Published October 27, 2011
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Pyro,
I appreciate the voice in this, and the raw energy and such. The title is what intrigued me really, because I love me some Myth references, though I would've loved to see more in the poem itself, but that's okay. Mostly, I get the impression that there's something you wish to express, whether it's the narrative or the emotions behind the event, or both .
When we communicate through the written word, it's a complex process that we undergo, because we think in these vague and obscure half-thoughts. A lot of the times we think in faded, distorted images or colors or scenes or symbols. So trying to get all this "clutter" onto paper, so that it's reformed and clear and logical-- well that's difficult in and of itself. I mean, since when are "emotions" logical?
So what do we do? We take shortcuts. We use cliches. We writers fall into the trap of overusing cliches to express what it is we want to say. And people are always saying "stay away from cliches", but the truth of the matter is that we use them because they describe such situations perfectly, and that's why it gets overused.
But the problem with cliches is that it's boring. It's expected and overtime the phrases themselves become hollow and meaningless. This is not what poetry aims to do.
So rewrite these.
~ as always, Audy
Thanks for giving me that heads up. I'm glad I read this. It was dramatic and painful without over-doing it. I especially LOVED the last two stanzas. "The blood you are spilling, the snow it will stain ..." The words just flowed so beautifully and were descriptive, too. You used some.. how do I put it? Old-time English/Victorian flair [?] and I liked it. Usually Old English trips me up, but this wasn't too confusing. ha.
And the ending? "I refuse to just be one more heart on your shelf." tied it all together. amazing. At first I wasn't sure what exactly this was about, but the "heart on your shelf" cleared it up perfectly.
no complaints :D
I'm not just saying this. this piece is high up on my list of "favorite anger poems". haha (:
I really liked this, and I can't see anything particularly major to critique you on. The only thing I could say is you could add a little more flavor to the poem. Honestly, if I were you I'd take out that initial cuss word. When I write, I like to spice up my poetry with colors and let them show my emotions. Each word has it's own emotion, and it's own color in each person's mind. Cuss words are always black words, and they make everything around them seem black as well, which in a dark poem is something you're going for, but it overpowers all the other emotions of the individual words. I know that's just my opinion, so don't take it too harshly
it really is a good poem.
. Keep writing!
I feel like you stopped mid sentence however. There is no real "end."
This must be ended,
I'll do it myself.
I refuse to just be
one more heart on your shelf.
Just seems......Idk, inconclusive. It also isn't very powerful. Like I was saying above, all words have colors, flavors, and emotions....but I feel like you're just using salt and pepper here. Black and white....Put in some figurative language, some dramatic exit, SOMETHING exciting.....Not just "and then I left" like this seems to be.
Goodluck, you've done a fantastic job despite my nitpicking
Hey! This is really good. I forgive your language. I hear worse in school hallways every day. I have to admit, I had to google Spetsnaz.
One paragraph didn't make a lot of sense to me,
I just feel like this is weirdly worded. I had to reread it a couple of times to understand, but the rest of the poem flowed really smoothly and easily.
This was my favorite part.
Exactly! Good job, I liked it, and keep writing!
This is a great piece! Normally, I too would shun the use of profanity, especially whilst in a poem. However, you truly conduct these words in such a way that, it actually fits and adds beauty to the poem. And, of course, this also shows your anger. I see that your setting is a battle in war? And against the Spetsnaz, this proves to be interesting indeed. Could you tell us what inspired you to write it?
Heroic,
Swift,
Creative,
Action-packed
I like it. =D