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E - Everyone

(old) Atana: Chapter 8

by Charm


A couple days past by, days that Novah would spend in the hospital ward with Calix talking about their pasts, telling stories, playing games and just simply laughing. While Seiko distanced herself from them and more obviously Novah, spending the days with Reah and Elijah in the labs and garden.

Novah tried to not let it bother her but she could feel Calix was bothered to. They were in a middle of a game of cards when she stopped and asked him, “How are you feeling?”

Calix sighed and replied, “I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just not really―I feel like there is an awkwardness between everyone. We all used to be one group but now were separated―”

“Because of me,” Novah frowned.

Calix smiled and reassured her, “No, that’s not it. I think we all angry at each other over little things.”

“For example, I don’t like how Seiko acts when I spend time with you.”

“Yeah, I don’t either,” Novah sighed.

“And I also don’t like how Reah hasn’t visited me at all. Especially with that new guy, Elijah.”

Novah nodded and looked behind her as she heard the curtain zip open. A man with black hair and lab coat on smiled at her, before looking at Calix.

“Evening, Calix,” the doctor greeted, “Good news,”

“Yeah?” Calix replied excitedly, looking over at Novah who smiled at him.

“Your recovery is going a lot better than we expected, you’ll be able to leave the ward tomorrow.”

“You’re kidding?” Calix laughed.

“Nope, I’m not. Anyway try and stay healthy and everything will go as planned,” the doctor winked, “Have a nice day, you too.” and left.

“Oh my god!” Novah gapped, “Calix, that’s amazing.”

Calix laughed in disbelief and excitement, “Ah! I don’t even know what to say.”

Novah just continued to smile and giggle with him, but then the Atana announced the end of visiting hours.

“Well, see you tomorrow,” Novah got up from her chair, “I’ll come in the morning and we’ll go to breakfast together.”

“No, tomorrow I’ll come to you,” Calix grinned.

“Okay,” Novah laughed, “Sleep well.”

“You too,” he replied and Novah left the ward.

***

Novah walked with her arms crossed and her mind filled with petulant thoughts. It was funny to think how in only a matter of weeks she’d found herself losing sleep over her new friends. Perhaps it wasn’t that she felt like they hated her, but more she felt like she was the problem.

She didn’t pay much attention to where she was going. Novah just started at her feets as they walked on snow white flooring.

Until, “Uh,” a grunt came out of nowhere along with a collusion. Novah looked up to see a blond tall young man, Elijah.

She swallowed as her face started to flush. “Oh...um...sorry,” Novah managed to mumble out before scurrying away. At first she was going to go to the garden, but that only made her think of her meeting Seiko. But then, the planet room wasn’t a good place either, and the cafeteria…

No matter how big the ship was there never seemed to be much space in it for Novah. So she decided to go to her room instead, the one place that was meant for her.


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1080 Reviews


Points: 125
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Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:18 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

Rather short chapter, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but let's jump fright into it. I enjoy seeing the name Novah as it's something unique and I don't think I've seen it used before, it is quite the odd name. I wanted to note that the starting sentence with "A couple days past by" should have "passed" instead of "past". We see that you skip over the first part with a summary and I honestly wouldn't mind seeing it in the form of a scene so that you can flesh out more of the characters, but it's really your choice on that.

I would have liked to see more than just dialogue in the first half of the chapter. Descriptions of the atmosphere is something that I think would help flesh it out as well as you making your characters more than just talking heads, which brings me to my next point. Body language is something that's crucial when it comes to communication and at the same time something that's constantly undermined.

I felt that in this chapter and it tends to give a lot of more personality and more of a realistic feel to all of your characters if you do this. I liked how calm the chapter was but at the same time there wasn't really a whole lot going on with this? The pacing is something that I had trouble with because it feels fragmented going in and out and with the time skip that you have near the end of the chapter and I think it could be more balanced in this way. I enjoyed the characters that you had so props to you on that and I realize this is old Atana so it may not be as edited.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:35 pm
Aleta wrote a review...



Hey Marmalade! I know this is really old and you do not write like this now but since it has no reviews I will review it anyway because Team Snow is slowly dying off and we need to save ourselves.

Corrections
~
A couple days past by, days that Novah would spend in the hospital ward with Calix talking about their pasts, telling stories, playing games and just simply laughing.
C: A couple days passed. Important days. The days that Novah would spend in the hospital ward with Calix talking about their pasts, telling stories, and playing unworried games.


Novah tried to not let it bother her but she could feel Calix was bothered to. They were in a middle of a game of cards when she stopped and asked him, “How are you feeling?”

C: Novah tried to not let it bother her, but she could sense that Calix was bothered too.(add a comma after bother her, an extra o on too)

I feel like there is an awkwardness between everyone. We all used to be one group but now were separated―”
C: *we are all separated

No, that’s not it. I think we all angry
C: We all are angry

Novah nodded and looked behind her as she heard the curtain zip open.
C: The way that it is said that the curtain zips open reminds me of a zipper, not a curtain. Different word choice would be needed here.

Have a nice day, you too.” and left.
C: you two

feets
c: feet





That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee