Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Karma looked at the stars. They were both up there, she was sure of that. She could read their faces in the stars, in those tiny chunks of dimond. They were together. And she could go with them. She had nothing to live for. She pressed the crystal knife to her throught-

"You wouldn't," Ebony's voice said.

Karma sighed and lowered the knife. She did have something to live for, and she knew it.

"Where's Tarquin?"

"I'm right here, Karma," another familiar voice said. Karma held up her knife, and by the reflected moonlight she could just make out her boyfreind's outline.

Karma stumbled foward and fel into Tarquin's arms. "What'll we do?"

"I don't know. Something," Tranquil said. He kissed Karma gently.

"Ahem!" Ebony coughed.

"Sorry, Ebs," Karma apolagized.

"Whatever. Now, uh, shoudn't we sleep?" Ebony pointed out.

Karma sighed. "Sure." They all climbed into the tent and drfted off to a world where it was safe. Safe. Safe always.

Hello, I'm Speedy! Nice piece you got here. Now onto the review!

It's nice for a prologue but most prologues although shorter than chapters are still a little longer and personally I'd like to see a little more. There were a few misspellings like when you wrote "throught", which I assume you meant throat. It's a little unexplained and confusing in places but I guess prologues aren't meant to give away much. Still, a little more detail and like I said earlier, length, would be nicer. Also is this a fantasy piece? Because if it's not I would think about changing the names, to me they seem slightly distracting, they're particularly hard to remember. I understand if it's a fantasy piece though. Anyway, I still liked the piece and thought it was nice and left me quiet curious on what you were going to write next. I would love to see where this goes if you decide to write some more.

Keep Writing!

-Speedy Pencil

Very odd. I understand that this is a prologue, but it doesn't make much sense. The first paragraph was well written. However, towards the end, the events taking place got a little scattered. It felt as if you were trying to rush the story. There wasn't much detail, and I understood that it was nighttime and there was some sort of moonlight. I'm guessing these characters had made camp in the outdoors? I'm really not sure. Maybe you could explain that just a bit more. I'm guessing that you are trying not to give away the rest of the story line, but you should add a little more depth to the prologue. Another point, if Karma has a boyfriend, that the reader can assume she has deep affections for, why would she want to kill herself? And why would she try to while she's with two other people/creatures around her? Wouldn't they see her? Why don't they try to help her? It makes no sense. If she was an outcast with no friends or no family, then it would make sense if she tried to killed herself in the middle of the night. But if she has Ebony and Tarquin, why would she try? I'm guessing that the stars she was looking at resembled her parents or maybe her relatives of some sort.... go just a little more in depth with that. I understand the importance of not giving away the whole story in the prologue, but there isn't enough detail in the prologue to want me to keep reading.

"She pressed the crystal knife to her throught-"
*Throat

I know harsh reviews are horrible to read, but I want to know the whole story behind Karma, Ebony, and Tarquin. If you write more, I'd love to read it!


Nessa