A sharp beeping startles me awake. Acting from long practice, I throw the blanket off, swinging my legs out of the bed before my eyes are even completely open. Muttering a curse, I reach down for my shoes with one hand, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes with the other.
“Alright, Nyx,” I say, pushing my hair out of my face halfheartedly. I turn my head towards the small little black speck set in the middle of the wall. “I’m up. Turn off the blasted alarm.”
There’s a sharp noise that makes my ears ring, and it shuts off. I can almost hear Nyx laughing. He denies that he leaves it on that long on purpose, but the rules clearly state that it can only be used when to wake up the agents. You are supposed to shut it off immediately after they wake up. He never does. I always have to tell him.
Nyx is fond of using it whenever. Mostly when I am trying to sleep. Naturally, I am always returning the favor. It’s the sort of under action that keeps life almost bearable. Almost.
Slipping on my shoes, really just black socks with a little padding on the bottom, I stand. Swinging my arms around to help the tension in my shoulders, I sweep my gaze across the small area with the vent in the top. Hardly big enough to contain the bed and myself.
The reflective surface of the glass gives the impression that the room goes on forever. Multiple women going on forever in both directions. Turning my attention away from the size of the room, I study my reflection in the glass walls.
The woman staring back at me still carries the appearance of a teen. Smooth skin, with a faint touch of color in her cheeks, though the rest of her is as white as a sheet. Comes from spending years underground, I think bitterly. It didn’t used to be like that. Not when I was young.
Swatting the thought aside, as one does with a fly, I move my gaze upwards. Focusing on my eyes.
Dark brown. Pools of chocolate, or mud, as Nyx so unromantically termed them. They used to be beautiful, a contrast that brought out the richness of my hair. They ceased to be so long ago. Now they are mirrors of the rotten soul behind them.
Setting one hand on my hip, I look down at my body. At my figure. At the age of thirty four, there should be a little fat. No one keeps the perfect figure of an eighteen year old for this long. No one, that is, except Chimera agents.
I still have the perfect waist, the limber muscles. Very little has changed since they gave me the drug. Since they injected the anti-aging chemical into my body. If someone was too compare a picture of me just before I joined to one of me now, the only difference they would be able to find would be a trace of bitterness in my face that wasn’t there before.
“Phoenix,” Nyx says, his tone bored as it comes through the speaker in the wall. “If you are done staring at yourself in the mirror, you have an assignment.”
“Sorry, Nyx,” I reply automatically. “Just wondering what exactly they did to my body when they first dragged me into this hellhole.” I turn back to the glass.
His sigh crackles, coming out as static. “Still? I thought you were over that a while ago.”
“Of course not,” I say, lightly. “You know, they still have me under surveillance for it.” I shrug, then frown as the rest of his comment hits me. “What assignment?”
“I don’t know,” he says, distractedly. “Your stupid computer keeps beeping.” He pauses, waiting expectantly. “Well? Are you going to come on over and shut it up?”
“I would,” I say, patiently. “Except, you won’t open the door.” A muffled curse, along with a bitter comment about mouthy females echoes through the room.
Throwing a mocking smile in the camera’s direction, I watch the door, darting through the gap in the glass the moment it is wide enough to fit through. Despite my apparent disregard with Nyx, I can’t help but be a little curious. Even excited.
It’s been five month since we lost Python after the shooting at the school in Montana. Five months since he gunned down seven children in the third grade, and was gunned down. Five month since I hit the button that scattered him across the outside walk where he had fallen. Five months since I finished him before he had even drawn his last breath.
Since he was terminated life has grown rather dull. No more missions, at least not real ones. Nyx and I were demoted to the discovery of people for other teams to hunt. Now I am stuck on running sweeps of home computers, and phone conversations.
In the course of the multiple hours I spent, I found two suspects. They were handed up to another level of testing, probably considered for about an hour, and entered into the system as a target. That was the last I heard, but I am willing to bet that they are both six feet under.
Casting a quick glance around the room, I run my eyes over the familiar shape of Nxy’s small glass box off to the side, then move them to the empty shape of Python’s den. Can’t say I miss him.
I smile, remembering how it felt to push that button. That moment was well worth all this sitting around. I have never felt such pleasure before, and I doubt I will feel it again. Revenge is sweet.
Pulling my eyes away, I move towards the monitor against the door at the far side, just opposite of my sleeping space. Rolling my eyes, I stop next to the box, and slap my hand against it. Since the voice recognition doesn’t need any specific word to trigger it, just the sound of my voice, I pour out a loud foul spiel concerning Chimera. It feels good to tell something just what I think about the people that run the country. Even if that something doesn’t understand a word I say.
The computer considers it for a moment, and then releases the lock. Hearing the click, I push the door open. As I step through, my fingers automatically go to the engraving on the door, as they do every morning. Tracing the gold letters etched there. Chimera.
Sidestepping Nyx, who bloodshot eyes glare at me from a face that could revival a baboon for ugliness, I lift my hand to my nose. Gagging on the stench. It could not be any worse if you left a bowl of eggs on the counter for a month to ferment. Nyx isn’t only as ugly as a baboon, but also smelly enough to pass for on in the dark.
Raising my head, I glance at the vent, suspiciously. Sure enough, they’re shut. Sealed as tight as a tomb. Figures.
Hurrying my step, I slip into my chair. Touching my computer screen to awake it from sleep, I reach under my desk for the control for the air with the other.
“Nyx?” I say, sweetly, running through my notifications. “What have I told you about closing the vent?”
A rather too obviously fake yawn sounds from behind me. “Beats me. You are always spouting nonsense.”
Ignoring him, I scan my screen. “You have got to be kidding me,” I breathe. Displayed on the screen, gently pulsing red, is my orders.
Newly arrived. Escort to special training 2394. Lethal force authorized.
I scroll down, eager to know who they hauled in this time. Eric. That is all. No last name, they never give that away, and no pictures. I shrug. I’ll be able to see him soon enough, anyways.
I’m pushing my chair back, and standing when it hits me. Sinking down, I take another look. Just to be sure I didn’t read it wrong. Lethal force authorized.
Lethal force. They don’t ever give permission for that unless you are on a mission. Now they just handed me the order when all I am doing is escorting some bonehead they dragged out of the sewers to training.
What kind of man are they talking about?
Standing back up, I shoot a quick look over at Nxy’s little desk. Letting my eyes drift over his white coffee cup stained black by years of use. Running a hand through my hair, I let a frown settle on my face, feeling it crease my forehead. Thinking it through.
A new agent is good. Means that one of us will get the job of getting him ready for the field. Of course there is that number, 2394. The blueprints I managed to extract from the system had shown them to be a part of this Chimera center dedicated to testing new forms of training. You can understand why they experiment when preparing a newbie can take years. But if they change it around, I might not get the assignment.
Another couple years of paperwork. More reading and watching video. Authorizing testing of new drugs on soldiers brought here just for the occasion. With the country’s new craze for war it’s never hard to find a guinea pig.
Shooting one more deliberate glance at Nyx as he sits there, hunched over his computer, I push my chair back. Sighing, I climb to my feet, casting a wistful look at the empty coffee pot on the table between us. He drinks it like water, though I haven’t seen him touch the real thing. It’s always coffee or some other stimulate Chimera provides. There is never any left for me.
Bending my head, I locate a certain key on the keyboard and press it. The sharp beeping starts again, increasing in volume at my repeated jabs at the button. Turning I meet his eyes, flipping my hair over my shoulder and moving towards the door.
“Live with it,” I bite out, pressing my palms against the glass, and pushing it open. Stepping out, I hold his squinting gaze until I hear the door seal behind me. Then I turn away.
Nyx is a fun person to exchange insults with, but never let him see you waver. He will pounce like a vulture. A hyena. Not hungry for blood, but pain. You have to be, if you want to survive in Chimera. Mercy does not belong here.
This reminds me, if they have given me permission to use lethal force, they will be giving me a weapon. I get a gun. A grin sneaks over my face. There’s a silver lining in every cloud.
Humming a tune, I head towards the door settled between Nxy’s on one end of the room and the entrance into the office area. Slapping my hand on the door, I stand there, impatient to get out of this hole. Red light sweeps up, inside the glass, and scans my hand.
The quiet click seems to echo through the room, and the door gives way beneath my touch. It retreats from my gentle push, pulling away. Revealing the white corridor that lies behind.
Taking a deep breath, I force myself out into the hall. Nothing meets my eyes but the gray concrete of the floor and the stale white of the wall, adorned by silver doors.
There is so many people close by, just behind those walls. Many of them will be sleeping. Or sitting, hunched over their computers. But I have never felt farther from anyone.
Shivering, a faint wind running over me, a current from somewhere above, I take a step. My shoes hit the ground with a small whisper, sounding like an earthquake through these halls. It’s strange how far away I feel from everyone, when Nyx is right behind me, huddled at his desk. And I have no idea how many people are close to me right now. How many of these rooms are filled.
A laugh wells up, breaking through my awe. Yes, it is quiet. Perhaps the halls are clean. But all the stillness and power that hangs over this building cannot hide the fact that it is stained with the blood of innocents. As am I.
Gathering courage from the thought, my step quickens, and I center my line of sight on the door of the elevator. Black against the chilly light of the surrounding area. The only bit of darkness in this godforsaken place.
Casting a look at the wall, stark in the glaring white from above, I speed up. Letting the tension of month of inactively drain. Expending itself on my sudden freedom.
I want to run, every muscle is straining forward. Reminding me that the last time was beyond the stretch of my memory. But I don’t. I have a long walk ahead of me, and if I am lucky, maybe some action as well. I am going to be needing this energy, now isn’t the time to throw it away.
Reaching the elevator, I come to a halt and touch my fingertips to a monitor, perched on the wall beside it. A glimmer of blue light runs up the sides, and the doors slide, smoothly open.
Slipping inside, I crane my neck, peering round at the walls and ceiling of the elevator. Looking for two things in particular. There! I jab a mental finger up at the small box, sheltered in the corner. The camera, recording system, and destruct, all rolled into one.
“Phoenix Inferno,” I say, moving my gaze to the door, watching it close. Trapping me in a grey concrete square lighted only by a thin strip illuminator, running the length of the top. “Agent fifty-nine. Mission at Welcome Center.”
There isn’t any sign of me being heard, not the slightest whir to signify that something has been listening and is now considering my words. But I feel the floor pulse under my feet, and the elevator shoots upwards, leaving my stomach in the pit.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there PickledChrissy! Finally my mind has decided to unclog and let me start reviewing again! I haven't reviewed much in these last couple weeks because I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. It sucks xD Now though, I am in the mood to review again and I decided to review your story since I haven't reviewed it yet....sorry about that. As I've said, I am no good at pinpointing stuff that is wrong with things, big things yes but small grammatical things skip right past me =( Probably as a result of my hyper sanguine (not sure if that is spelt right.... :/) temperment.

Anyways on to the review...
First things first - Wow, that is all I have to say. Sometimes I read people's stories and its hard to get into, hard to read and stuff. Yours was amazing. I started yours and never stopped reading once. Your story rocked!! I love these kind of stories, and like to write stories like these. The only difference really is that I usually write in either Medieval or Victorian day. Anything except nowadays since I can't really write in that time period. I envy you in that way to be able to write in nowadays =P
*switches to the review side of my brain*
I have a couple things to suggest though- Number one is that you combine some of your paragraphs to make bigger ones. Sometimes three of your paragraphs could have been combined into one.
Number Two - You made a little tiny mistake in this sentence (loved the description by the way =P) - 'Nyx isn’t only as ugly as a baboon, but also smelly enough to pass for on in the dark.'
If I am not mistaken it should be - 'Nyx isn’t only as ugly as a baboon, but also smelly enough to pass for one in the dark.'
See what I did there? Instead of "on" I think it was supposed to be "one" hehehehehe
Thats all I have to say about this story except - GIVE ME MORE NOW CAUSE I AM ALREADY KINDA ADDICTED TO IT! Literally
Can't wait for the next chapter, goodbye for now!
~SelinaTheWeirdo =P
Why, thank you very much, Selina the weirdo. Yes, I'll fix that. I'm going to be posting the revised edition of this part soon.
Your welcome Chrissy xD Sweet, look forward to reading it!
Heya Chrissy:) What's up?
I'm trying to review more works than I usually do, I just realized I never reviewed any of your works (or at least I don't remember if I did? My brain's been recently fried, excuse me) so I thought I should remedy that here!
So I read this twice. The first time, to get the story down in my head with non-critic eyes. The second, to get the story down again but also to point out any things I would suggest looking over. A lot of the reviewers already pointed out good stuff, so I'll try and point out things I don't think have been pointed out.
I don't know why, but I feel like this sentence could run just a bit smoother. I think it's the part where it says, ", really just black socks..." that makes it weird for me. I know Phoenix is just being more specific, but it's the way it's written that I think needs just a little work. Maybe, "I stand after slipping on my shoes, which were just black socks with a little padding on the bottom." I just rearranged some words and added like two words. A suggestion, you don't have to take it. You can keep it as it is and maybe instead of commas, use dashes (-).
Moving on, I think you can find a better way to describe Phoenix's appearance to us. I think the mirror thing is overused, and no one generally looks into their reflection and picks out their every feature in detail. You want to make it casual. Maybe in one line where Phoenix flips her hair or runs her hand through, she could note its thickness/thinness/texture, and then maybe its color. Like, let's say curly (and do NOT feel like you have to use this exact line, it's very raw lol) "I ran a hand through my hair, careful not to tangle my fingers in one of the many curls." Same kinda thing if you wanted to talk about its thickness or color. She could be studying its ends, maybe it needs a trim or maybe it doesn't, and she could note its color.
Of course that's just hair. The same kind of thing goes for other features: skin, eyes, nose, etc. Pepper these descriptions throughout the chapter (or first few chapters). You don't have to do it all in one go. Most people skip over blocks of character descriptions when it gets too heavy. Space things out.
This may be a personal thing, but I would added "himself" after the last word. Just to make things more clear.
Comma after "terminated."
I feel like a dash (-) would be more fitting than the comma. Because it's sort of like a pause, do you know what I mean? Or you could use ellipses if you want that same dramatic effect, but I know everyone feels differently about ellipses (either they hate it or love it). But I think the comma isn't right for this spot.
Also, what are "real" missions? Phoenix told us what she's up to now, but what are the real missions she's missing out on? This will give us a peak into what she's capable of or what she was capable of. What she was in charge of. How much responsibility she used to have. I think it opens up a lot more in general and lets us learn more about what she does/did. You don't have to make it elaborate. Just like how Phoenix told us what she's up to now, she could briefly run over the awesome stuff they did before.
Also I'm not sure if I missed it, but why exactly did they get demoted? Did they lose the trust of the higherups because of their previous member's doings? Perhaps you're revealing this in another chapter?
You don't need the comma after computers.
You don't need a comma after vent. If you want, you can get rid of the adverb (here: "suspiciously") by rearranging your words. Maybe, "I raised my head with a suspicious glance at the vent." Bye-bye adverb.
Speaking of adverbs, I noticed a lot. I have this problem myself, and I know how hard it is, but try rearranging your words so you don't need one any more. Kinda like the suggestion I wrote up there. Like in the other parts when Phoenix is like "I say sweetly" or "I say patiently," you can be like, "I say in a sweet voice," or "I say, my voice taking on a patient tone." Things like that, so that the adverbs sort of just disappear and you just have adjectives, which are enough. (I should be taking this advice myself but... *runs*).
*and returns* No nitpicking here. Just thinking wow. But wasn't the dude their partner too? I wonder why she didn't feel anything. I mean I know he shot those kids, and that is just unforgivable, but wow. I wonder if the organization (?) is teaching agents to choose organization over relationships (with other agents, I mean; also I mean in a platonic way; but maybe also romantically; which I think would arise with this Eric fellow... hmm)
"One" not "on"
"Are" on "is." "Orders" is plural.
(Side question: why is Nyx's desk little? Part of the demotion thing? Or what? Is Phoenix's desk little too? Why are the desks little)
Okay, I understand the frown creasing her forehead. I just feel like the "Thinking it through" came out of nowhere. Exactly what is thinking it through? Phoenix? Or the frown? I know what you mean, but it's not because you wrote it plainly for me to understand; it's because I just get it. You need to tie it back to someone, to Phoenix. Phoenix is thinking it through. Also, what is she thinking through? It should be specifically stated so we're not guessing what. We get later that she's thinking about the new agent, but that's not where we're supposed to read that. Maybe go with, "I began to think these orders through: a new agent..." yadda yadda everything else.
Does this at all make sense? I feel like I know what I'm trying to say but writing it out is coming out blah (kinda like writing stories... but I digress). Let me know if you want me to clarify further, and I'll try!
I really like this. No, I really, really like this. "Hungry for pain, not blood." Oh wow, that just makes things seem so... I don't want to say evil, but maybe... I don't know. I just really like this. It's like you're saying he goes for making them suffer, and what other way to suffer then to make them feel pain? He's not after their juice, he's after their suffering... and man. Also, the "You have to be, if you want to survive in Chimera." Dude, Chimera is badass. And the "Mercy does not belong here." !!!!!!! WHAT !!!!!!! Badass alert. I wanna know everything about Chimera. Everything.
I know I'm just quoting everything, but I ... yeah, I really like this paragraph. It really gives as an idea of what Chimera is really like. Like no mercy? Let me just stop. Let me just stop or I'll never shut up about this. Don't ever change this.
For some reason, I find this very contradictory. Her shoes make a small whisper but it sounds like an earthquake? Earthquakes are not whisper-soft. They're loud. And maybe you're trying to make a point and I'm missing it? If so, please let me know!
Instead of the comma after "energy," I think this can be two separate sentences. So maybe replace the comma after "energy" with a period.
I thought she was looking for two things? I see four? Maybe I'm not reading this right? What exactly are the two things she's looking for?
And that's it with the nitpicking. I really think this is some good stuff. I like your writing style; Phoenix's voice is strong. I like her spunk. I'm totally interested in this Chimera business and what it's really about and just everything about it (!!!!). Plot seems interesting. I can't wait to meet this Eric, and see what he has to offer Chimera. And also, why? Also Phoenix... what's her purpose here? I know this is going to be answered as the story goes on, but !!!!!!!
Ahem. Anyway. I think you have a nice thing going here. Just some grammar/punctuation errors, but nothing a good revising can't fix. Sorry this review is stupid-long but I hope this review is helpful! Also, I can't wait for the next chapter and see what's going to happen. Keep me posted!
-comrie
Thanks, Comrie! I'll tag you when the next part comes out, which should be pretty soon.
About that box... yes, I really messed up there. It suppose to be four different tools in one gray box on the side of the elevator, but I think I worded that wrong.
Phoenix and Eric don't become involved romantically. They can't stand each other for most of it. Also, she's about five years older than him... 
Yup, chimera is baadd. Makes it fun to write about. Though I do have a lot to fix.
Spoiler
No problem, and please do! I can't wait for the next one!
Alright. I shall review this, my fellow author! Oh, and I apologize in advance if my review overlaps with anything previously stated. I'm much too lazy to read everyone's reviews.
So... if the rules state that Nyx can only use it to wake up agents (which he was), why does it seem as if he could get in trouble for doing it? My main problem with this sentence is in the part "used when to wake up agents." That is grammatically incorrect. You either need to cut out "when" or change the sentence to accommodate it.
The fluency in this part is choppy. And I don't know what image you're trying to portray. The way it's told, I'm utterly confused. What glass? Where is it?
Just a quick word of advice, you're better off not using adverbs to describe speech words. If you want your speech to have a variety of tones and meanings, expand your speech word vocabulary. Believe me, the more you use them the harder it is to climb out of the hole." You dug.
That sounds weird. It could be changed around into something like "I can't help but be a little curious. Excited, even." Try showing, not telling. Explain the feelings bubbling inside of Phoenix. Show us the little quirks that make her human- show us how she wiggles her ears when she's wondering. Of course, only do that if she actually wiggles her ears when wondering.
Month should be a plural. You may want to do some heavy rewording. The outside walk? That doesn't make sense, mainly because sidewalks are already outside. Just write "the sidewalk." Now, the image I got while reading this is of some guy falling from a building, but, miraculously, not dying. Instead of going splat, he was ok. Phoenix had to hit a button that scattered his limbs from his torso like Buggy the Chop-Chop Pirate from One Piece.
Spent doing what? I need some blanks to be filled. I can't see the image like you can picture it in your head.
It should be "who's bloodshot eyes," because apostrophes, in this case, show possession. I highly doubt those bloodshot eyes belong to anyone but Nyx.
Revival: an improvement in the condition or strength of something. I believe the word you want is "rival."
First off, that's a dependent clause, not a complete sentence. I won't let you get away with this because it doesn't sound good. Instead of ending the sentence at nose, why don't you replace the period with a comma? And end the previous sentence at ugliness. But then you'd have to change the paragraph starter, too. " I sidestepped Nyx, who's bloodshot eyes glare at me from a face that could rival a baboon for ugliness. I lift my hand to my nose, gagging on the stench.
What? Did you mean "one," not "on?" I can't even tell, though I do get the basic concept of what you mean.
You don't need that second comma.
The other what?
First, she isn't saying. She's asking/calling, hence the question mark. And again with the speech adverb.
This needs clean-up. "Rather" doesn't need go here, unless you change the sentence. Why don't you just write "an obviously fake yawn sounds from behind me."
What I got from this, is that she is pushing her chair back into place, while standing behind it, when the chair suddenly hits her. She's sinking down onto the ground now. Then she takes another look- wait, at what? Her computer screen? But she's on the ground...? Imagery could be better here. Choosing the correct words is a big part of writing.
You have a name typo up in there. If you read this aloud it sounds very choppy. And "by" years of use? Years of use didn't physically stand up and stain Nyx's coffee cup black. Try changing "by" into "from."
You used the wrong word variation. "Stimulate" should be stimulant, because stimulate is a verb.
What is it Phoenix is letting the month of inactively drain? Yup. That doesn't make sense. It could be the tension she's draining, but I can't tell. Oh! Maybe the tension of a month of inactivity is being drained? But what's it being drained from?
I'd like to ask you about the name Phoenix Inferno. Is it a fake name? If not, it sounds fake and extremely cliche.
A lot of grammatical/description work could be put into your story, but plot-wise it seems interesting enough.
Cheers, internet-friend! Happy writing!
Wow! Thanks for the the review! I can tell you spent a lot of time on it.
Yeah, her name was given to her. That comes out in the next part. It is a little weird, but it has a certain meaning. I can't/won't change it. 
Yeah, I know that a lot of this work was clunky. I'll be working on it, and will post the revised version when I am done. I can tag you when I do. Would you like that?
Spoiler
Sure! I wouldn't mind that.
Hey! Wow..this was good. Sometimes I felt as if I were reading a real published book. It was really good. When you said Nyx likes to tease and you kind of gave us an example when he did that alarm scenario, I was expecting him to be some hyper but heartless guy. It came as a surprise that he was pretty quiet and heartless. Not a bad thing it just caught me off guard haha. This is really only a suggestion but if she is going to be the quiet, brooding type of gal and if Nyx is there to stay then you might want to make one of them a little hyper-ish-ish. Not a lot but some just to lighten it a bit.
Considering you've had two awesome reviewers who have pointed a lot out already, I don't want to repeat what they say. I'll have you know that I reallyenjoyed this chapter. Great job =).
Fire
Thanks, Annie! Nyx isn't there very long. He only last a chapter or two.
Shame too, I kinda like him. But I will try and liven him up a bit.
It all depends. I mean if he isn't lasting then he can be dark too. It'll make it all the more memorable for her when he is gone. It depends on what you want. Don't let me change your story
.
Heya Chrissy, first review here, since I want to keep on earning badges for KotGR.
and I don't want to fall behind.well,well,well what do you we have here? A revised edition of Inferno? Yesh! *rubs hands and looks at the screen*Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
I would move around the phrases here,because as it seems, the shoe was rubbing the sleep out of the eye xD. That's how it seemed to me,at least, the first time I read it. I actually had to reread it a couple of times.So what if you wrote:
"Muttering a curse, I rub the sleep out of my hands with one hand,as I reach down for my shoes with the other."
Okay so, I think that what you did here, the scene where Phoenix looked at herself in the mirror is very cliche. I mean,can't every writer do that? That is mediocre and all to common and to be honest, I would rather prefer to have you describe her in another way.Also most of those descriptions about looks felt like an info-dump. I actually just kind of skipped that part while reading this over the second times.
Appearances in first person are tricky,but I know you can do better.
The character's relationship,between Nyx and Phoenix <,< (did you notice that those names rhyme?) seems very annoying-bickering between eachother. My question is: Do they really have time for this? I mean,doesn't Phoenix have a mission to complete. If I were her, I would just ignore Nyx and get to it. But that's just me.
It sounds her like Phoenix knows the rulebook by memory?;) I mean,is she reciting this or just saying it from her memory. Rules or not, if it's annoying her,then Nyx shouldn't do it,right?
Do you see the repetition here? You start every setence with five months, and by the end of the paragraph I am thinking OMG! I already know how long five months is! I get that! *random rant <,<* and so I am tired of the five months repeated four times. What if you could kept the first one at the beginning and deleted the rest of them?
What if you just say: A obvious fake yawn . . . I think that it would flow better.
This doesn't really make sense, why is Phoenix so surprised when she know that they never give out last names? Isn't that normal?
I honestly don't think that Phoenix humming a tune is something that is supposed to happen in this kind of atmosphere. Sure, she thinks that she's getting a gun, but how is that fun/cool? Humming=happy times in my mind.
I don't think that it's the door pulling away,but Phoenix pulling away from the door.xD
That last phrase: "I take a step" I feel that it seems disjointed and I would just put a period after above and start a new sentence. Read the sentence out loud and then you can see.
You need to connect this sentence with a conjunction.
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You don't need a second comma.
Alright now overall I felt like I would want you to totally just jump into the action because you need a hook to pull the readers in. The MC woke up in the morning by an when clock, and that is so typical and ordinary. Like everyone does that every morning. You need to have a strong beginning if you want other people to get interested in your novel and to follow it.
Good writing, you kept me at the edge of my seat (or rather the edge of my bed;)) the whole time. Of course there is room for improvement, but isn't that needed in every work? Hope that this review helps you improve and if you have any questions than please reply below below.
Thanks, Marcy! I will find a different way to start it, and fix the mile of description. Do you have any suggestion for how it could begin?
What if you just showed Phoenix just doing the mission, or reporting to the welcome center to get the directions.
What if the first sentence was:
I had a mission to complete.
And then you talk about all that mission like stuff. Just a suggestion to get right into the middle of the action!
I like that. Cool!
Hello there! *trumpets sound* I’m here to review!

So, to start off, this sounds a bit cliche in your first sentences since a LOT of characters wake up to an alarm beeping of some sort, but it is your story so do whatever you like
So, in this, you don’t have to tell us every move that your body makes. If you tell us “I looked at the speck on the wall” we could get the gist that you turned your head. “Well what if they think the wall in in front of me?” you might ask? Well, does it really matter? The location of stuff in a room shouldn’t matter unless it seriously pertains to a story, so don’t worry about it
Nitpick: grammar: I think you meant “for waking up the agents” but “when” does not quite fit here
Okay, now after this you go into a description of your character in a mirror. Although this might seem natural, consider the thousands of other people who have written it just like this. I read in a writing book somewhere that this is called “grocery listing” and I completely agree with it. You don’t need to give us a list of details about your character (dark brown eyes, pale, long hair, black sock/shoes, lean and limber) because in reality, how many times have you read something like this and still imagined the character the way that you imagined them to be. I usually only catch the first 2-3 words of description and then I get lost in my own thoughts about her. Give us 2-3, then feed the rest to us throughout the entire story. at chapter 3 you can say “she did her best to untangle the dark knots in her annoyingly long hair, but to no avail” and then we can add that to our picture of her at our own pace. Does that make sense? (I hope it does…)
LOVE THIS LINE!
Okay, so overall, very unique storyline you have started and this sounds awesome and I can’t wait to read more. My overall impression stands at this: a little cliche in teh beginning as mentioned, a little vague on description of where character is and what colors and where doors are (there is a perfect balance of description without listing that has to be reached and I feel you are close, but not quite on point yet- if this still doesn’t make sense I can PM you a longer explanation of what I can’t seem to say at the moment) and then I love your character’s thoughts and feelings- her personality is perfect and her responses are cool. You write very very well and I really can’t wait to read more
Great job- keep it up! Happy Writing!
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I think you're right. I'll be editing that mile of description. Do you have any suggestion for how I could start it?
I'm rather brain dead this month on writing things out, my advice (I know this sounds selfish) but read my first chapter of my book and maybe that will help. It kind of comes naturally to me, I think the best way I can put it right now would be to say- don't get too caught up in the idea that "I have to say everything about my character RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!!!" Because it's just like getting to know someone. You might not know that they adore peanut butter until 2 years down the road. You get what I mean? I hope this helped a little... Honestly though, ask more questions
I'm always happy to clarify
You don't need to clarify! You already did in the review!