Fire & Lightning - Ch 2

by quitecontrary

Published March 27, 2021

In Fire&Lightning

Sirrah Bear had swam half the length of the island before giving in to his concaved lungs. His shoulders and back were burning, and the water was slowly seeping the warmth from under his fur. It was only a league or so more until he reached a southward current, where he could rest and float his way to the continent. He had been stuck in this skin for a year now, and had almost forgotten how soft his hair and hands used to be. There was nothing like running on two legs—that was a joy he’d give anything to feel again. Instead his black fur and rough paws were good for little but climbing trees, few of which grew here.

The setting sun drew his mind back to the task at hand; he had to find help, and there were only a few people out at sea that could provide that. He would head to the houseboat where Zachary lived, and from there he would find a ship to follow, or perhaps Zachary could take him half the journey. Either way he had to get out of the water before sundown, or he’d lose sight of the shore. Slowly and consistently, he paddled his way forward, searching the horizon for an orange metal hull.

It had been roughly fifteen minutes before he saw the houseboat. In that time the sun had set, and little stars were shining overhead. Sirrah Bear dragged himself to the bright orange hull and tugged at the anchor-rope. The boat didn’t stir, so he propelled himself upwards, landing soaked on the foredeck of the boat. Lights were on in the cabin, and a shape opened the door, outlined by the white electrical light coming from within.

“Who is that...Justin? Justin is that you?” The shape became more clear as it stepped further on the deck. A tall man, presumably a sailor, looked hard at the sopping mess of fur. He wore a sheepskin vest over rough linen, and leather moccasins protected his feet from the new wooden planking on the deck.

“Tis I, the ghost of your brother, come to haunt this meager dwelling,” Justin growled, making the best of his low vocal cords. Zachary laughed, coming forward to punch his half-brother’s muscled arm.

“For a moment I thought this wouldn’t work, and I couldn’t stand watching and waiting for you.” There was a bit of tremor in his voice, but they both ignored it. It was hard for Justin to look at his brother’s deeply human face, so different from his but similar in little ways he had gotten used to. It was like a mirror had sharpened the lines of his jaw, cutting into the round cheeks and straightening the curly hair into a low ponytail. Once he had envied this face, but he had learned to give up such emotions a long time ago.

Zachary turned on the lantern outside, and brought out a pitcher of water and a cut of fish that he had cooked for supper. Justin was almost afraid to ask for more, but Zachary saved him from embarrassment by bringing out the whole fish for seconds. They talked for a few moments, catching up on a week of stirring activity. Before Sirrah Bear had “drowned”, there had been a public trial and a few days of imprisonment, just long enough for him to make a final visit with one of the elder mages, a courtesy title only. That was how they had planned his escape: Leon and his tight following, called a band of pirates by the general island population. Justin didn’t have much to say; a special memory had been brought to the forefront of his mind, and suddenly he retreated away from the prodding questions Zachary put forth.

“Really, it wasn’t all that exciting. I never thought I would die, I never worried.” Justin drew his legs underneath of him and stood up.

“I would have,” Zachary started. “Thought I was going to die, that is.” His eyes were gloomy and hard, the same eyes that chastised his brother when Justin had first run away, causing his father much distress. Justin was silent, breaking his brother’s gaze and looking out at the stars.

“I should get you going,” Zachary finally spoke, unaware of the effect of his comment. Justin was brought back to the present, and nodded in confirmation. “You can take the cabin, if you want--”

“I’ll sleep outside tonight.” Justin had gotten used to the outdoors, and after three days cramped in a moldy cell, he needed the fresh ocean air. Zachary nodded, climbing up the ladder to the control room. A tremor shook the boat as the engines warmed, and the anchor dislodged itself and piled onto the deck away from Justin. Even with the new navigational system, Zachary knew the skies by heart. He followed the Adelen constellation south, glancing to the deck where his brother sat, the Prince Born Under the Stars: heir to the island kingdom named after the brightest lights in the sky.

~~~

The island had its final frost that night. Spring was coming, but little progress was being made to advance it. The tall pines that grew on the island kept shipbuilding the main source of revenue for the people who lived there, but for a long time underground black markets pulled in sailors and pirates from the mainland and other coastal cities. Dorian had plans to continue this trade, but had kept his fingers out of it while the king and queen still reigned. They were far from the most powerful kingdom on the western coast, but they were too tied up with the mainland royalty to try and usurp them.

It had been pure luck that the king was assassinated on a visit to the mainland, and from there it didn’t take much to claim the queen died from grief. Dorian had slowly made his way up through the chaos and appointed himself minister of Adelen, where he promptly assumed control of trade and the courts. All while this had been happening, nobody suspected a thing. Not even Justin, heir apparent to the throne. He was only sixteen, and his memories of Dorian were centered around diplomatic visits from the mainland and mesmerising gifts from prominent engineers. Electricity was a wonder back then, and magic had mostly fallen out of practice. Everything was explainable, just as Dorian’s rise was predetermined and widely forecasted even when his mother was still alive.

When Dorian returned to the island, he was met by a crowd of spectators who had come to view the execution. They were excited and afraid, falling back into the superstitions Dorian was so keen on getting rid of. The fact that an elder mage had to witness the execution was bad enough, and he never understood the tradition of a two-finger farewell. He despised the pagan customs and because of that despised the island, but already trade was prospering. War was grumbling on the mainland, and the secrets that would make him rich found their way to his ears, carried by the strength of the southern winds.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Plume
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Plume wrote a review Review · May 1, 2021

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Ooh, I really like how this story is shaping up! It seems we've got a transformed prince and someone who wants to usurp the power from him? I really adore that concept, and it really reminds me of all of those old fairy and folk tales that aren't as popular as some of the mainstream ones. Specifically, the Snow-White and Rose-Red one. I think it's probably cause of the bear prince.

One of my favorite things about this chapter was how you told it. You've got a really great writing voice, and I think it works super well with your subject material. The beginning was especially notable, I thought; I really loved how you described Justin and how he used to be human. The parallels you drew with his brother's face were also super great. And just the way you phrase certain things... it's really magnificent. One of my favorite lines was probably "Spring was coming, but little progress was being made to advance it." It just sounded so snarky, and also kind of personified the seasons as kind of procrastinating something they had to get done. I really liked it, so... nice work!!

One thing I wondered about was maybe establishing more of the lore of this world. I feel like a lot of it is only briefly mentioned, and I find myself being very confused. This chapter cleared some stuff up, but I'm still a little unsure of how everything fits in the story. In the first part, Dorian was presented as a more favorable character, but now it seems like he's a little more sinister than you first let on. There's no super clear main character, too, so I'm not sure whose side I'm supposed to be on. I feel like if you took a little more time to establish what's going on in a more clear way, it would help with that.

Your grammar looks pretty spotless, which is a relief for me. Nice work!

Overall: nice work! I really enjoyed reading it, and I'm looking forward to hopefully reading more from it! Hopefully something in here was helpful. Until next time!

Thank you! I'm definitely trying to get a more solid grip on the lore of the island, but I'll make sure to go a little more in-depth for the next chapters. I wrote this story with two main characters in mind, Justin and Stephanie, and I was hoping using third person would ease the transitions a bit. Hopefully I can make chapter three a bit more dialogue-based so the information flows easier. Thank you for your review! :D

MailicedeNamedy wrote a review Review · Mar 27, 2021

Hi quitecontrary,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let's start with what I noticed.

Instead his black fur and rough paws were good for little but climbing trees, few of which grew here.


Great to get a description of him. I kinda pictured him like a polar bear in the last chapter. :D

What I like about the first two paragraphs is how you describe things a bit without it being boring. It also didn't feel to me like it was two sections at all, as there is some more information revealed besides Sirrah Bear's swimming. I like the way you put that in there.

"Who is that...Justin? Justin is that you?"


Now I understand why Bear was called Justin in the last chapter. That was a very intriguing way to raise more questions in the last chapter.

Even with the new navigational system, Zachary knew the skies by heart. He followed the Adelen constellation south, glancing to the deck where his brother sat, the Prince Born Under the Stars: heir to the island kingdom named after the brightest lights in the sky.


I find this passage very significant, not only because it describes the conclusion of the first part of the chapter and thus feels a certain aura, and one should keep this sentence in mind, but also the remark about Zachary knowing the skies by heart. Followed by the statement of the second sentence, I interpret that Zachary knows exactly his brother in all his facets and knows what he is up to. Even with his navigational skills, which are described, he seems to want to steer his brother into the future.

Dorian had slowly made his way up through the chaos and appointed himself minister of Adelen.


Quick question that comes to mind here; Adelen is that the name of the island/land? Is this connected to the hermit in the previous chapter where the person talks about Adeline?Could that have been a spelling mistake or is that a different person again? Or am I on a completely wrong path?


I liked the chapter very much. Not only does it pick up where the "prologue" of the previous chapter leaves off, but you get more information about Justin and his brother.

In particular, I like the quiet way they are there on the houseboat. It seems to be a bit of this calm before the storm, because to me it seems like there are very difficult and dangerous moments coming up for them.

Your second part is also good. Especially this transition from the statement about the weather to the revenue of the island to new background knowledge. I didn't notice it at all and yet it felt very smooth while reading. You should definitely keep that up. I also had the impression in the first part that you make good transitions from scenes, like here at the beginning when Justin swims to the houseboat and the transition to night is described.

I thought the conversation between Zachary and Justin was really striking, because you could clearly see which of the siblings had which character. Justin seems a bit more casual and daring but also a bit bitter when he sees his brother, while Zachary seems more nervous and reserved.

What I missed a little now was a brief description of the houseboat, but if it's just for this one scene, it's not so bad.
In connection with the first chapter, it has also been good to insert this part about Justin only now, which leaves the reader with new questions.
With the new knowledge that the reader now gets, I think you can already get a very good idea of where the story is heading. Will there be something like a new political upheaval that degenerates into a revolution? I am curious.

What I also find very exciting is how you talk about Justin and how it's actually quite normal that he's a bear at the moment. The amount of magic also seems to be low at the moment, which I think is good on the one hand, but I'm also curious about how it relates to electricity. I have some questions about the time in which the whole thing takes place.

You've built up a lot of suspense, and I think you've mastered it perfectly with these short phases of knowledge to fill in the gaps and still keep many mysteries secret.
Please keep it up! :D

Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.

Thanks so much for your review! It was really hard for me to fit the "Adeline" part in the beginning, and now I can see it's not clear. Instead of royalty addressing each other as "Prince"/"Princess", I wanted a term that only the upper class would really use to address the monarchs. "Adeline" was supposed to be for princes/princesses as kind of a nickname, but instead of a name it's more of a title. I feel like it's less obvious and gives the island more character, but I'll see if I can make it read clearer :D

Thanks for the explanation, that makes it much clearer. That's a neat idea you have and gives your story a certain uniqueness! :D



Why is my dog your fig father????
— JazzElectrobass