He was dancing with his eyes closed;
He was always hiding behind the pavements;
People will never understand his secrets;
Behind the afternoon laugh;
was the sorrow hiding within;
He created his path dark and Glum;
but with He's s hope, he may pass the endless journey;
I wondered how many tears dropped off his face?
He's cheeks are pale and sad;
How will the uncanny lady addressed his bizarre affection?
But after midnight, He'll change back to his devastating skin;
Sour and hopeless;
Her hands could've damaged his sensitivity;
but why serendipity destroyed every morning that may pass?
Am I too late, I do not want to bid farewell;
Please do not give up;
Even if the doors hath closed;
Please do not look back;
Please continue walking;
this ol' lad, yes [ME] I'm always waiting;
watching the clock change its face;
Waiting and humming the same tune we made;
I might lose this voice;
Hey, Onii-Chan here!
Great poem! One thing was that I was a bit confused on what it was about...? I later understood though. Great poem about someone who worries about someone who seems depressed. I love the story it tells. The flow of the poem is outstanding! I am looking forward to reviewing more of your work!
Hey! Well, wasn't this a chipper piece of poetry? Let's jump right in, shall we?
Technical Commentary:
1. So I know the rules of grammar are flexible in poetry, but there are a few things going on in here that are generally considered wrong enough that they interfere somewhat with reading and interpretation. Those are: an issue with the possessive pronoun in line 9, verb tense disagreements in lines 10 and 14, and punctuation in line 15, and that awkward capitalized 'glum' in line 6.
2. Additionally, the verb tenses in this piece are just all over the place. You keep switching between past, present, and future tense, and then between the perfect and imperfects of those, and while it is perfectly within your jurisdiction to do so, all that switching around hurts the flow and coherence of the piece.
3. I'm curious about why you chose to use semicolons at the end of each line. A good majority of them don't actually fit in grammatically, so did you just use them as a kind of line breaker?
4. I feel like you have a good grasp on like, broad metaphor, but I'd like to see some language that appeals to the senses as well. I find that descriptors tend to strengthen the poetic devices and hidden messages going on.
Content, Themes, and Misc. Items:
1. I think the last two lines in this piece are the strongest. They offer the most complex information about the narrator's headspace in regards to this other entity, as well as put the whole piece into perspective regarding what happened and how long ago. It's interesting that you chose to not use an end punctuation mark (semicolons are not for ends), since that implies a kind of mystery about what else is going on.
2. The piece has a solid beginning-middle-end structure, with just enough ambiguity at the end to leave room for interpretation. Nice job.
I'll admit right now that this really isn't the style of poetry I usually review, but I enjoyed it! Good job!
-Vento
120,360 Literary Works • 649,583 Reviews
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