There are thirteen reason why
i slowly die inside
One is my true feelings don't show
they hide
Two is i want you
but i don't want to cry
Three is I'm a mystery
&+ my past doesn't become history
Four is i swore to never let go
but i had to, to let you grow
Five is i have a drive
to come back alive
Six is i was tricked
&+ i got picked
Seven is i won't go to heaven
cause of how i am sour like lemons
Eight is i don't believe in fate
i believe it's bait
Nine is I'm not fine
my insides are twisted inside
Ten is my blood is like pen
it looses ink now & then
Eleven is I'm use to faking
my world is shaking
Twelve is I'm in love
but I'm undreamed of
Thirteen is the big one, the last one of these
my fears i can't out run &+ my lies start to become undone...
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140,866 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I think the basic premise of what your trying to do is just fine, but I think you muddled the execution. The first few verses were endurable, but the part about lemons just a little bit made me "die inside." I think that maybe you should try taking the individual verses and what your trying to convey and dash the rhyming and make it a prosish sorta poem. But hey, do what you want.
I'm sorry that you're getting so many mixed messages, and unfortunately my comment will only add to the diversity. This poem had a similar "list" structure to another poem, "Thirteen Blackbirds" by Wallace Stevens.
This was dripping with cliches and awkwardness, as some of the other reviewers above have noted. There are one or two lines worth keeping (mainly because they actually sound original), but honestly this needs a lot of work. I'm not entirely sure what to make of "&+", except that if it is supposed to be read as "andplus", it creates an imbalanced meter.
I agree with Galerius that the pen/arm/blood line has potential, but needs work. Also the undreamed/ love line is the same; both could be really interesting and unexpected, so don't leave them to wallow in clumsy wording. Play around with the syntax a bit. I think the important thing is to cut away excess word choice. Watch out for the little words, especially.
The poem has a chance to be something decent, but I heavily recommend that you pull out some shears. (Don't worry, I'm guilty of cramming too many into my verses– but trust me, it's better to have too few, rather than too many!)
Well, I think that's about it. See you around.
Cheers,
–antimelrose
This is my favourite line.
I think that you could've used some better words, But over all I thought it was AMAZING
P.S: Could you PM me when you write something new?
Now that I think about it, it does sound quite awkward, as does the line about lemons.
For this line, however, it can be fixed by adding a word or two.
Sort of like this: Twelve is that I'm madly in love, But I seem to be undreamed of.
See the difference?
I think this is a good poem written by a creative mind of yours!! How you portray and describe your "reasons" are all nice. But kindly look at those repeated meanings that you are writing. Also, I like how you rhyme at the end of the words.
"Run" and "undone" seems not to be in a good rhyme.
Sure the last part was interesting but it would have been nice if you placed a better rhyme into it because I think that's how you wrote the "concept" of your poem.
but don't worry, it's nice and very emotional!
This was really good! A few of the lines broke the rythym at first, but after you kept reading they all sort of clicked!
Very creative work, and I can totally relate!
You can tell your emotions were driving this, and I loved that!
Hey pshhxhoney!
Okay I believe this poem has great potential and the rhymes are great! There is one nitpick though. Well, the rhythm of the poem is..hmmm...awkward? If you added a couple of words to some of your rhymes, the flow would be much better.
For example:
It sounds so awkward. Maybe it's just me but anyways I liked it!
Hope it helped,
yuprincess
i didn't really like it. i've read so much poetry that sounds just like this so i didn't get any feeling of originality. it sounded like you wrote from your heart, but it just didn't connect with mine, sorry.
i really didn't get what that meant.
that didn't make any sense either...
these lines don't sound good, and sound worse paired together.
'the big one'? seriously? could you use a less descriptive word than big? and please, if you're going to write, don't use symbols. it makes me nauseous.
so pretty much i thought all of this was jibjab and poor writing. if you call &+</3 writing. keep trying.
I love your poem! It implys its genre beautifuly unlike others- very dramatic! I like your way of words- very different than most, You surley have talent! Keep on writing!!
And please reveiw my romantic fiction story, A new home, A new love! I would love it!!
Ok, I did like this sorta. It needs work.
First of all the punctuation, and capitalization is all wrong. When you read things in a book do you want to read all kinds of abbreviations and such? NO! So fix that and it would be easier to read.
Second the rhyming is really forced like they said above.
Third on the line with "Ten is my blood is like pen" well wouldn't that be your arm? Not your blood. Your body can loose blood not your blood itself. I may be wrong on that correct me if I am.
Anyway I do like this with a little work.
Keep Writing
-Flower-
Firstly I am sorry to say this poem wasn't really for me.
The main problem i can see is that you were trying so hard to make it rhyme some of the lines make no sense at all. For example:
It sort of make a little sense but doesnt sound right.
I also dont like the way it has no real structure. Each couplet is a different number of syllables on each line and so it doesnt flow very well.
The last line, after all your strange attempts to make the rest of the poem rhyme, doesnt rhyme. I thought that was weird! lol.
I you fixed this poem a little it could be half decent.
Hope i helped.
Dan
This a good poem, with nice voice and passion. I'm really glad that you used poetry to get your feelings out. I like how you use a list, I haven't seen a poem in a list form.
keep writing
Hey.
Okay, first, punctuation and proper capitalization would certainly help here. 'i' for example should be 'I'. Punctuation will greatly improve the flow of this poem.
I suggest that instead of forcing everything to rhyme. Use the right words. Use the real comparisons for the things you feel. Don't force a rhyme where the words don't really match your idea.
Anyway, work on the good concepts you have here. Good luck and keep writing.
--Knightly
I disagree. I don't think it is worthless at all. I think its really good. Yes, it needs some work, but over all... I loved it. You show great voice and emotion by the come and go of your words. Just try to use a greater veriety. Nice work. I'd buy it.
Hi pshhxhoney,
The phrasing as well as the concept of "slowly dying inside" has been overused to the point of death ironically, no less by emo teenagers who can't write. I have the bad feeling that this poem is going to display the worldview of one. In any case, get rid of that last part and replace it with a phrase that is your own, not something out of the emo pocketbook.
Yes, if they don't show, they generally hide. Don't repeat unnecessarily unless your main theme has to do with the repetition specifically.
I'm done with giving this a line-by-line critique. This entire piece is a flop, a useless and sadly humorous attempt at showing darkness while falling into the pit of typical teenage blathering. The only couplet that I did think was worth keeping (although it too would need to be modified) is:
but the rest is worthless. The sour lemon part had me almost stop reading right there, because it was clear how you slaved to the rhyme without bothering about the content and presentation itself. Poetry is as much about delivery and representation as it is about expression. You may be sad, but why would the reader care that you are sad? The only way to achieve this is by relating to the reader - not simply saying that you died inside, but using charged language designed to create an image, or images, in the reader's mind. A more translucent flow of description is what's generally needed in a poem that conveys a message as this one did.
Overall, except for the couplet I mentioned earlier, I did not enjoy reading it. Kill this sorry thing and work on something else.
I think this was great. I love lists of any kind but when it is poetry that makes it so much better. I think some of your word choices could've been better but you can tell it was passionately written. Good Job!