z

Young Writers Society



Marked

by pshhxhoney


Chapter One

“Meghan get me a wet cloth; now!” I heard my father yell. I didn’t dare open my eyes; it would cause too much pain. I heard Meghan scatter off to the bathroom and the rambunctious faucet turn on.

“This can’t be happening; not now.” My father said.

“It’s not your fault honey.” My mother soothed.

I was in complete pain. My body hurt all over. I was burning up too. My insides burned with such intensity, every time my heart made a beat, my blood burned and boiled. I couldn’t move without pain.

“I didn’t think this would happen…” My father said his voice trailing off.

“Here,” Meghan said.

I suddenly felt a little cooler on my forehead.

“This isn’t going to help much get ice and more cloths.” My father said. I heard Meghan scatter out of the room again.

The pain engulfed my whole body inside and out. I knew I could fight it though, the pain, from the strength I had. The strength that had gotten me through all the other things I have been through. The same strength that flowed through my dad and made him get through most of his life.

“I know how hard it is for her,” Meghan suddenly said.

“As do I,” My father said placing cloths filled with ice on various parts of my burning body.

“How long does it last?” I asked wincing as I spoke the words. I still didn’t open my eyes.

“Two days,” Meghan said with pain in her voice. I winced again.

“The pain goes away, but slowly.” Meghan said.

“I’m sorry, Sky.” My father said grabbing my hand. I winced again and he let go of my hand.

“It’s okay. I mean it doesn’t hurt that bad.” I said grimacing; my eyes still closed.

“I must go and talk to the others. Good luck, Sky.” Meghan said leaving the room and running out of the house.

“It only last two days,” My mother said.

“Only two days!” I yelled. I screamed in pain, as my blood started to feel like it was boiling.

“The pain goes away slowly.” My father said.

“Yeah, slowly,” I said.

“You have to relax and rest.” My mother said.

“I can’t when I’m going through this much pain!” I yelled my eyes still closed.

I heard footsteps coming from the hall of the house. It must be Meghan and the others.

“Just let them stay in here and you guys go.” I demanded.

I heard my parents leave the room and Meghan and the others enter closing the door.

“The pain isn’t that bad.” I said trying to re assure them.

“We all know it is.” Meghan said.

“You’re right. I don’t want you to worry about me and the pain though.” I said.

“The pain can kill you. Not all people make it.” A familiar voice said.

“I know that, Tucker.” I said with annoyance in my voice.

“You shouldn’t be so confident you’re going to make it. Not that it’s bad, but it is another possibility.” Tucker said.

“Please, Tucker!” I said moving a little making me scream in pain.

“I’m sorry.” Tucker said.

“Tucker, please, you know how you get when you are in this condition.” Meghan said politely.

Meghan I knew since first grade. We were never friends; we just saw each other and we would occasionally talk to each other, but not for long. Meghan was the nicest person I have ever met. It’s also a plus for her that she is elegant too. She has dirty blond hair and blue eyes. She has freckles on her nose. Her nose is straight and when she smiles she has little dimples. She always has boys liking her, but she never goes out with any of them. Except for now she started going out with Tucker.

I have no clue how they started dating because they are complete opposites. Meghan is so sweet and innocent, and Tucker…I’ll have right now is one word: trouble. I guess Meghan sees the best in him though. It helps that Meghan thinks he is cute, don’t get me wrong he kind of is. He has a nice dark brown color for his hair and light chocolate brown eyes. He has a straight nice nose, and nice fair sized lips.

“I know that, Meghan, but I she has to learn how to control her temper.” Tucker said.

“I’m sorry, it’s just so hard.” I said.

“Just try not to lash out on us.” He said with irritation in his voice.

“I’m sorry, I’m trying.” I said trying to relax.

“Sky, just relax. It’s going to be okay.” I felt a hot hand grip mine.

“It’s just so hard, Brian.” I said softly.

“It’s not our fault you’re like this, it’s your dad’s.” Tucker said.

“It is not! It’s our ancestors and what was passed on.” I hissed.

“She’s right. Don’t blame this on her dad.” Brian said.

“Just shut up about this!” I yelled.

There was an awkward silence.

“Where are they?” I asked.

“They on the outside of the city, but still close.” Brian answered.

“But did you catch some?” I asked.

“No.” Brian mumbled.

“So there is still a chance they can come into the city and kill?” I said with anger in my voice.

“Yes.” Brian muttered.

“How could you guys be so reckless,” I yelled clenching my hands.

“You’re not in yet; so don’t ask us how we could be so reckless!” Tucker yelled at me.

“Shut up!” I yelled opening my eyes seeing Meghan, Brian, and Tucker gathered around my bed.

“It matters! And you’re not in yet!” Tucker yelled.

“It does not!” I hissed at him sitting up and moving my fist for the punch. I was stopped by Brian’s hand covering my fist and pushing back on it.

“Calm down.” He whispered.

I noticed I finally moved and the pain started to come again and worse. I screamed in agony. The pain shot though my veins.

“See what you do!” Meghan yelled. She came over to me and tried to place me down how I was before.

I screamed again.

“Tucker, we will talk about this later.”

I screamed again.

I tried to stay in the position I was in before, but the pain engulfed me. I screamed in agony again and grabbed the sheets.

“Calm down.” Brian whispered in my ear.

“I can’t when the pain is killing me.” I hissed at him.

“Try.” He said.

“I freaking can’t.” I said in between gritted teeth.

“Yes you can.” Brian said grabbing my shoulders and placing me down in my original position. I screamed again and gripped the sheets harder.

“Someone get me something cool to put on her!” Meghan yelled. I saw Tucker leave the room.

“Relax, Sky.” Brian said.

“I can’t.” I said again and screaming after. I felt Brian put his hand on my forehead.

“She’s burning up.” He said.

“Stop the pain!” I yelled at Meghan and Brian.

Tucker came in with two buckets filled with ice. They handed Meghan and Brian cloths and they put them in the water.

“Stop the pain now!” I yelled at them.

They took the cloths out of the water. Brian put one on my forehead. Meghan rubbed the cloth on my legs and arms and face. I felt a tiny bit cooler. Meghan kept dipping the cloth in the water and rubbing the cloth on my arms and legs and face. Brian kept dipping the cloth and filling it with ice and placing it on my forehead. I calmed down after fifteen minutes and the pain started to subside a little.

“She’s okay. Tucker, don’t get her angry; she could’ve killed you if I hadn’t stopped her.” Brian said to him.

“It’s not my fault she’s annoying and stupid.” Tucker mumbled.

“TUCKER,” Meghan yelled at him and slapped him on his arm.

“What? It’s true!” He said.

“Tucker…” I said warning him. He shut up.

“You know how it is to control your temper when you are like this.” Meghan said pointing to me.

“Yeah, yeah,” Tucker said.

“No, Tucker this is serious. You could be the death of her.” Meghan said.

“It’s not his fault he still has problems with his temper.” I said smiling.

“You little…” Tucker started to say but was cut off by Meghan.

“Stop, Tucker, just leave and patrol.” I saw Tucker leave the room and run out of the house.

“You’re going to have to get along with him if…you survive.” Meghan said.

“I know. He’s just so…UHG!” I said trying to relax.

“Don’t worry you’ll get use to it.” Meghan said.

“You should’ve seen what happened between me him.” Meghan said.

“What happened?” I asked.

“They fought; fist and feet and everything.” Brian said laughing.

“Yeah…the funniest part was that I won.” Meghan said going into hysterics. I suppressed my laughter because I knew if I started to laugh the pain would come back.

“Wow.” I said.

“Yeah, and you should’ve seen how we looked both after.” Meghan said while laughing.

“How did you guys look?” I questioned.

“I looked completely fine. Tucker on the other hand…” Meghan said her voice trailing off.

“Looked like shit.” Brian finished for her, everyone went into hysterics except for me.

I pain started to come back again. I gripped the sheets again and screamed. Meghan took the cloth out of the bucket and started to rub it again on my arms and legs and face. Brian wet the cloth again and placed it on my forehead. The pain shot threw my body again and worse this time; making me scream again. My grip on the sheets got tighter. Meghan and Brian kept wetting the cloths and continued on what they were doing before. I screamed again.

“I need cold water.” I said through gritted teeth.

“I know we are trying.” Meghan said.

“I’ll get more ice.” Brian said leaving the room.

Brian came back with the ice and filled the buckets with them, being a werewolf had its ups, such as significant strength. The cloths suddenly got cooler and cooler each time they touched my body again.

“She’s cooling down.” Brian said.

The pain was burning inside me. A shot of pain went through my body, boiling my blood. I screamed again.

“Just relax, Sky. At least try.” Meghan said. I tried relaxing, but I screamed again.

“This isn’t working out good.” Meghan said frustration in her voice.

“Don’t worry; the pain will subside a little bit in a few.” Brian said.

“I know. I hate seeing her like this though.” Meghan said.

“Brian, we have to patrol again.” Meghan said.

“We can’t someone needs to stay with her. Her parents are gone; they left to the supermarket for more ice.” Brian said with worry in his voice.

Meghan walked the doorway and hesitated when she heard Brian say that.

“I’ll stay with her.” Brian said.

“No!” I yelled.

“Why not,” He asked?

“I don’t want anyone staying. I don’t want to hurt anybody.” I answered.

“I’m staying,” Brian said.

“You sure,” Meghan asked.

“Yes.” He answered.

Meghan and Tucker left the room and ran out of the house into the woods.

I started to fume. I just said I didn’t want to hurt anybody. He can’t stay. He has to go. I don’t want to hurt him.

I looked to the side to see a pair of blue eyes staring at me.

“You can’t stay.” I said.

“Why not,” He asked?

“Because I don’t want to hurt you,” I answered

“I’m staying!” Brian said firmly.

“You can’t. I feel like with you just staying here I could lash out on you. I don’t want to kill you Brian.” I said softly.

“Well, that’s how it is being a werewolf.” Brian said.


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Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:58 am
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Great story, I just couldn't pass it by without letting you know I enjoyed it. Later, If you want I will ghive you an in depth review. You had a few spelling mistakes and missed a few words but that can be fixed. Youve got a great story going and all it needs is a bit of polishing up. Keep qwriting and let me know when your next post is out.




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Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:14 pm
pshhxhoney says...



JessicaB :

Thanks so much! I haven't had time to edit my stuff. I've been so busy! Thanks again for the comment. I will try to write more as fast as I can! Thanks again for everything! :D

Krisy




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Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:25 am
JessicaB wrote a review...



Hello,
I like it a lot. The beginning plot seems to be great. I know I want to hear more! I want to know what is going to happen next.

There are a few grammatical errors that were pointed out by Jasmine and Simple. They caught the ones I would have said.

My advice would to go through sentence by sentence and really make sure everything is in place, punctuation especially.

The error i saw most was that when two people used each others names there was no comma before their names.

Just go through it and check out all the punctuation and listen to what the other reviewers said.

-Jess




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Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:52 pm
pshhxhoney says...



ratdragoon:

Thanks. I try to edit my stuff as fast as I can, but its so hard lately because I'm busy all the time. I really got to watch my tags!

I have already written more, but haven't had much time to post it yet. I will try to post it as fast as i can! Thanks again! :D




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Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:14 am
ratdragoon wrote a review...



“I know that, Meghan, but I she has to learn how to control her temper.” Tucker said.

omit the second "I"

Other then the already noted parts that need fixing, that's all I spotted.

I liked the perspective writing, something I struggle at, it helped the flow, other then the many needless tags.

Oh, and are you going to write more? :D




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Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:38 am
pshhxhoney says...



ankhirke:

Oh, sorry, I didn't notice. Thanks so much. I don't want people to get turned off by that! Thanks! I'll PM as soon as I can edit! Thanks again! =D




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Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:23 am
ankhirke wrote a review...



okay, I couldn't quite get through all of this, and for one simple reason:

The dialogue tags. Oh my god, the tags. You need to cut down on them, MAJORLY. If you can't tell who's talking without the tags, then you really need to seriously examine how you're writing dialogue. "Said" should be the tag you use most often, and even then, you should only use it when it's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY in order to tell who's talking.

For example, this:

“Calm down.” Brian whispered in my ear.
“I can’t when the pain is killing me.” I hissed at him.
“Try.” He said.
“I freaking can’t.” I said in between gritted teeth.
“Yes you can.” Brian said grabbing my shoulders and placing me down in my original position. I screamed again and gripped the sheets harder.
“Someone get me something cool to put on her!” Meghan yelled. I saw Tucker leave the room.
“Relax, Sky.” Brian said.
“I can’t.” I said again and screaming after. I felt Brian put his hand on my forehead.
“She’s burning up.” He said.
“Stop the pain!” I yelled at Meghan and Brian.
Tucker came in with two buckets filled with ice. They handed Meghan and Brian cloths and they put them in the water.
“Stop the pain now!” I yelled at them.


Should read more like this:

“Calm down," said Brian, his voice soft in an attempt to soothe me.
“I - I can't! The pain - it's killing me!"
“Try.”
“I freaking can’t!"
“Yes you can!”
I screamed and gripped the sheets harder, Meghan yelling over me for someone to get water.
“Relax, Sky," Brian said.
I screamed again. “I can’t!" I felt his cool hand on my burning forehead, and then, his voice:
“She’s burning up."
"Stop it! Please!" I gasped. "Stop the pain!"
Tucker came in with two buckets filled with ice. He handed Meghan and Brian cloths and they put them in the water.
“The pain! Please! Stop it now!"


just remember, less is more. if you reexamine your tag use and edit for it, I'll give you a more indepth critique then. Just PM me. But seriously, I don't want to read an entire page of "he said, she said".




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Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:26 pm
pshhxhoney says...



Writing for love is a pas:

Thanks so much for your review! I like to hear that people like y stories! Thanks so much again!




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Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:48 pm



Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow! I am hooked. This story is flat out amazing!




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Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:49 am
Esmé wrote a review...



Pshhxhoney,

Hey, welcome to the site! I hope you’ll love it here, even if I do have to warn you that it’s very addicting. Scarily so, even.

Before I start with you critique - obviously the most important part in my post - I wanted to say one thing. At YWS there’s this one policy connected to reviews. If a writer posts something, and want that post to be critiqued, he or she has to have written at least 2 reviews for other people. Same goes for the next posting, and etc. So, you do that.

Anyway, Jasmine and simple gave good advice - mine is to listen to them when editing (:

A general point to watch out for is dialogue punctuation. There are really a lot of articles on this topic (and any other, really) just lying around. Check that/those, they might be a really, really big aid. Never underestimate the power of good punctuation/grammar. They’re tricky little beasts, but still.

Also, proofread your story - find sentence that sound awkward, and rephrase them. Catch any little things that were missed, e.g.:

Quote:
I pain started to come back again.

So, you do that. I know I’ve focused more on the grammar/punctuation part of the story, but I felt that part needs more tinkering. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!


Cheers,
Esme


P.S. You have a very pretty avatar (:




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Thu Sep 11, 2008 12:42 am
simple wrote a review...



“Why not,” He asked
question mark there.


“I’m staying.” Brian said firmly.

I think that would need an exclamation mark instead of a period.
“My temper is hard to control in this state I could lash out on you if you say one bad thing.”

I think that sentence is too long, maybe try making it like this: "My temper is hard to control, I might lash out on you in this state!"

“I feel like you just staying here I could lash out on you. I don’t want to kill you Brian.” I said softly.

You already said you would lash out on him, just get rid of that part, I think you should write this: "I dont want to kill you," I said softly.



another thing is you were naming too many people, i couldnt figure out who was who. But great ending, and i love the story!!




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Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:22 am
jasmine12 wrote a review...



Hey Kristen!!! I'm so excited!!! You posted it up, yay! Well, I thought i'd check it out again, sometimes i even miss stuff the first time. Okay here I go.


My insides burned with such intensity. Every time my heart made a beat, my blood burned and boiled.

I think that these two sentences would work together as one.
~~~~~~~~~
“This is not going to help much get ice and more cloths.”

Comma after much or make it a different sentence. Also, Since it's these days, bring together words like instead of 'is not' go with 'Isn't'
~~~~~~~~~
“I’m sorry Sky.”

Since Meghan is addressing Sky, put a comma after sorry.
~~~~~~~~~
“ONLY two days!”

Instead of caps...go for italics...i think it's prettier haha.
~~~~~~~~~
“Yeah; slowly,”

I yelled; my eyes still closed.

I know that ABC check on the computer puts these little semi colon things in, but in these cases a comma is just fine.
~~~~~~~~~
re-assure

I'm not exactly sure why the hyphon is there. Is there a hypon in that word?
~~~~~~~~
“I know that Tucker.”

“Please Tucker!”

Again, Sky is addressing Tucker so use a comma.
~~~~~~~~
She has freckles on her nose. Her nose is straight and when she smiles she has little dimples.

Reword this so that one sentence is talking about her freckle infested nose and another about her dimples. haha
~~~~~~~~~
“Sky, just relax. It’s going to be okay.” Another familiar voice said

I think I told you earlier about the 'Another familiar voice' you can ignore me if you want, but there are a lot of people you introduce here. Either save them for later of come up with different lines. We obvisouly know that they are familiar to her they are her 'friends'
~~~~~~~~~
“It’s not our fault you’re like this; it’s your dad’s.”

No semi colon here. Either take it out and replace it with a period or comma.
~~~~~~~~~
“No.” Brian mumbled.

“Yes.” Brian mumbled.

Jeeze, i know guys mumble a lot, but try something else instead of repeating yourself. Like muttered. Or actaully say 'Mumbled again.'
~~~~~~~~~
I noticed I finally moved and the pain started to come again and worse. I screamed in pain. The pain shot though my veins.

This is good. You say pain a lot. I think 'I screamed in agoney' helps break that up.
~~~~~~~~
“Relax Sky.” Brian said

'Relax, Sky.'
~~~~~~~~
“Stop the pain NOW!” I yelled at them.

I realize she's in pain, it's obvious, but I think if you put things like this in italics instead of caps, the reader can get the feel that shes like clentching her teeth so that she doesn't rip their heads off. You know what I mean?
~~~~~~~~
“It’s not my fault she’s annoying and stupid.” Tucker mumbled. “TUCKER,” Meghan yelled at him and slapped him on his arm.

Okay, to stop any confusion, if two people are talking just make sure you seperate the paragraphs.
~~~~~~~~
“Wow.” I said.

"Wow," I said.
~~~~~~~~
“Yeah and you should’ve seen how we looked both after.” Meghan said while laughing.

I think this got a little jumbled. Something like Yeah, you should've seen how we both looked afterwards. makes more sense here.
~~~~~~~~
Brian came back with the ice and filled the buckets with them.

Okay, I don't know about you, but I have weak arms. I wouldn't be able to carry buckets filled with water without struggleing. If you want to paint us the picture that Brian is all strong and buff, tell us that.
~~~~~~~
“I’m staying.” Brian said.

"I'm staying," Brian said.
~~~~~~~~
I just said I didn’t want to hurt anybody.

I just said I didn't want to hurt anybody.
~~~~~~~
“I feel like you just staying here I could lash out on you. I don’t want to kill you Brian.”

Did you mean I feel like with you just staying here... Or something else?? I'm confused.
~~~~~~~



WoOO!! Okay, so not as many mistakes this time. Which is a good thing. Some small-minor things to work on.

Plot was good. I was really intriuged here and can't wait to see more.
Obviously there's something going on between Sky and Brian...good...I'm a huge romance nut!!!! I'm feeling some drama coming along with Tucker...thats just the feel I get with him. If I'm wrong do ignore me.

Also, if I make any comments that you disagree with, just ignore me. I'm just trying to help but you may like it the way it is...which is deffinitly okay.

Can't wait to see more!!!!

--Jasmine





A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost