My body is its own ticking time bomb
a cluster of chromosomes
on the verge of an explosion
my atoms have programmed themselves
for self-destruction
but my brain doesn’t hear the countdown
See, on my mother’s family tree
there is a brief history of disease
that trapped itself in my grandmother’s
genes
it’s a two generation siege laid
in my bloodstream
I feel the hounds of pestilence
gnawing at my heals
taunting my slowly sloping spine
threatening to turn my torso into
the contorted instrument of
my own demise
My family has CMT
Charcot-Marie Tooth disease
is a group of inherited disorders
of the peripheral nervous system
characterized by a progressive
loss of muscle tissue and touch
sensation
What this definition leaves
out is
the pain pills my mother
swallows like they’re water
and she’s a parched woman or
the scoliosis that turned
my grandmother’s ribcage into
a sideways,concave
parody of its old self
Both are withering away
their skin draping over
skeletons too tightly as
muscle evaporates off their bodies
I have a 50/50 chance of continuing
this lineage
Of following in my mother’s footsteps
Every backache is the possibility
of my body
failing at defusing the mutations in me
I’ve seen how this disease
will affect my wellbeing
an it scares me
but I’ll just have to
deal with the
statistics,the maybes,the what-ifs
I’ll just have to accept the
implications of the countdown
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140,247 Literary Works • 673,061 Reviews
Hey there.
It was a beautiful writing, I had to say that. Was it supposed to sound like the writer's broken? Because if it is, then you were successful in doing so. All of the words used were carefully chosen and each statement was structured smartly. It sounded so sad that I felt it right through my heart and I just want to congratulate you for successfully putting up that emotion in this piece. Yous ay it's just a slam writing yet it does not look like it really was --- this writing of yours is beautiful, just the right emotion and drama.
Hey there,
Retro here to do a mini review. Now, other than the 6th to last line there aren't any mistakes, so instead I'm going to make offer some suggestions accompanied to what I loved, okay?
Okay, the medical side of this I love. I think you've got a really interesting point and approach and I really like it. Its got great form and structure but my problem is imagery. For me, the painfulness of the protagonist in the poem doesn't come across. You have the emotion, I can feel it but you need to bring it out more. Like what you said about the pills, I love it but I would drag that thread out more throughout the poem. Show everyone this disease, make us feel it. Because that is the one thing that lets this poem down.
But I think this is nothing short of fantastic. I offer the above comments so you can take it above and beyond. I love the medical and almost clinical nature, I love the personality, i love the reality of the piece and I think it is fantastic.
Keep up the good work,
Here if you need me,
Retro
Thank you so much for the suggestions, I wrote this very quickly for a slam and just never edited it. I certainly will take your advice, and finally put some elbow grease into this! Again thank you so much, and have a wonderful day/evening.