ended far too quickly. It felt rather bland mainly because it ended so quickly.
These lines were nicely written but it was let down - by as many have said - just the length of it. All in all it was okay but lacked any real flavour. Good job and happy writing.
Yeah I know it needs more but idk...
i hav to agree with them. it was nice,but it does need more
Could everyone please, please learn the difference between a haiku and a senryu. This is not a haiku as it contains no kigo (seasonal or nature reference), no keriji (a "cutting" word), and directly speaks about human relationships. This makes it a senryu. A haiku (and a senryu) is so much more than slapping together 17 syllables.
Also, this senryu does not need to be elaborated on or expanded. Matsuo Bashō (aka the greatest haiku master of all time) said "The haiku that reveals seventy to eighty percent of its subject is good. The haiku that reveals fifty to sixty percent is brilliant." A haiku (and a senryu) should cause the reader to think long and hard after they read it. If you reveal too much, it is ruined. Also, if you need more the 17 on (incorrectly translated to 'syllables') to convey your idea, you've failed in your endeavour.
@Sassycat: elaboration is the only thing you should never, ever do in a haiku or senryu. This senryu is great because it raises so many questions. If all these questions were answered it would be a very unsatisfying piece.
So, the only ways you could make this piece better is by adding a full stop at the end, and labeling it a senryu, not a haiku. Good job Hallie.
K.
Ummm..Hallie? I know this isn't all you wrote, at least I hope not... Write more, but on what you have now the line "as ever you were when we" doesn't make sense.
"You're as beautiful <-- I'd add "as ever" here then period.
As ever you were when we <-- I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here.
Were young and reckless"
Yeah I know sorry but it was hard..
Well, um, it was sweet. I don't know if you already realized this, but it needs a lot more. One haiku stanza isn't enough to pull of an idea like the one you have. Tell us why they are beautiful, how long it's been since they were young and reckless, and what that means (young and reckless as in junior high/middle school, or six-year-olds?) Elaboration is a writers best friend in cases like these. Tell us everything you possibly can, because it's a lot easier to edit a piece when there's too much and simply tell them to cut than to say, like now, not enough and needs more. I'm saying it now: IT NEEDS MORE.