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Young Writers Society



Greeting Birthday From Him

by pricklyash1411


So many things happened between us back and then. From the very first time we met, till now. I remembered the very first time I notice your existance, you wear that green and brown tartan shirt. Fast forwarda little when we started to get to know each other. We were sitting next to each other. Laughing for silly simple things. After that we really close. I shared my feelings and thoughts with you, something that I rarely did. But just like a regular relationship we’re not that close in a moment. The most depressing moment when I found out that you leave this city and start over your college time in another city. I was broken. Lose one of the precious and important person in my life. I tried to calm my heart down, and accepted the reality. We were close again back then. A few months ago, I’m having an argument with you, which lead another fight. I mad because you made mistake. But that didn’t mean I didn’t made that either. I know I made mistakes. We both make mistakes. I’m sorry for every mistakes, for every hurtful words, ever come from me. I hope you can live your life happily. Thank you for, not just this message , but for everything...... 

Mr. Rido Anshari Azmi.

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1162 Reviews

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Sun May 27, 2018 4:18 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hey pricklyash! Welcome to the site! :D

This is obviously a very personal piece, so kudos to you for deciding to post it! Like what Cadi already said, my main thought after reading this is that I want to know more and I think you could expand it! I think it would be cool if some of the things you mention here were expanded into their own paragraphs. For example:

I remembered the very first time I notice your existance, you wear that green and brown tartan shirt.

This could be its own paragraph (or a few paragraphs) where you really show what the experience was like for the narrator to see this person. Where were they? What were they doing? What stood out about this person? How did it make the narrator feel? What happened during that initial experience?

Fast forwarda little when we started to get to know each other. We were sitting next to each other. Laughing for silly simple things.

I love the simplicity of these memories you shared. If you expanded this into its own paragraph you could show where they are, what they're doing together, how they're connecting and getting to know one another.

[quote
The most depressing moment when I found out that you leave this city and start over your college time in another city. I was broken. Lose one of the precious and important person in my life. I tried to calm my heart down, and accepted the reality.[/quote]
This could be its own paragraph too. I thought this was a really powerful part to show how much this person means to the narrator and what the impact this person has had on the narrator.

Overall, I can tell this was a piece that came from your heart and I appreciate that you decided to share it with us! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention! :D




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Tue May 15, 2018 6:03 pm
Cadi wrote a review...



Hi pricklyash!

This is quite a sweet, short piece. I definitely get a good sense of the feelings you're aiming to get across with this - namely, grief for a relationship with someone who was really special, but who isn't in your life anymore. I'm sure we've all had people like that, who leave us sooner than we'd like, for all kinds of reasons.

I like the little details you have in this piece - like the green & brown tartan shirt. Little specifics like that really help make the piece feel more real.

On a spelling/grammatical level, you've got a few typos in this piece ("forwarda" for "forward a", "existance" for "existence" - little things like that). Probably the easiest way to catch these is to run your work through a spell-checker before you post it - I won't go through and nit-pick them all! You also jump about between past and present tense verbs quite a lot ("so many things happened", but also "you wear that green and brown shirt"), which is a little confusing, so you might want to check through that!

The big thing I think I'd suggest for improving this piece is expanding it! As I said, this is a good short piece, which gets across the feeling of loss, but I think it could be even better if it were a bit longer, and pulled in even more of those specific details that really ground it in reality. What were the mistakes that were made? What silly, simple things did you laugh about? Where were you when you found out about the move for college - did you hear about it over the phone, or while eating dinner? and so on.

Overall, nice work. I hope this review helps, and keep up the writing!

Cadi x





I say Wolf, for all wolves are not of the same sort; there is one kind with an amenable disposition – neither noisy, nor hateful, nor angry, but tame, obliging and gentle, following the young maids in the streets, even into their homes. Alas! Who does not know that these gentle wolves are of all such creatures the most dangerous!
— Charles Perrault