It was overwhelming, almost too impressive for me to understand. The buildings and houses and even the dense atmosphere was heavy on me, so burdensome that almost unconsciously I stopped. Everything seemed so different, everything was different. Well, after all it had been more than a hundred years since I was last out in the sunlight.
First day of school. Uff.
I took a deep breath and continued walking; the warm aroma of the wild flowers surrounded me as if in a protective layer of sweetness. The smell of the fresh paint was still in the air and it was almost intoxicating. The buildings surrounding the big campus were almost too big to even pretend to be high school buildings; they seemed to drag me right into its architectural grandeur. That was where I was going, Jefferson’s Senior High School in the State of New York.
For the first time in many, many years I was ridiculously nervous. For most people, normal teenagers who had a life, tenth grade was just a time that you spent with your friends, studied when you could since that wasn’t really our concern, and just enjoyed your adolescence. But for me, it was like a medieval torture that I had to go through every day and not just once. Technically, I didn’t have to go through this but I had to obey my master’s orders and attend this hellhole. So I walked through the school’s lane until I reached the first building on the right and found the office.
It was kind of awkward for me being among humans, teenage humans that talked about such superfluous stuff that it almost ached in my ears. It was so lame! But as my tutor said, had to fit in as best as I could. The line to the office was not long though; there were just two or three kids making line to get their book list and stuff. But what irritated me the most was the fact that even when I knew most if not all the things about this grade, I still had to wait and be taught. I could have easily got over all these dudes in front of me and get this all done, but… I had to be human.
“Aliz Feh…” Yeah, that was part of my name being called. And that usually happened here in North America, not one person knew how to pronounce my last name. Oh, damn me for being Hungarian and having a difficult name to pronounce!
“Feher Miss” I called, walking slowly towards the secretary whose hair was obviously dyed blonde because the black roots in the middle were incredibly noticeable. She looked at me from above her huge round glasses and went back to her papers.
“Miss Aliz” Her voice rung in my ears like a mistuned bell, almost two octaves higher than a normal human voice.” You are already late for your first class but since you are new I guess I can call the teacher and make an excuse for you”
I just nodded, what was I supposed to say anyways? Thank you didn’t really apply to this situation, and any other phrase I was thinking about wouldn’t have sounded too polite.
“So here’s your map, you school supplies list, you reading list, and your schedule. Now, off you go”.
Well that was quick, and quite impolite of her. Ugh, how irritating were humans! But good thing it was quick, so I grabbed my backpack and schedule and started walking away from the secretary’s desk. But before I opened the door, the high pitched voice sounded again in my ears..
“Miss Feh…”
“Feher” I said through gritted teeth. It was so annoying that no one knew how to say my last name. It was Hungarian not American. American last names were so lame and simple. I wished I could kill her for that, but I learned the hard way that killing people for that was not the right thing.
“ I think your tutor already got you all the books, didn’t he?” . This was great, I loved him, I loved my tutor but I wondered when he was going to let me do all things by myself. I mean, after all I was old enough to do some things alone.
“Yes” I said flashing a smile a bit too fake. But before I could turn around a strange feeling came. It was as if I was being suffocated, as if my lungs were about to collapsed. That feeling so rushed and out of nowhere resembled one single thing, thirst. But with that desperate feeling came a voice, so soft and mesmerizing.
“Hey umm, do you think you can give me the list?” The soft manly voice said from behind me. Even with the many years I had on me and the control I was supposed to have over myself, I couldn’t help to turn around and look at the person that had such beautiful voice.
And it was boy, a boy around seventeen years old with a black cap on his head. I couldn’t really see his face but there was something about him that seemed so weird and intriguing. He was pale, quite very pale or at least that was all I could see. His voice, even when whispering sounded so beautiful. But the secretary’s irritating nasal speaking just ruined the whole moment and made his sound awkward. It was hard not to fall for such tempting presence but I had to if I wanted to stay here.
So I slowly began walking away from the office towards my classroom, trying hard not to think of the sudden attack of the thirst. Being inside such big, modern building definitely made me curious, and it served as a distraction. It had been so long since I had last being in the outer world: smelling the fresh air, taking in every scent I could find, looking at such brilliant blue sky even when it was winter. That made me walk slower, slower than I should have for I was quite too late for school. But just the feeling of having my curly brown hair move with the wind was beautiful, it was refreshing.
After a while of walking I reached my classroom. It was a big white classroom with three window panels on the east side of it, looking directly to the gardens. The teacher looked at me with wide angry eyes that looked more surprised than mad. I don’t know if he was doing it on purpose, but his face almost made me burst out into laughter. Mr. Carlson I think it was his name.
“Miss…” There he was going.
“Feher” I said through gritted teeth. I was in between hating my last names or hating the stupid Americans that couldn’t pronounce it.
“You’re late for class” Something I always wondered, always all through this many years, was why humans tend to say things that everyone already know. Yes I was late, something else?
“But your tutor already updated us with your current situation, so I think you are excused for this day” Mr. Carlson said. My tutor here, my tutor there, he always surprised me. I never knew how he managed to be two steps ahead all the time. Not even I was aware of what my current situation was!
“So little missy, you can go sit there” he pointed at the last row of seats where there was an open space for me. Perfect, being on the front meant more attention drawn to me so the row before the last one was perfect. So I walked slowly towards it, staring down at the floor for the curious gaze of all the kids in the classroom was heavy on me.
I sat down and took my English book out while some of my classmates still stared at me. That was getting a bit irritating; yes, I was new, big deal! But well, the years that had gone by were not in vain, so I tried to calm down and seem…human. As long as I knew, humans liked attention, no matter how uncomfortable that could be. But I had to admit that even some of our kind liked attention and they liked getting it the bad way. The good thing is that in my world, everything had a price.
“So, let’s open our reading book on page…” The teacher began saying with his almost mockingly serious tone before a sweet voice interrupted him again. And there the teacher went, with his funny angry expression once again on his face.
He was there, standing in the doorway, with his cap and a guitar in his hands. It was the guy I found in the office and just as before, the same strange feeling ran through me. It was some sudden warmness, the kind of warmness I was not able to feel, for long ago I had been deprived from daylight. For some reason, I liked it but there was also this edge of danger in the warmness. But I ignored it.
“So, Mr. Aidan, late again?” The teacher asked him with a severe tone and finally gave him a serious look. Aidan just nodded and took off his cap. And to my surprise, he was really gorgeous, so very gorgeous with a classic beauty but still so modern and rebel.
“Well mister, since you’re late I guess you’ll have to sit on the back…as always” Yeah, the teacher had some sort of incapacity of being serious. Unlike the teacher, Aidan seemed so serious and deathly. There was something about his eyes, well, besides the strange reddish brown color of them. There was this strange…secret behind them; a secret that seemed to drag me into them.
The seat the teacher pointed to him was right behind mine. That was either, great because he was so breathtaking or totally wrong, because he had this aura that made my lungs collapse and my breathing become difficult. With a soft pace, he walked past me to the empty seat behind mine. Even his smell was so strange but such a wonderful aroma! If I had been alive then, I would have blushed so red and felt so nervous .But now, after so many years, I felt nothing besides the attraction that the boy created and the dangerous feeling of living again.
***so this is quite experimental but I'm already in the third chapter of the story.lol. So please read, comment, review***
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Pudin! Here as you requested.
You've gotten a lot of good and detailed critiques already, so I thought I would just tell you my general thoughts about this story and not go into nitpicks so much, since most of it would just be repetition of the above.
Throughout the story, I felt like you were stating the obvious almost constantly. I guess, according to your main character, that it's only human:
But this is exactly what you do. For example, we don't need constant reminding of that the MC's surname is hard to pronounce because of her being Hungarian and whatnot.
This whole thing is superfluous – you could just have "I nodded."
Wait... it doesn't let me see the story now when I'm editing. Humph. Overall, yes, there were punctuation problems, and your biggest and most annoying problem, if you will, was the thing I already pointed out. You have a lot of places which are almost the equivalent of the following:
You see what I mean? You repeat things often, and I'm sure you don't do it intentionally. If you're used to doing so, you probably don't even notice it, but try to pay attention to it in the future.
The title of the story was interesting and caught my attention even if you hadn't requested this review.
Demeter
x
Hey Pudin! I see you have reviewed this and I have to tell you, it does sound better than before!
Period after class.
period after there.
Period after always.
So basically you need to work on proper punctuation.
Take a look at my examples one more time and notice where I have placed the periods/commas.
"That little boy," he said. (Comma if you plan on describing the way the quote is being said or an action or something like that)
"That's him." I walked up to him and shook his collar. (here I'm starting a new sentence so a period in the quotation mark should mean the ending that particular sentence. Do you get it?)
I'm going to provide you with a link I think might help you out with this problem. If you still have questions or still need some explanation in depth feel free to PM, Pudin. I'll be glad to help out.
Cheers!
~Pink
Hey Pudin! It's Mo, here to review!
I really liked this! You've really got me curious as to what happens next.
I think that in a few places, her emotions snap a little too quickly, one minute she happy enough, and then the next, she's gritting her teeth at a teacher who can't pronounce her name. Maybe you could try and transition into the anger a little easier. She's angry at a teacher who can't pronounce her name, when it seems like she's got a few more important problems to worry about.
I think you've done a good job of keeping the story interesting, and I can't wait to hear more!
Good job! Thanks for posting this.
Keep writing!
~Mo.
I edited!
Review please1
And by the way, I decided Hungarian because it's a country that almost no one chooses and since it's so different, and its culture and history are so interesting and not many people really sees how wonderful that is.
Hello, Pudin. Long time since I've read anything of yours, so sorry.
Well, this is a completely different piece than your other novel-- I like it more, so far.
I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of sentence structure and fluency, but sometimes your sentences are over-wordy, due to repetition. One example:
GAh. my computer turns off in one minute sory b back tomorrow.
Most of what I could critique in this was already said before me. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm also Hungarian, and it felt familiar how no one could pronounce the MC's name - I liked those parts
Why did you choose her to be Hungarian of all the nations she could have been from? (Yeah, probably not the most important part of the story, but I'm curious 
)
Good luck with this one!
Hello Pudin, I'm Maddy and I'll be reviewing your work today. I am probably not the most nicest critic because I do pull apart stories and get down to business. In a polite, gentle way though. I promise.
I focus on advice rather than grammar.
Here we go:
Not quite the breath-taking first sentence. Try jazzing it up a little bit, make it more exciting.
I wasn't aware she had stopped. 0-o. Maybe you could make this obvious?
The surrounded isn't really a good descriptive word. Maybe you could say something like "The warm smell of the wild flowers enticed my nostrils".
A repeat of smell not on purpose: Try words like "odour", "aroma", "scent".
Lose the almost, it's not needed.
Try a spin on words, say, "For most adolescent, free-thinking teenagers, tenth grade was.." See what I mean? It juices up the paragraph and gives an insight into how your character virews society.
A repeat of school not on purpose: Here you could place the first "school" with a generally disliked place. "Obey my master’s orders and attend this mudhole." Is an example you could use.
Don't really need the add-on as it isn't well worded. Instead of what you have, say something like=
"It was a little awkward for me because ... . I did my best not to show my feelings, though, because my tutor said I had to fit in as best as I could."
This wording doesn't quite make sense. I also don't think it suits the character very well based off what I have read here, but that is my opinion.
Comma after the "most". And get rid of the "to wait and". We understand that she is waiting.
Replace the "this" with "these", "got over all" with "pass all of" and "get this hell done" with "get this over and done with". That way the sentence is more understandable.
End with Hungarian. You already told us it was difficult to pronounce.
Put a comma before "Miss" and because you just used the word "called", unstead you could say "replied".
A repeat of "obvious". You could use "incredibly noticable" to replace the last obvious.
Quotation marks on the wrong word.
Put a comma between "First" and "Class".
Before the "was", add "else", and instead of "any other thing that I was thinking" rephrase it with "any other phrase that I thought about saying".
Most of this paragraph doesn't need to be stated. Comma before "but". Replace "for she called me before I even turned around" with "because she called my name again before I had time to turn around". You can get rid of every other sentence after that, because the information stated in there is already known to the reader.
No "oh", because it doesn't flow on with what the secretary just said.
A repeat of "beautiful". Try other words, like "gorgeous", "wonderful", "exquisite", "lovely".
Too much repeat of voice! Sorry, but it got annoying to read. I really think you should reword this sentence to get rid of "voice". An example would be=
"But the secretary ruined everything and butted in, causing him to sound awkward."
Maybe try "It had been so long since I had last visited the outside world:"
Again, you could replace the last "smell" word with one of the words I suggested before.
Remove the "too", because the "quite" and "too" mean the same thing in that sentence.
Don't need the "by the way"
You've repeated information again. Your readers already understand she hates it when someone pronouces her name that way. You can get away with saying:
"“Feher.” I spoke, annoyed.
Put a comma after "situation".
"drawn" is the word.
Lose the comma.
Wow, this is a long review. But I really enjoyed your story! I adore the plotline and it really compelled me into reading more. I hope you continue with this!
Hi Pudin! Pink here as requested!
I have to say, I really like your idea so far. Hopefully you can build upon this and make it catchy and fun!
Alright so one thing I want to point out is repetition. I've noticed you repeat things often, try watching out for that. I don't remember where but it's in there somewhere aha.
Also, review some simple comma rules. For example:
"Blah, blah," he said.
"Blah, blah." He turned around and smacked me in the face.
"Look," he said, his eyebrows began moving up and down, "see this?"
Hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say
Overall, you did a pretty decent job. I mean I really like the idea! Though there wasn't much characterization in this chapter I do think they're interesting and all.
Keep it up!
~Pink
Hey there pudin! Tis WD, as requested.
I'm glad I got to read this piece. You have some interesting ideas and I especially liked the touch with the main character being Hungarian. I so often see these first day of school stories with the main character feeling displaced for simply being new, and you add a new dimension to that by letting us know that ethnicity is another issue. Very nice there.
The one thing that bothered me about this piece is that I did not get a very good feel for your character. I got a good feel for your character's circumstances, but not your character. This is mostly because the narrator put a huge emphasis on telling and I didn't get a good idea of your narrator voice, so to touch on those two issues.
So, you have a nice foundation for this. I generally do not like these kind of 'new kid' stories, and I rather liked it, so that is a giant plus sign on your side.
1. The telling narrator
Throughout this piece, you relied on the narrator describing the surroundings, and that's okay, but I noticed a large lack of specific reactions, feelings and specifics from your narrator. There were some specifics, but especially at the beginning, you didn't hook me because I felt like your narrator was just telling me everything and was largely absent from the picture. So, let's take a look at your beginning:
All right, you do a good job of setting the scene here, but notice the lack of feeling from your narrator. Your narrator tells us all this stuff but doesn't have any real presence in it. Thus me feeling distanced from the story and that's never a good way to start. When you're revising this, keep some things in mind like what your narrator is most likely to notice, how that makes your narrator feel, what kind of visceral feelings is your character experiencing? How does your narrator walk? Are the narrator's eyes drawn to any particular object? Do your narrator's feelings of nervousness intensify? These small kinds of details provide a sense of closeness to the character that immediately engages readers, so try to focus less on telling and more on the character, and this will improve marvelously.
Another example of this:
Here's another moment where character detail would help a lot. Slowly but strong? What does that mean? HOW does your character walk slowly but strong? The clearer picture we get of your character and the more you suck us into the character's head, the more interested we will be.
2. Narrator voice
So, you have a narrator. And your narrator likes telling stuff. I just went through how we need more character feeling, but yeah, it is a narrator and narrators do tell people stuff. This is where narrator voice comes in. The narrator voice is the specific tone and way of talking your narrator has. Now, it doesn't have to come out and slap the reader in the face though it can, but I feel like this could use some work in this department. Right now your narrator is telling us all this stuff, but I'm not getting a specific tone or way of talking. It sounds like this is told by a third person narrator, but it's in first person right now. So, when you go through this, really try to focus in on what your narrator sounds like. The selection of detail stuff I mentioned above will help with this a lot. Really think about how your narrator notices things and voices them.
Right now your narrator has a good voice whenever the last name mispronunciation comes up, but I think you can weave a more distinct narrator voice throughout this and engage your reader more fully.
I liked this! You have a nice start and those are just a few things to think about as you revise and make this even more pretty. Good job and keep writing! Please PM me if you have any questions!
Hey pudin,
Review as requested.
First up, your dialogue punctuation is all wrong. Demeter has made a really article you should go read because that'll explain all how to format your dialogue properly.
You also spelt school wrong in your title
This is a pretty boring first line. You need to hook the reader's attention, and all you've done here is turn me away. Dispense with this, and try something else.
Nice little section here; I like the bit about the paint being intoxicating.
However, In the third sentence you use 'big' and 'buildings' twice. Try and think of some different words, otherwise it kills your writing.
The repetition of many in the first line is superfluous. I actually think you should get rid of both and look for a better word. 'Many' is just so bluergh.
There's some other repetition in here, too, that you should look out for. I know how easy it is to get comfortable using the same word, but it makes for mundane reading. Comb through your work and try and think of more interesting words to replace them with.
The last sentence doesn't really make sense. "Get this hell done" is strange, and I think you mean "these" dudes not "this dudes".
I actually quite liked the set-up of the story, you've got an interesting concept but there wasn't much time to learn about the main character here. It's an okay written start. I think you really need to work on your description and your language -- I've read that "first day of school" story about fifty times and it's always described in the same boring way and there's nothing I get from it. I think you could do a lot more with this, perhaps have something more interesting happen rather than just walk into class and then describe a hot boy coming in.
It's a bit cliche, there's no real action and there's not much to grab at. The best bits were the slight mentions of what the character is, but otherwise it's a pretty standard school story.
Good luck.