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The City of Bane

by queenofsci


One moment everything was calm, the next it happened.

I glaced at the clock, just thirty-seven minutes to go. I needed to talk to Jake. Whatever the teacher said about Catcher in The Rye went in one ear and out the other.

" A major theme in this book is Holden growing into adolessont. I want you to write a few paragraphs about what it was like for you growing up. What were your challanges?"

Then: " Mr. Spencer, um, there is, um, a dog righ behind you," I whispered. I lept on my desk, as I did I could hear a few kids laughing lighly, others just stared.

The Germen Shepered just stood their watching me.

Become me, you are me. Bad dog, bad cat. Be me, bones, blood, kill. Bad girl, bad.

I long to be the German Shepered. I don't feel normal in my skin. I feel weird.

I failed my arms and shouted. The 'hallucination' didn't move,it just sat.

" The rest of us don't see what your seeing, Scarlett. Knock it off," one of the studens, Jason said. "If this is for attenton it's not funny."

The dog just stayed sat, as if it was given an order.

Mr. Spencer was saying soming, saying my name, someone else said somthing else. I just wanted to hide.

I jumped off the desk and haphazardly gathered my things and ran from the room.

Scampering to the bathroom I dumped my things on the floor and slamed the stall shut. I put my face in my hands and just shook.

I've been seeing this dog for a few months and have been hearing voices and other symptoms as well.

For the next twinty minutes I just stay in my stall, wished that I just had class just like everyone else.

I'm not telling mom and dad any of this. I went to the doctor today ( I made the appointment for where they were out of town for a week.)

I took the bus home instead of walked this time. I didn't go home I went to my friends appartment. It was a few miles from school. Jake lives by himself (I've considered moving in with him.)

I rapped on Jake's door. A pale skined, black haired boy about seventeen opened it.

"Hi, Scarlett!"

" I need to talk to you about somthing," I said sounding a bit urgent."

"Well, then, come in!" He waved me inside and shut the door.

"Jake, lisen, I, um, went to the doctor. As you know I have been hullcinating a German Shepherd and have been hearing voices and my body somtime hurts or aches. I feel 'weird' like i'm not human, I have a hard time focusing."

" Yes, I know."

Jake was the only person that i'd trust with this information, or with any information that I wouln't tell anyone else, secret, touchy subjects. We grew more intament as the years went on though Elamentry school, middle school, and high school. We trusted each other, maybe more than simple trust.

And no, I don't love him. Just like him as a friend.

Jake asked," Would you like to eat or drink anything?"

" Mmm, do you have pinnapple juice?"

" No, sorry, are you ok with milk."

"Sure, that's fine," I said casually.

As Jake was pouring me a glass he asked," Tell me about your appointment,"

" Um," I said slowly sounding uncomfortable," Would you still like me if I had a chronic illness?"

"What kind of question is that," Jake spat. " Their is absolutely nothing that you could say that would stop me from being your friend,"

Sudden sadness hit me at the realization of the diginoses. My blood turned to ice.

"The doctor said that I'm schizophrnic."

He didn't even look surprised he just, retorted ," You are NOT schizophrnic. If you wre schizophrnic I'd see a lot of behavioral changes in you. I don't see that in you. You'd have a lot of probleams with forming and keeping relationships and with communicating and remembering and...Your NOT schizophrnic, I mean, schizophrinics don't ACT normal, the're very diffirent form the rest of us!" Then he sighed, his voice sofing, he put up his hands like a 'stop' motion. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that--the point is, I don't think that your schizophrnic."

Then he said," Symptoms, tell me your symptoms."

" I have been hallucinating a German shepherd and I have been hearing voices, I have been have trouble concentrating and I keep feeling 'werid' in my own skin, like I'm not human."

"Interesting...As you kmow I do my medical reserch from WebMD...this is very pucural. This dosn't sound like full-blown schizophrinia."

"What do the voices say?"

" Just random things. And I understand it, too. Today in school I saw the German shepherd again."

"How long has your symptoms been lasting?"

"Seven and a half months."

Jake though for a moment,"How about I offer you the best medical care."

"Where? In Kansas City?"

"If I tell you I'd have to kill you. Tust me"

Scarlett gave him a serious look, then added joking," How can I trust somone who is about to kill me. He just might be a sociopath."

"Murderer."

"Serial killer! Haha, get it! I kill ceral for breakfest."

"Hang me and burn me at the steak please...Ok, but seriously, meet me here tomarrow after school, ok."

"But where are we going?"

"It's a secret."

************

School passed surprising quickly the next day.

I quickly walked to his house, excited, thoughs of getting better in my head.

"Jake, I'm ready."

"Oh, good, I'm going to put this over your eyes so you don't see anything."

It was a scarf -- not a think one for winter, but a thin fashonable one -- that was navy blue. This is weird, why blindfold me, I'm not going anywhere speical. I decided to play along.

Sense he dosn't have a car we took a bus to somewhare. I didn't know where we were going. I could tell that by the light that was comthing throug the fabric that it was aproching twilight, but that was it. Soon darkness was infront of us and light was behind us. The air was cooler.

"Are we in a cave?"

We stoped when we were in compleat blackness. I heard the sound of somthing sliding open. Then there was the slight sensation of droping, like I was on an elavator. Was I on an elavator? No dobut.

"Where are we going?" No answer. After about five minutes the falling sesation stoped. The elavator doors opend.

The dank oder of soil and clay and rock greeted me. Darkness still. "Seriously, where are we?... Then it hit me, We're underground arn't we."

We walked in almost compeat darkness (the cave walls faintly glowed) untill I could see--faintly see that their was ligh, hazy light that glowed infront of me in rows like candles. Voices, I heard voices--talking, laughing, growling and barking, more growling and barking that would normaly be heard. Why growling and barking? Odd?...I also heard the sound of hoofs, like horses hoofs cloping on the ground.

We walked further. Then the blindfold came off. Light, the light was blinding for few seconts as my eyes had to adgust. Blinking, I realized that I was a clinic-like setting, Irridessent, rainbow-colored slabs of stone held up the place.

I saw the men and women there behind the checken-in desk. They were wearing blue -- the nurses-- and the doctors--red labcoats. I was shocked to see a perch with blue irridessint colored bird sitting ontop with a black canister around its neck like a necklass. The perch was behind the front desk.

"May I--I haven't seen you around. Are you new?"

" I guess so. Wh-"

She went to a stack of three-hole-punched binders that were labed according to the alphabet. I could tell that they were bound in brightly colored leather.

" Your name," the nurse said while looking for a binder.

"Scarlett Tomphson."

I hear her mutter, "hm, last name is funny," as she she's muttering the A-B-C's song as she serches for my name. I was about to say that I--

" I'm sorry, but I can't find your name," Then the women--Lyla Ruffkin (wich I can tell by the embroiderer name on her front)-- starts getting defensive with me! Her voice inflection is colorful.

" Are you a full-Bood? Half-Blood? Quarter -Blood? Or No-Blood."

" I don't know, Full--Blood. I don't know, " keeping my voice even, calm, innocence sounding.

" Who broght this Full-Blood here," she demaned!

" I did," Jake said, coming forward. " I broght her here."

Her voice droped in anger," Young pup, your Mother-Dog should of tough you better than to be a crimminal! Do you want to go to prison and face a Muzzeling? This girl will just get deported, you know that don't you?"

" No, " Jake answered truthfully. He didn't know what the women was talking about. His Aunt Katrina kept him quit sheltered.

" She's my friend i'm trying to help her. I brough her here to see a doctor And you don't even know if she's a Full--Blood."

He was right about that.

" I don't know what the doctors can do for you ." She remarked snarkliy.

I wanted to ask a lot of questions, but now was not the time and place. What kind of a weird place is this? What's a Mother--Dog? What' s a Muzzeling?

A peice of paper was put in the canaster around the birds neck. It flew off.

Soon a young man in his eairy twenties was at the clinic. "I am Mr. Dewpaw. What seems to be the probleam."


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69 Reviews


Points: 606
Reviews: 69

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Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:30 pm
NympheaLily wrote a review...



Top of the morning, NympheaLily here for review!

So I thought this was a really good start to a story, especially with all of the 'hallucinations' that she's having. There are only a couple mistakes that I saw.

First, you need to check your spelling and grammar. I got a little bit confused because of it, but that doesn't matter. Easy fix right? Also, the story was a bit quick with the story line. Where did the dog come from in the beginning of the story? Did it materialize? Was it already set and ready to go? One more thing, when you are doing your formatting, make sure that you make it clear for who's talking. I got confused on that part.

Now, on to the good bits! The story you have here overall is very interesting and I can't wait until you write some more. Keep me posted on if you write more. I like the suspense at the ed and that's amazing. If you can, use the cliffhangers. I know, people will be upset, but its worth it. It's to help them keep reading your story to find out what happens after that chapter. So, if you can USE CLIFFHANGERS. They're very effective. I love the way you kind of introduced the character 'Jake' to us without actually using descriptors. Keep it up and as always KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYIPNG!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily




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Points: 529
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Thu Nov 19, 2015 5:06 pm
Marya wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm here to review!

This might actually turn into a nice story, but you surely need to work on it. Before publishing anything try to check all of the spelling and grammar mistakes you might have, the story's kind of hard to read otherwise. I also suggest you make your paragraphs longer and add more descriptions so it doesn't seem like thing are happening way to fast (plus, that would help the reader get the image of what is happening)

It would also be better if you'd make the characters' description a bit longer. Take some time and write some details, maybe about clothes, face shape and et cetera. Make it three-four sentences, so everyone doesn't become a ''whoever in his whatevers'.

I hope I was at leaf a bit helpful! Really looking forward to see the next chapters.






Thanks, yeah im working on it.



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Points: 46
Reviews: 4

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Sun Nov 15, 2015 7:39 pm
K4wa wrote a review...



Why are your paragraphs so short? It may be your style, I just find it a little bit annoying.

you have misspelled quite a few word here.

The Germen Shepered just stood their watching me.

use *there instead of "their"

Mr. Spencer was saying soming

*something

For the next twinty minutes

*twenty

"Jake, lisen,

You can not correct this one, maybe it was intended for that character to say lisen instead of listen, maybe he has some strange accent.

Their is absolutely

Again, be free not to correct it.

diginoses

*Diagnosis is what you meant i gather.

There are few more misspells i haven't listed, just be sure to use spellcheck next time, i use it every time!



Now, story is good, and i mean it in a genuine way, it is great even tho badly presented. The first scene was kind of odd (it reminded of the first scene from the horror film 'Unborn') but then it picks up pretty well. I, as a reader, became genuinely interested as to where Jake has brought her and what's going at all.
First half was pretty messy and too fast paced to my liking with misspells that do not help either, but second half looks pretty promising with less grammatical errors as well (like completely new writer stepped in.)
What I would do is start from:

"But where are we going?"
"It's a secret."


And make her reveal the first scene and that dialogue as a flashback, it would be more effective i guess, but it is only a modest suggestion.

Keep it up :)



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queenofsci says...


Thank you for pointing that out. I'll correct them ( which I'm doing on my own, not on here.)




The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13