Published April 25, 2013
Imagine; you wake up in the middle of the night in a house you never knew. In a dark room with a king sized bed tied to a headboard. You try to scream but it seems you are alone. You struggle to break free but the rope is useless. You're eyes ajust to the darkness and you notice you're in the most beautiful room you've ever seen. As you begin to wonder where you are you hear footsteps. Nobody comes in..... Could have been minutes, coud have been hours, but the time in there was endless. Desperate, scared, alone, hungry, you don't know what to do anymore. You begin to scream again at the top of your lungs. When finally from the closet you hear something move, your heart is in your thoat. You have no idea to expect, you think the worst, but when that door opens........ ITS CHANNING TATUM!!! "SURPRISEEEEE!!!!!!!" Everyone screams at the door, and that is when you realze you have been badly pranked.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hi Rachel. Pretty intriguing. Wow I wish I was pranked like that except for the tieing part. Anyway, good description on the events but you could add a bit more imagery. Also, apart from the misspelling (realize, throat, adjust) you did have a few missing words that made it difficult to follow. Yet, it was a nice piece. I agree with the former reviews, this is more of a prompt than a short story. Hope this helped and keep writing. Hurtado
I feel like this is more of a prompt than a short story. You could expand on it by adding details such as describing the room. Who is "everyone"? You said Channing Tatum walked in, but it seems there are also family and/or friends involved in this prank. And why the prank? Is it a birthday?
While you're expanding it, be sure to run it through a grammar and spell-checker.
Channing Tatum? Oh, you're such a girl! hahah.
All grammar mistakes aside, I want to ask.. why? What made you write this?
Ths part is good "Could have been minutes, coud have been hours, but the time in there was endless. Desperate, scared, alone, hungry, you don't know what to do anymore. You begin to scream again at the top of your lungs. When finally from the closet you hear something move, your heart is in your thoat."
It's uncommon to write a story in second person ("you"), but I think it works here.
I feel like this is more of a prompt than a short story. You could expand on it by adding details such as describing the room. Who is "everyone"? You said Channing Tatum walked in, but it seems there are also family and/or friends involved in this prank. And why the prank? Is it a birthday? A surprise bachlorette party?
While you're expanding it, be sure to run it through a grammar and spell-checker. You have several mistakes. For example, "You're eyes ajust" should be "Your eyes adjust."
It's a nice start, though.
Channing Tatum? Oh, you're such a girl! hahah
All grammar mistakes aside, I want to ask.. why? What made you write this? It seems like something jotted down in the subway, while on your way to school hehe ( or something like that).
Not much to pick apart on this one. Funny, intriguing in the beginning. Ended up being a surprise. Uhm.. well done?