“Here! Jared!” I called as we ran across the roof, laughing, being the way kid’s should, having fun, free of fear, free of adults, and free from our old lives.
He passed to me, flashing a smile at his feet as I expertly stopped the ball.
“Don’t kick anything but the ball. ‘Kay?” He snickered.
“Don’t tempt me.”
“Dean!” Sam called from across the rooftop, as Dean snatched the ball from me while I was talking to Jared.
“You lost the ball Alice!” Jet, one of the youngest Renegade boys moaned.
“Sorry Jet, but I’m sure a strong boy like you could get it back easily,” I ruffled his straggly brown hair.
“’Kay, but don’t lose it this time.”
Jared was on the floor laughing.
“Shut up,” I scowled.
“I-Ha!” He gasped. The way he was laughing only gave him about three seconds breathing space every fifteen seconds.
“Dean! I’m open!” Sam called again.
“The game’s started again. Get up you Hyena,” I nudged him with my foot, “Sam! Heads up!” I called as I slide tackled him.
“Hey!” He laughed, chasing after me, grabbing my waist and pulling me closer to him.
“Haha, stop!” I giggled.
He exhaled deeply; his hot breath tickled my neck.
I relaxed for a moment before pushing him out of the way and scoring a goal.
“Take that!” I poked my tongue out at him.
“Take this!” He laughed, grabbing me and kissing my cheek playfully.
“Haha,” I sighed happily
Jared’s glare was more predominant now, every time Sam touched me his hatred grew stronger, and this kiss was the final straw. He turned to walk away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hello,
Welcome to YWS
Alright, the first thing that comes to mind when just skimming over - not yet even reading - is that there is soo much dialogue and very little ah non-dialogue, let's call it. Dialogue is very cool, because it can get a point across without any boring info dumps and can characterize characters superbly, but - balance, ying and yang and all that.
So what I'd like to see is some ideas expanded, e.g.:
quote:
I waited; each breath I drew grew sharper and panicked.
Build around this, make it more palpable. What we have is good, and so obviously I'd like more of the like, no? Build around this, and others, and balance the dialogue.
Use this to change reigning emotion from carefreeness to dread, but at a slower pace. We go from a ball game to mysterious alien sounds - polar opposites and very nicely done. But I'd like to actually see the game (so describe it a bit? descriptions are good to balance dialogue), I'd like more on that sound.
Hey, can ears relax? I mean, there are people who can move their ears (I'm not one of them), but can they relax? Kind of struck me as odd.
Heads up,
Esme