“Momma, momma!” I cried, running up the dark oak steps to the nursery where my baby sister slept.
“You evil little child, don’t you dare wake your sister,” She stepped out of the nursery, grabbing my wrist roughly, closing the ornate mahogany door, “What do you want?”
“Look what I got on my test today!” I trilled, handing my mother my perfect test paper.
“Get out of my sight!” She snapped, pushing me so hard I slipped off the stairs, tumbling until I crashed into my father who was waiting on the landing.
“Are you okay little dove?” He picked me up and set me gently on my feet, his soft white hair blowing in the summer breeze that flooded in through the window beside us.
I rubbed my sore back before nodding, “I got full marks on my math test daddy…”
“Congratulations! I’m so proud of you Belle!” He lifted my into his arms, spinning me around, “You deserve a special treat my precious!”
I wrapped my arms around my step father’s neck, listening to him praise me as we walked down the final flight of stairs and through our dark foyer into the kitchen, sitting me on one of the tall stools at the white marble counter.
“Why was I born so… Ugly? Why doesn’t mommy like me?”
“You’re not ugly Belle,” He laughed as he rummaged around in the silver fridge, “Your mother… Is just looking for something different. Your mother wants a little blonde clone of herself to compete in pageants.”
“So… Why did you hate me up until last year?”
“I just… Wasn’t very smart back then, I didn’t realise what a good kid you are, and… I really wanted to impress your mother.”
“But you like me now right?” I looked up as he set a tub of ice cream on the counter.
“Of course I do, I love you, you’re my little girl now, my precious little gem that I love with all my heart, I vow to protect you from all the bad things in this world, I won’t let anything hurt you Belle.”
“Do you think Bella will be like mommy? Or like you..?”
“I’m not sure baby, I hope she turns out just, like, you,” He tapped my nose, holding a spoon out to me, “Now, let’s tuck in, we should be celebrating this amazing achievement kiddo!”
He grabbed another spoon and pulled the lid off the chocolate ice-cream.
“It’ll always be us daddy. Us against them.”
He smiled at me, his green-blue eyes so clear. For the longest time I’d wished to look like my step-father, I’d wish on every star in the sky, on every candle, on every bloody plane I saw, I wished that I would look like him… But I looked more like my biological father.
I had olive skin, light brown eyes and black hair, I saw a picture of him once, I looked so much like him… He was a very handsome man, perhaps that’s why my mother married him, but what bothered me was that she wanted pale skinned, blue eyed, blond haired children. Perfect beauties that she could enter in competitions and pamper… Brown eyed demon. She even named me with the hope that I would grow into a beautiful young woman.
She was sadly mistaken.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,878 Reviews
Hey, Xanthe here.
This is soo sad *sniff sniff*
I really like your writing style and your character Belle. It is so sad that she is treated that way by her mother just cause of the way she looks, quite sick.
However... I don't really see much of a plot so far.. or Belle's feelings. I would like more of that. I can't point out grammar mistakes, sorry, I'm not too good with grammar myself but I'm sure some of these things have been pointed out in other reviews.
I would like to see more of this story so keep posting it please. Overall I really liked it and it brought a tear to my eye. Keep writing!
Hi there! Good work on this piece.
Here's a quick review for you!
Firstly, on the spelling and grammar front, you need work on your comma usage.
1. Always use a comma between addressing a person and the rest of the sentence, like, "I don't want to go, Yvonne!" or "There's nothing, my dove, that can hurt you."
2. You make a lot of run-on sentences. See more here: Run-on Sentences.
See that? I just added a couple of full stops and a comma. You need more stops in your writing, or people tend to read it as a single, monotonous line of text.
Secondly, you need to check out punctuation in dialogue, like here: Punctuation within Dialogue.
So, as for the plot, you've got very little going yet. This is merely a construction, a setup with character relationships. Nothing has happened yet. As a rule, try to get one event to happen in each chapter you write. It'll keep it running.
Your character development is okay. You've focussed mostly on relationships between characters and less on the inner mechanics of single characters, but we still get to see that Belle is sweet, innocent and cute, that her father is loving and that her mother is cruel. You've got a good framework going, which you can build up as you go along.
You have a good style, with a balance between dialogue, description and action.
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
This was really beautifully written and sad, so I congratulate you. This was very touching, with a good theme behind the story.
You have written with good technical accuracy as far as I can see, and I think the whole thing has a good structure and flows nicely. I haven't got much to say that you can improve, because at the moment it is very good!
There are a few parts that I particularly liked;
This is lovely, because it creates such a clear image of the mother, even though she isn't a main part in the writing.
This is such a lovely last line, and it really creates a sad mood to end the piece.
I would say to make it longer, to expand on the idea you already have, because I enjoyed reading what you have already got. The feelings of the character are very clear, and expressed well. Overall, fantastic- keep writing!
Hi, thank you so much
It's so great to hear that you liked it! As for making it longer, I tend to upload pages rather than chapters, but thank you! ^_^
Hello. I don't know what to say.
To me, this story got a very beautiful character in it. You tell us quite something about her. But maybe put in something that would let readers to know more what she feels when she been treated that way,with her biological mother.
Yeah! I really don't know what to say anymore. I just like your writing style. Keep up,there!