I’m Dragon, and my true adventure started when I was about eighteen. I befriended a girl, and she persuaded me to join a rebellion against the adults. We snuck away one night, meeting up with the rest of the group. The rebellion turned out to be quite large.
Amongst the many girls who were dressed in fine clothes, their hair done perfectly, one girl stood out, her long jet black, straight hair, hung loosely by her side, her features frozen in a blank expression, she was perfect in every way, unlike those other girls, whose only flaws were that they tried to make themselves flawless.
Numerous whispers of Who the hell does she think she is? Acting all high and mighty and looking down on us. And She thinks she’s all that. Look at how she just ignores us. And I don’t get why Dinahi pays so much attention to her, she’s so ugly and ugh…
It took a days journey to get to the place where we would spend what we assumed would be a great deal of time; on the savannah. There was a tall tree near the camp, strong, it wouldn’t fall, but it blew with the wind, an amazing sight against the faded, sepia tone of the sky, the same sepia that washed over the entire savannah. A few hills that appeared small, but after trekking over them, you’d know that they were a lot bigger than they appeared. Sparse foliage lay back from the tree.
Virile, one of the people who organized this rebellion, eventually made himself a leader of our tribe, really just turned out to be a chauvinistic pig. He treated all the girls like dirt.
Since the day that Virile tried to hurt Sky, and I, being the idiot I am, stopped him from hurting her, she became the center of my world, she was all I really noticed, she was all I wanted to notice, the slightest mishap made me want to race to her side and stop whatever was happening. Whenever I heard those malicious remarks about her, I wanted to make them just shut up.
“The next boy to make you cry will die, you understand that right?” Sky’s older brother, Shield, put his arm around her shoulders, smiling warmly at her, but she didn’t return the smile, she just let him pull her along, still wearing that blank expression.
Those two were so close, closer than you could even imagine. He looked out for her. He was always by her side to protect her. She was fierce, she didn’t really need protection, but that was before that stupid mistake.
When I first came here, to the rebellion, I heard so many rumors about her past. One in particular caught my attention.
There was a time when someone actually liked her. I know right? Hard to believe, but still true. Yeah, she was in this massive group of girls and then, word has it, this guy came on the scene, and everyone thought she liked him, so they all started hating her, apparently the guy really liked her though. Do you reckon it’s true?
I knew that Sky lived a hard life. Wherever she went, she was hated, and when she was accepted, jealousy made those people loathe her more than anyone else ever had. She still hasn’t recovered from the last time. She had a group of friends, and they were all so happy, until she became competition for them.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This was very confusing. The corrections will be in bold.
I’m Dragon, and my true adventure started when I was about eighteen. I befriended a girl, and she persuaded me to join a rebellion against the adults. We snuck away one night, meeting up with the rest of the group. The rebellion turned out to be quite large.
*Enter Space*Amongst the many girls who were dressed in fine clothes, their hair done perfectly, one girl stood out, her long jet black, straight hair, hung loosely by her side, her features frozen in a blank expression, she was perfect in every way, unlike those other girls, whose only flaws were that they tried to make themselves flawless.
Numerous whispers of 'Who the hell does she think she is? Acting all high and mighty and looking down on us. And Sheshe thinks she’s all that. Look at how she just ignores us. And I don’t get why Dinahi pays so much attention to her, she’s so ugly and ugh…'
*Enter space*It took a days journey to get to the place where we would spend what we assumed would be a great deal of time; on the savannahsavanna. Typos, be gone!=). There was a tall tree near the camp, strong, it wouldn’t fall, but it blew with the wind, an amazing sight against the faded, sepia tone of the sky, the same sepia that washed over the entire savannah.savanna A few hills that appeared small, but after trekking over them, you’d know that they were a lot bigger than they appeared. Sparse foliage lay back from the tree.
Virile, one of the people who organized this rebellion, eventually made himself a leader of our tribe, really just turned out to be a chauvinistic pig. He treated all the girls like dirt.
*enter space*Since the day that Virile tried to hurt Sky, and I, being the idiot I am, stopped him from hurting her, she became the center of my world, she was all I really noticed, she was all I wanted to notice, the slightest mishap made me want to race to her side and stop whatever was happening.Very very very long sentence. It can be like two or three shorter ones. Whenever I heard those malicious remarks about her, I wanted to make them just shut up. She is a dragon, right? Make this known. Maybe (This is just a suggestion) 'When those beasts shove her down like that, i want to bury one of my massive claws into them.
*Enter space*“The next boy to make you cry will die, you understand that right?” Sky’s older brother, Shield, put his arm around her shoulders, smiling warmly at her, but she didn’t return the smile, she just let him pull her along, still wearing that blank expression. Run on again. and Shield is a ironic name. Irony!!!=)
*enter*Those two were so close, closer than you could even imagine. He looked out for her. He was always by her side to protect her. She was fierce, she didn’t really need protection, but that was before that stupid mistake.
When I first came here, to the rebellion, I heard so many rumors about her past. One in particular caught my attention.
SpaceThere was a time when someone actually liked her. I know right? Hard to believe, but still true.Because.... Yeah, she was in this massive group of girls and then, word has it, this guy came on the scene, and everyone thought she liked him, so they all started hating her, apparently the guy really liked her though. Do you reckon it’s true?
SpaceI knew that Sky lived a hard life. Wherever she went, she was hated, and when she was accepted, jealousy made those people loathe her more than anyone else ever had. She still hasn’t recovered from the last time. She had a group of friends, and they were all so happy, until she became competition for themPeroid.
Overall: You are a good, imaginative writer. Make sure you pay attention to your run-ons. It's hard to figure out, but you have a bright future ahead. Keep writing!
Hey there!
I think this could become a good story beginning, but right now it could definitely be improved.
This is a fantasy story, so it's set in a whole other world, but you just dive straight into the action without describing the setting or anything. In fact, there's barely any description in this first chapter at all except for the paragraph about what Sky looks like. Worldbuilding is an important part of fantasy novels, and while you don't want so much description that the story becomes slow-paced, at least some is needed here to set the scene. We don't know where they are, what this camp is or anything.
Narrator-wise, I think you could make it work with telling the story from Dragon's point of view. I didn't really see any problems with that, as I'm assuming Sky and Dragon are going to become the main characters. It could be interesting as a story told from the boy who's always wanted to get to know her, and she as the girl who's never even noticed him. Still, if it's from Dragon's POV then it's Dragon's story, and right now it's so focused on Sky that Dragon as a character doesn't seem to have much of a personality. If this is just the beginning then you've got plenty of time for development, but at the moment your narrator feels like a secondary character.
As for Sky... to me, as it is now, she comes across as a bit of a Mary-Sue: stunningly beautiful, perfect in appearance, people hate her but it's never her fault, all the guys want her. I certaintly hope that she comes out of her shell and reveals some personality as the story goes on because at the minute she's pretty irritating. I suppose Dragon's a biased narrator and she might not turn out to be the way he's describing her, but she's not looking promising so far.
However, I hope you keep going with this because with some adjustments it could be a good opening, and I'd definitely like to read more.
I've read this through, and I am completely confused by the point of view. Not to mention how you throw in mysterious and completely unexplained comments:
An accident you fail to elaborate on in even the littlest way.I'd read a few paragraphs before you introduced the narrator as someone called Dragon, I still can't tell whether or not this is actually a person, or an actual dragon (Sky's brother is called Shield, so I don't know if the narrator is literally a dragon).
Your writing is all jumbled together and as aforementioned, totally unexplained. I can't feel any empathy for Sky because I don't understand who she is, or how she is really important to the story. The first sentence has no place either, because it isn't explained. The narrator has said nothing about himself, and this would normally be okay if he was telling a story, which he isn't really. He hasn't even given a clear background of the events.
I advice you to go through the story again and switch to first-person from Sky's point of view. If you must include Dragon, give him his own point of view as well, but let him really just add to the story, not narrate it.