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The thing about life

by preusspre18


Life

Life is a funny thing when we’re growing up we wish we were adults w

When were adults we wish we were kids

When were young we want responsibilities

When were adults we wish we had the freedoms of a child

See the thing is whenever we have we want that’s how life is it’s a trap that crushes hope out of

Your lungs until you’re trapped with wants and what could have been

We say to ourselves if we would have taken that risk if only we would have leaped for that thing

that within our grasp we could have changed our life and the world

But I have news it’s never too late to take that chance just put one foot in front of the other

That’s how people each their dreams and occasionally the stars


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594 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 594

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Sun Jun 28, 2015 3:08 am
fortis wrote a review...



Hello!
I really liked the sentiments in this poem. they're very honest and truthful. I think this is an idea that we've all pondered, and while that might mean it's a little cliche (yeah, it might be), I still like it, because it's one of those thoughts that make us all human.

You have some grammatical difficulties in this that are rather distracting.
For instance:
You start several lines with "When were...," but you need a subject in there. You should say: "When we were..."
Also, there is a random w tacked onto the second (I don't know if "life" counts as a line or not) line.

"whenever we have we want"
This should say one of two things:
either, #1 : "whenever we have what we want" And then it appears that you never finish the thought.
Or, #2 : You just really need some punctuation here, "whenever we have, we want. That's how..."

I'd just like to let you know that you don't have to capitalize every line of a poem. I tend to capitalize only when grammar calls for it, or not at all.

I think this poem could really, really use punctuation. It would make your thoughts so much clearer and the poem so much more enjoyable. Without punctuation, the audience never knows when to pause, and without punctuation, your meanings change and it all gets very messy. Take my advice: use punctuation in this poem.

"that's how people each their dreams"
This should say "that's how people reach their dreams"

I hope this helps! Keep writing!
~fort




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414 Reviews


Points: 525
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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:37 am
Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, Preusspre18! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!

Cool, you're new here, so welcome to YWS! My name is Strange, and if you do decide to stay longer, you'll be seeing a bit of me. To be frank, I wasnt a big fan of this poem. I would say that poetry needs some off the wall thinking and delivery. Even poetry about simple subjects, if it has great delivery, it's good. This felt tame, and I couldn't get into it. Let's jump in, shall we?

The major problem is the theme. You talk about regrets and what we think in life. That is used so much in poetry it's like reading the same poem over and over, which gets ridiculous. You talk about points that are commonly used and it brings nothing spicy to the table. You ought to have spice to impress. It's just the same thing.

You also have no punctuation at all in your poem, which is cool, because most poems don't have poetry. I can't criticize you on that. However, punctuation would help this poem a lot. The poem basically looks like a big run on sentence that gets exhausting after a while. It makes people lose attention which is no good at all. In a sense, it puts you on a flat platform that is hard to get off of.

Also, this needs so much commas. When you talk too fast in a run on sentence, your mouth starts watering and you need a breath, right? This is the equivalent. Always treat poetry like you are talking, so it comes off as casual and more bright. Commas tell us when to pause, change tone of the wording, and all that. Your last two lines are just major stabs to the eyeballs because of this. It makes no sense.

This can be much better, as every poem has potential. Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!




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Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:51 am
Jay97stins wrote a review...



I enjoyed the idea of how in life you want what you kind have like "when were adults we wish we were kids". I also like the hope in the poem "it's never too late to take that chance". It shows that no matter what age you are you can always make a change. This could potentially inspire the reader to make a change and realize it's not too late. I can relate to lines 8 and 9. There are any times where there was a risk I could have taken to change my life for the better, but I didn't.
However, there are some small errors that I have spotted. I feel like you have missed out on some punctuation. For example, there should be a comma between "thing" and "when" on the second line, as well as others. There is a random "w" at the end of line 2 and i'm not sure if it has a purpose. Finally, on the last line you have put "each" when maybe you should have put "reach". I think you just need to proof read your poems just to alter any small mistakes.
Apart from a few, minor mistake, I did enjoy the poem and the general idea of it. Keep it up.





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