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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Hi! probablynot..
Through your description, I was able to picture the setting and your characters. Their movements and feelings. Their emotions, especially on the lady's part.. the pain she felt, after being denied. Though, there is/are reasons for that.
Anyways, the flow of the lines go together smoothly and it is nice..
Keep going..
ll
U
probablynot,
Overall, this was a very nice, quaint piece. The imagery was nice and so was the diction. I don't know if I would necessarily file it under "poetry" though... It came across to me as more prose-y than poetry. But that's just me. Now, there are a few nit-picky things I would like to mention. (And, no, don't worry, they're not bad.)
"The six of us ran and slid downhill, scraping the soles of our shoes on the clear layer of glass."
Here, I would like to see a different word used than "glass." I had to read this sentence a few times before I came to this conclusion. My reasoning behind this comment is that scraping soles of shoes on glass doesn't make all that much sense. I know you were trying to use a word other than "ice," but glass doesn't fit here in this situation.
"I lag behind, struggling to make it up a hill, and under a street light I see the glassy road still,"
In the beginning of this stanza, you switch to a different tense than used in previous ones and then proceed to go back to past tense. Just make sure to stick with one.
Once again, I enjoyed reading this. It wasn't too long and wasn't too short. Very good. Bravo!
Hello, my name is Kyla I'm here leaving you a review.
I don't know who wrote this, but it is very good! I'm very inspired right now to read more poems and this one is very inspirational. I think that even though it is sad at the end, I do like how it was strong the whole way through. You had somewhere to go with it, and you reached your point very well.