Young Writers Society

Heya Pretzelsing! Here for the last Review Day Review!

I like this poem because it reminds me of writing (I think it can apply).

When you feel that no one likes what you do, and you stop. But when something reminds you of it, when you discover it again, you find the importance of it, and why you should never stop.

Finding your gift is hard, but you should never give up!

But then something magical happened,

A familiar song started playing on the radio,

I felt alive,

My voice was bursting with anticipation,

Like my soul was risen among the dead.

I really like this bit.

You should write more narrative poetry!

Cheers!
-Lore

Note: this is one of my entries for the Big Review. Hope you enjoy!

Introduction:

Hey there, Pretzelsing. I can't wait to review this poem. If you don't mind, in this review I'm going to be focusing more on phrasing than anything else. I love your content and ideas, and I feel that this poem doesn't really have a weak area--it's just the little things, here and there.

As always, keep in mind that--seeing as this is poetry--all of my suggestions are just that... suggestions. You can completely disregard everything I've said here.

Apologies if this review is overly harsh. I rant quite a bit. ;P

Ready? Set? Go!

Line-by-Line Analysis:

Singing was embedded in a part of my soul.

This is a beautiful first line, but I'm wondering if you could cut down a bit on your phrasing here. Instead of "embedded in a part of my soul", I would go for a simpler, more evocative version of that sentence. For instance--off the top of my head--something like, "Singing was always a part of my soul". Although "embedded" is a nice word, it doesn't really seem so to fit here.

With my whole heart I would open my mouth in notes.

I'd suggest more of a visual here. Maybe the notes could do something--"pour out" of your mouth, for instance, or "dribble to the floor". Either way, you're beginning to paint a picture here, but I think to really complete it, you can personify the notes. Because (as you mean in this poem) the music isn't something you control, it's got a life of its own. You may create it, but it's as alive as you are. And I think this is a really great opportunity to communicate that fact.

It calmed me and made me smile.

This line--combined with the personification of the music I spoke about before, could be a brilliant tether back to reality. We know the notes are important, but their physical effects are really necessary and beautiful here. The one idea I'd have for you is to use a stronger adjective or two here. "Calmed me" is a nice phrase, but I feel like if you replaced it with a more descriptive phrase, like "soothed me", you could really go far with this line.

My passion and life goal.

Although I like this sentence, it breaks up the flow for two reasons.

(1) Its syllables and "beat" are a bit off. Until now, your rhythm/voice has been a flowing one, moving like the wind does. But this is a harsh stop semantics-wise, and it seems awkward in the mind of the reader.

(2) Its content is slightly strange. So far, it's been a very artistic, flexible poem, but talking about "life goals" makes the reader stop and stare for a second. All of a sudden, your beautiful poetry sounds more like a monologue than what it is--lovely and inspiring and evocative.

My parents hated my singing ,

Ah, so you're going for a narrative-focused approach here. Awesome. However, my advice from the preceding line still stands. Make sure that your narrator isn't using this story monologue, but instead as a supplement for your lesson--freedom of voice. What I mean is, it's a beautiful tale... but it's a bit awkward for the story to (halfway through) become a story, especially because it clutters up an uplifting and elegant piece. So keep the story in, by all means, but remember to weave your voice as a writer through the silk of the narrative.

They didn't let me cry out my song

The words "cry out" here give me a very different sound than what I was hearing before--an uplifting melody. This change in pace is a bit disarming and doesn't make me, as a reader, sympathize/empathize with the narrator at all. In fact, it makes the words feel a bit awkward.

When I started to hum along they would stop me.

Along to what? It seems there was a detail left out here, and I would love to close that gap by just omitting the word "along" altogether.

They killed me inside and tore my heart apart to pieces,

I love, love, love this image. Finally, you draw on that well of metaphor that I so admire. I'll just make two small suggestions:

(1) The phrase "killed me inside" is a bit awkward. I'd actually try removing it, in favor of your other beautiful metaphor.

(2) "Apart to pieces" is redundant (the word "apart" is not necessary in this context). I'd try just changing it to "They tore my heart to pieces" or "They tore my heart apart". (I'm rooting for the former, because it doesn't have the awkward rhyme of "heart" and "apart". But whatever you want to do!

Until I was left with no music in my soul.
Day after day, I felt empty and lost.

This is a powerful two line combination. Excellent job. And if you want to really take it to the next level, you can use an even stronger phrase, though, like "my soul devoid of music". (I don't know--that just the first one that comes to mind. )

My tears fell, and could not stop raining down.

Brilliant, but I'd try an even more sudden adjustment. For instance:

"I cried,
my tears fell, and
they just wouldn't stop"

Or something. You could even make it like the halting speech of a mourner with a couple of simple formatting changes.

"I cried -
my tears fell, and
they just
wouldn't
stop"

With those two arrangements, you can communicate the hopelessness that the situation warrants and raw sorrow of the narrator. See, the second one looks physically like something collapsing to the ground--its bottom lines lose syllables until it's just one word... "stop".

On Sundays, my parents would make me sing,

At church, to music that I didn't like.

This is an interesting piece to the story, but there's one phrase that gets me. Up until now, the narrator has seemed like a sorrowful but mature person. But the phrase "to music I didn't like" makes him/her sound quite juvenile, like s/he's whining. This is a stark contrast to the complex and beautiful narrative you've set up in the earlier lines.

A deep sadness and a hole was placed in my soul,

Short idea: "placed" could be replaced with a stronger word here. I'd try something like "drilled".

And I realized I was never the same person again.

This is a bit of an awkward line. Did you mean "and I realized I could never be the same person again"? I don't think so... but you know best. I don't want to make a comment on a line I don't understand, so I'll just progress to the next line. I'm sure this is a really awesome idea, though I don't fully grasp its meaning in this context.

Shaking my head with the weight of my regret,

I'd love a stronger response here. It doesn't need to be literal... maybe you metaphorically lie on the ground and weep. Maybe you metaphorically kneel and bow your head. Maybe you metaphorically collapse.

But anyway, I'd love to see some of that Pretzelsing magic that I've seen in other pieces. Really make us, the readers, care about the narrator's feelings and make us, the readers, care about their hardship.

I couldn't bear to stand it anymore.

You seem to have combined two sayings here: "I couldn't bear it anymore" and "I couldn't stand it anymore". Maybe this was purposeful... but it's also confusing. I'd try just choosing one.

A familiar song started playing on the radio,

I love this idea. It's so, so beautiful and so, so simple. This is what I've really been waiting for--that smooth transition from one idea (and one life) to another. Bravo, Pretzelsing! Bravo!

I felt alive,

My voice was bursting with anticipation,

Like my soul was risen among the dead.

This simile is amazing, and also a really great chance for me to bring up a point that I've wanted to bring up...

Okay, so this is a really raw and open poem. That's its true beauty. But the fact that you've put this in past tense ruins that beauty a bit by making it feel like you're distancing yourself from the issue. And you never want that to happen in such a complex and wonderful piece like this. So I'd suggest bringing it to the present tense. Remove all barriers between your readers and the world. Make them experience the wind on their skin and the way it rips open old sores. Make them feel the aching in your bones and the joy in your eyes. Make them feel the fragility of Earth and also its power.

Make them feel it all. I know you can do it. You're Pretzelsing!

Okay... now to finish up... I'm going to do a summary of my comments for these final lines.

And fell in love once again with my naturally-born talent.

To this day I've never stopped singing.

It's woven in my soul forever,

The miracle of my song.

I love this ending. It's strong and powerful and evocative. I'd just love to comment on one thing: "naturally-born talent" sounds a bit awkward in this phrase. Maybe you could change the line to something like "and fell in love / once again / with my voice and the voices of the world".

Now I'm just speculating, though. You really do have an amazing talent for writing.

Resources:

- The Write Practice is an awesome resource for this stuff, and it's got an article that every poet should read.
Link: http://thewritepractice.com/evoke-emotions/

- From powerpoetry.org, a bit about narrative poems...
Link: http://www.powerpoetry.org/actions/how- ... ative-poem

- And, finally, again from Power Poetry...
Link: http://www.powerpoetry.org/actions/7-ti ... -metaphors

Keep writing, and--as we say in my hometown--don't forget to be awesome.

IronSpark

Salutations pretzelsing,
Let's get right to it.

My passion and life pursuit goal.

Life pursuit and life goal are the same thing; this is redundant. It would still rhyme and get across what you wanted if you just omitted pursuit. So:

My passion and life pursuit goal

And they didn't let me cry out my song

The "and" here makes the sentence clunky and it is really unnecessary. Just a tip: Oftentimes, words such as "and, so, then" at the beginning of lines in poetry are wholly unneeded. Just take a quick look at poetry you write and make sure those words and others like them are really needed in order to make the poem flow and get your message across.

A deep sadness and a missing hole was placed in my soul,

This line does not need missing. I'm seeing a lot of redundancy/double negatives in this poem, such as "missing hole" (does that mean the hole in your soul was missing? It doesn't make sense). I understand what you're trying to say here, but they way you worded it does not get that across.

I couldn't bare bear to stand it anymore.

Then, than; there, they're, their; bare, bear. Please nail down the correct versions--you're a writer!

And then I felt alive,

Again; unnecessary "and then". We understand that singing along to this song on the radio is suddenly lifting your spirits. We don't need the "and then." Just leaving it as:
"I felt alive," works perfectly well; better.

And fell in love once again with my naturally-born talent.

Alrighty, "naturally-born talent?" Couldn't you have made yourself sound a leetle less vain? xD JK. Seriously, though, I think there are things you could have put in here to describe your voice....even the word voice would have been better. "Naturally-born talent" makes you sound a little vain. I'm sure you're a marvelous singer, but you want to get that across to us how you've been doing before (descriptions, emotions, etc.) not by saying, "Hey, guys, I'm a great singer, suck it." (Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but you get what I mean.)

To this day I never stopped singing.

*I've

It's woven to my soul forever,

Perhaps woven IN my soul would work a little better? I know, for me, it provides more forgiving imagery, but that might just be me personally.

All in all, very simple, nice poem! I like how you kept with the repetitiveness of incorporating soul into your poem, which made me feel as if this poem came straight from your heart, or should I say, soul. (Ha. Ha.) As I made pretty clear above, I felt as if this could use some touching up. However, this poem also has some great literary elements in it, such as emotion, descriptions, metaphors (I really loved the metaphors in here, but I do feel you could have used even more to further enhance this art) even some imagery in there. Great job!
Overall rating: 6.5/10
Keep writing!
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