Hello!!! this is a poem that i worte in one of my darkest days, is inspired in one of those days i n which there was this guy....I think you can imagine the rest. (not my boyfriend). So here it goes, plz comment, review correct if necessary
Listen the music of the first two pages
Look at him and remember his voice
As a withered flower bleeding within you
As an angel falls and looks like a demon
With a cast so perfect and eyes so gleaming
Blazing like a star and dying like fire
Feel the time slowly fade away in a closet
Door of a painful love or a snowy evening
Of a winter day
So many nights crying and so many days feeling
The same unuseful resentment and the same
Unexpected murder
With handsome eyes and a mistifying smile, he
Comes against his creed and finds torment
Attempt to think of him as your infernal
Blessing or even look at him as your dreadful
passion
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
No need to thank me xD It does have potential.
But remember to use proper spelling, grammmar, and to not use caps when talking here xD
And just because something is sad or depressing, doesn't mean it's emo
Oh, I forgot to mention that we don't use chatspeak here on YWS. You're know, so I'll lte you off easy this time
-Shina
hi. THNKS. and yeah, I know,cliche. Everyone writes about that. THNKS for reviewing it, i really needed it.
And thnks for saying that my dark-somehow-emo poem has potential
Hey Pudin ^^ Shina here to do a review
I. Nitpicks
This is more of a command when I think you mean the narrator is the one doing this.
You were just talking to the audience, in general, and now you're talking to Him. One audience, don't shift.
Not "and" because you say "as".
Should be:
"As an angel falls, it looks like a demon"
or "Though an angel, as it falls it looks like a demon"
Depending on what you're point was.
"So" is being used too much here. It's like adding "really" in front of an adjective, and it really really loses its effect if you use it too much @_@
How did winter get into the picture?
Repitition of "so" as well as "same." Mix it up a bit.
*mystifying
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Overall
There was some nice imagery here, but not enough to keep it from being cliche.
This poem has potential and a hidden meaning, but it's unclear and it takes a lot of effort to read what's between the lines.
-Shina