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Steal my Kingdom - Prologue

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“Elena, Amaya!” cried a frail woman sitting on her bed of straw. It was nearly as big as her room itself and as dirty as the floor. The ceiling above her was damaged from water, but Guinevere decided it was better than the sky. She sat impatiently. How long should it take for two little girls to run across such a small house as theirs?

“Elena!” she cried with more force. She heaved a breath of satisfaction as she heard the footsteps of two young girls scurrying to her door. In walked Elena, wearing tattered rags, once a violet dress now worn down to an ugly brown cloth that was a bit too small. Her brown hair was styled in a single braid down the side of her chest and her eyes were older than her years, though she was just eight years old. Behind her walked her younger sister, Amaya, in a dress that fit her better and retained more of its reddish color. She had her blonde hair in two braids on either side of her head. Her eyes reflected the actual innocence of a seven-year old-girl.

“Mama, what is it?” asked Elena, a look of worry on her face. She cocked her head at the sight of her mother, who smiled down at her. Elena walked a few steps closer to her mother, cautiously, as though she was afraid.

“Sit, my darlings. I have a story to tell you,” Guinevere told the two. They both obediently sat on the floor in front of her and looked up at her intently. Amaya seemed almost excited about what was coming, while Elena was more hesitant. Guinevere knew what she was going to tell them would be a lot to put on two young girls, but she was sick and weak and did not think she would live much longer. Her children needed to know her story before she would not be able to tell it.

Guinevere smiled. “I was once as young as both of you. A long, long time ago.” Amaya’s eyes widened, while Elena retained her expression. Their mother had never really revealed anything to them about their childhood. “I had my mother and father and two older brothers. My mother’s name was Elena, as is yours,” she said, glancing at the older of her children. “My father, your grandfather, was named Aurthur, as was my eldest brother. The younger brother was named Casper.”

Amaya nodded along to the story, while Elena thought the story was standard enough so far and sat expressionless.

“My family lived in a palace in the middle of Avadain,” she continued. At this, Elena perked up in disbelief. There was no way her mother, who lived only with her two children on the very outskirts of the kingdom of Llenzaia, could have possibly lived in its capital, much less in a palace.

Guinevere smiled at Elena’s bewildered face. “It’s true, I promise. I would never lie to you both.” Elena’s disbelief did not subside, but Amaya seemed wholly convinced. “My father and mother were the king and queen of all of Llenzaia.” At this, Elena rolled her eyes and scoffed, but kept listening nonetheless.

“We were peaceful, good rulers who put our citizens first. All my time in the palace was spent when I was very young, so most of what I remember is the luxury I had. For the most part, I remember happy moments, wonderful food, and kind servants.” Amaya nodded along as she spoke.

“What I didn’t notice was how some of his councilmembers were conspiring against my father. My father and his allies noticed, though, but they couldn’t really take any action. They may have been conspiring, but there was little to no evidence that they could use to get rid of them. They’d been all voted into their positions and it’d cause outrage if they were fired without apparent reason.” Both Elena and Amaya sat on the edge of their seats in anticipation. Guinevere sighed and looked down.

“And that was it. One day, my father was the king of the most powerful kingdom on the continent. The next, my entire family was dead, and some evil conspirator had stolen the throne. Only I survived.” She looked back up at her bewildered children, tears welling in her eyes.

“How did you get out, mama?” inquired Amaya, asking what both she and her sister were wondering.

“Well, as soon as my nanny learned of the commotion, she grabbed me and ran. We left the palace through the servant’s area, somewhere the conspirators did not look. I’m sure they thought I had just been lost in the commotion. I was only about eight, after all.” Elena looked intrigued, while Amaya seemed uncomfortable at the thought of her mother dying.

“Afterwards, she took me to the very outskirts of Llenzaia and left me in a village she thought I would not be found. I never saw my nanny again. I was taken in by a family that had been desperately trying for a girl for years. I grew up with their five children, and ended up marrying the second youngest one, your father, Samuel.” Guinevere smiled as she remembered her now-dead husband.

“I misbehaved so much while living with them. I hated it so much. I had lived in a palace all my life with wonderful parents and siblings, and suddenly everything I had was gone. Of course, I eventually adjusted to my new life, but I did not enjoy it,” Guinevere continued, reminiscing on how her life used to be.

“What I want you two girls to learn from this story is the truth about our family. How the throne that would have belonged to my eldest brother was stolen by the man who sits on it now, who’s pushed families into poverty, spent lavishly on himself, and pays no regard to the public good when making policies. How the throne rightfully belongs to you two, the last of the royal lineage. How your last name isn’t Lockhart, but Galanthiel, and that one day I hope you will regain your rightful place as the ruler of this kingdom.” She looked at Elena, the older of the two, as she said that. She knew it was highly unlikely Elena would ever even see the inside of the palace walls, but a small part of her hoped that she could perform a miracle and reclaim what was hers.

Elena thought through the story to herself. How likely was it? Was there any chance that her mother was telling the truth? She knew that there had been a palace uprising way before she had been born, as it was common knowledge in the kingdom, but she never thought her mother could have been involved.

Her mother sighed and closed her eyes. She lay back down on her bed. Elena noticed how weak Guinevere was getting these days. Why would she even wait until now to tell her this story? It was nearly inconceivable that Elena could be royalty. However, her mother had never lied to her, and Elena’s trust in her had never wavered.

Elena Galanthiel. She quite liked the sound of that.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Hey, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this rainy day! Hope your ready! :D

Okay lets get started!

Things I picked up
So I did see one thing that was lacking in this chapter but I think its because its a back story so there isn't really any place you can put it, but I think it could do with a little bit of description in some places like the kingdom what dose it look like? But again this chapter isn't really the best place to do that being its a back story, but maybe keep the description in mind for the next chapter.
Oh and before I forget there is one other thing that didn't seem right.

“Mama, what is it?” asked Elena, a look of worry on her face. She cocked her head at the sight of her mother, smiled at her.

I don't want to be a pest but the sentence in bold doesn't flow quite right, so maybe think about rewording it like this.
“Mama, what is it?” asked Elena, a look of worry on her face. She cocked her head at the sight of her mother, who was smiling at her.

I'm not to sure who is smiling here but I'm sure its the mother so this is how I would reword it, you don't have to do it the same but just think about doing something like that. :D

But other than those very small things this is a really great story you've got here.

Characters

I love the character development you have going so far! It's not much but I can tell each one of your characters is very different, and two of them seem to be rather young still so there is so much more time for them to grow into their own person.

“How did you get out, mama?” inquired Amaya, asking what both she and her sister were wondering.

I just love this here, Amaya seems like such a sweet pure little girl who seems to think good of everyone, I kind of get that by the way she is with her mother. So cute!

“Well, as soon as my nanny learned of the commotion, she grabbed me and ran. We left the palace through the servant’s area, somewhere the conspirators did not look. I’m sure they thought I had just been lost in the commotion. I was only about eight, after all.” Elena looked intrigued, while Amaya seemed uncomfortable at the thought of her mother dying.

Oh my this poor Guinevere she's had such a hard life, though one question why didn't the nanny grab her older brothers? Surely she weren't that old at the time either? Oh maybe they had already died, and the conspirators had gone for them first? Oh so many questions now!
Also this is another reason I just love little Amaya, she's just so cute and lovable!

Elena thought through the story to herself. How likely was it? Was there any chance that her mother was telling the truth? She knew that there had been a palace uprising way before she had been born, as it was common knowledge in the kingdom, but she never thought her mother could have been involved.

Oh I liked Elena's character right from the start but this just shows me she isn't anything like her sister, she's a lot more suspicious and likes to think things through before she believes anyone! Just a perfect character for the story, and if we do have a time skip I'm looking forward to seeing what she will be like older and when she can try and take the throne back, that is if she wants too.

Plot
Over all I like were your going with the plot it is rather strait forward for now and that's good for your reader, but it also has its questions int he background which makes this an amazing first chapter! So far you've set us up with a ruler that took over the kingdom by force and murder, two living heirs. And a very interesting back story. So bravo on that!

Over all thoughts

I am very excited for the next chapter, I have a feeling there might be a time skip I'm not sure, and I'm dying to find out what the two sisters will do to take back the kingdom that is there's, and if their mother over told their father that she was a missing princess? Hmm interesting.
I'm wondering how old the girls might be they sound like they might be between 5 and 12, not sure so maybe find away to add that in somewhere.
And what is their mother sick with? Cancer? Or is it something that you have made up for our story? Oh I can't wait for the next chapter!

Well I hope this review was of some use to you! Because I really loved this and look forward to reading more! I hope you will post again!

Have a great day or night! :D

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!

Reviewing with a fiery passion!

User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Sun Jul 05, 2020 9:13 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hello! Saw this earlier when you posted it and thought I'd check it out. And a late welcome to the site.

First Impression: Well an interesting premise. Although there was a lot of information packed in there.

Anyway let's take it apart now shall we?

“Elena, Amaya!” cried a frail woman sitting on her bed of straw. It was nearly as big as her room itself and as dirty as the floor. The ceiling above her was damaged from water, but Guinevere decided it was better than the sky. She sat impatiently, how long should it take for two little girls to run across such a small house as theirs?


Well pretty good opening. Sets the setting fairly well.

“Elena!” she cried with more force. She heaved a breath of satisfaction as she heard the footsteps of two young girls scurrying to her door. In walked Elena, wearing tattered rags, once a violet dress now worn down to an ugly brown cloth that was a bit too small. Her brown hair was styled in a single braid down the side of her chest. In her eyes, Guinevere could see she had suffered more hardships than she should have had to in her nine years of life. Behind her walked her younger sister, Amaya, in a dress that fit her better and retained more of its reddish color. She had her blonde hair in two braids on either side of her head. Her eyes reflected the actual innocence of a seven-year old-girl.


Here this is a bit too much telling the reader directly what's on their faces. You need to describe the expressions more so that the reader can come to the conclusion themselves. Or else it gives away too much right at the start.

Guinevere smiled. “I was once as young as both of you. A long, long time ago.” Amaya’s eyes widened, while Elena retained her expression. “I had my mother and father and two older brothers. My mother’s name was Elena, as is yours,” she said, smiling at the older of her children. “My father, your grandfather, was named Aurthur, as was my eldest brother. The younger brother was named Casper.”


Well that's a very large dump of characters there but it does make sense that you'd have to introduce them somehow so I guess its okay. It does make this a little bit bland though to just name a bunch of characters.

Amaya was nearly squirming in her seat from excitement, while Elena thought the story was standard enough so far.


For Elena that sounds like you suddenly switch to her perspective when all this time it's been their mother's perspective. So I'd suggest saying something like she looked bored or something along those lines.

“Well, as soon as my nanny learned of the commotion, she grabbed me and ran. We left the palace through the servant’s area, somewhere the conspirators did not look. I’m sure they thought I had just been lost in the commotion. I was only about 8, after all.” Elena looked intrigued, while Amaya seemed uncomfortable at the thought of her mother dying.


Sounds like a pretty interesting backstory there. Vomiting it out at this point seems a little too much for a first chapter. I'd suggest turning this into a bit of a prologue of sorts that shows this story happening then begin with a first chapter in which this story has already been told and the two sisters are processing the information. That would help make it a little bit smoother I think.

Elena Galanthiel. She quite liked the sound of that.


Well that ending sounds pretty good there for a first chapter.

And that's it.

Overall: The grammar and punctuation were both spot on. Nothing that I could see, not even a typo or two. The information is a little heavy but it is a very intriguing ending and I'd love to read more.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Thanks so much! This is actually a prologue and I should have clarified that, my bad.

Your Welcome!!
Ahh that makes more sense.
Looking forward to more of this.

User avatar
LittleLee
Review

Hey there queenoni, welcome to the site! You can call me LittleLee, lee, or Little. Or anything, for that matter.
I'm here today to review your chapter.
Your grammar is spot-on, and your storytelling capacity is quite good. Reading this chapter was a nice experience, and I would love to follow up on it sometime. I hope you keep posting more of your work.
There are just a few things I would like to point out that can be modified. if I'm too critical, I apologise, I'm only trying to help you out.

but Guinevere decided it was better than the sky.

This seems rather out of place. It's implied they have been living here for some time at least, so why would you make it sound as though she had just decided the roof was bearable? That line actually isn't necessary.

She sat impatiently, how long should it take for two little girls to run across such a small house as theirs?

The comma can be replaced with a fullstop.
Can you try rewriting the second part of the sentence? Maybe like this: "How long would it take for two little girls to run across a house as small as theirs?"

In her eyes, Guinevere could see she had suffered more hardships than she should have had to in her nine years of life.

If she's their mother, this would be an odd thing to notice only now. Instead of saying Guinevere noticed it, this could just be added to the girl's description: "Her eyes were older than her years", or something like that.

whose eyes were now closed with a smile below them

This was a little strange to read. You could just say she had a smile on her face.
Why is she closing her eyes, by the way?

Amaya’s eyes widened, while Elena retained her expression.

I don't get this. Why is Amaya'a reaction so drastic? Why does this simple tidbit make her eyes widen? Generally, I found her to be rather unrealistic as a character because of her exuberant reactions. Or if Guinevere has never told them about her family, that ought to be mentioned. Otherwise the reader doesn't have a clue what's going on.

Amaya was nearly squirming in her seat from excitement, while Elena thought the story was standard enough so far.

Again! What is Amaya getting so hyped up about? There's really nothing of importance here.

At this, Elena rolled her eyes but kept listening intently.

This is where the children should display a lot of shock. Rolling one's eyes isn't enough.

He didn’t notice either, I guess he was pretty naive.

Far too convenient for a benevolent and kind king to be usurped by evil conspirators, but i suppose you need the story to progress. I suggest you create some solid reasons for why he was killed, or it'll become a cliche story of an exiled royal trying to take back their throne.

I was only about 8

Try to say the number properly and not use its... symbol. Whatever.

Afterward, she took me to the very outskirts of Llenzaia and left me in a village she thought I would not be found. I was taken in by a family that had been desperately trying for a girl for years.

I think it's "afterwards", with an "s".
Some hint of what happened to the nanny would be appreciated.


How the throne that would have belonged to my eldest brother was stolen by an evil man who sits on it now.

Blatantly saying a man is evil doesn't make a good writer. There have to be reasons behind everything.
And again, the cliche warning bell began ringing in my head around this point.

She knew that there had been a palace uprising way before she had been born

How does she know?

She laid back down on her bed and rested

Lay, I think, not laid. It sound better. And there is no need to mention she "rested", that's obvious.

Elena Galanthiel. She quite liked the sound of that.

Good ending.


Overall impression: This story is quite interesting, but
1. I don't think this is a suitable opening to a novel. Dumping everything on the reader in the very first chapter is not a good idea at all.
2. Like I said, this seems to be a little too cliche. I don't know what you can do about it, but there has to be a twist or difference in plot or readers may not take much notice.
3. The title isn't all that great. It implies what the plot is right away, and it just generally isn't very appealing.
But it was still fairly interesting until now. I hope it continues to be so.

Keep writing. Good luck!

- Lee

Thanks for all the advice!

User avatar
thepages
Review

Hey, nice story here, rich story line. The only adjustment u could do is in the first paragraph "the ceiling above her was damaged from(i think this could best be written "damaged by water" rather than "damaged from water."
other than that i think the secret was revealed too soon or that the girls' mother is about to die n doesn't want to keep them in the dark. Such a revelation at the age of eight i thnk Elena might act rushly n get herself killed.
On the other hand, ths could be her remembering her mother's words some years later(probably late teens) as she prepares to act against the false king. All the same ths is your story to tell, u define what story line to follow.
I like ths, i am looking forward to the next chapters.



I will not allow my life's light to be determined by the darkness around me.
— Sojourner Truth