My name is Brianna Mattson and this is a story of how I met a werewolf named max hunter. It all took place in aurora, new York and I was getting ready to go visit my mother Rosa and my father got a divorce with her back in October. My fathers name is Luke, “Brianna, hurry up and pack your stuff we are leaving in 5 minutes”
My father said in his sad voice. He is really sad because I am going to go visit my mother for a whole year.
Chapter 1:the beginning of my new life in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
I went to the airport with my father and said goodbye to him “good bye, Brianna stay safe and stay out of trouble” ”I will dad I promise”
I told him while hugging him.” ill miss you”” ill miss you too sweetheart!” my dad said while waving goodbye to me. I finally arrived in Harrisburg and my mother was waiting for me, I couldn’t wait to see her again. When my plane landed my mom came over towards me “hey honey!”” hey mom!”” sweetie, call me Rosa”” okay Rosa”I said while getting my bags and going to the Volvo.
When we got into the Volvo we took off to her mansion. it was really big place and I got my own room.” Brianna,we are getting you a car and I would like you to meet a boy that is about your age! His name is Brandon Newton” “ BRANDON NEWTON!”I said while giggling his name.” its not funny honey” Rosa said while taking Brianna’s bag up the stairs and to her room. “this is your room” my room was just an average big room which looked a lot like a little girls room. Just then I heard a car door slam.” he is here!” Rosa said while running down the stairs. I didn’t know who she was talking about until I saw Brandon. He had yellow eyes, blonde hair, and pale white skin.” hello you must be Brianna, this is my father Hansen”” hello Brianna, you are going to love it here!” Hansen said while going towards Rosa. Then Brandon showed me to the car, it was pretty nice because it was an old 1995 sports car.” this is a little beat up but it will look nicer when you fix it!”” yea maybe we should add a few new tires and probably put a new horn in” we joked around a little bit. “well I see you at school tomorrow” “okay see you there!” so I woke up the next morning brushed my teeth, and got ready for school Rosa was gone so I was the last one out of the house. I left for Moravia High school and it was really big, everyone just stared at me when I parked my car. I walked into the office got my schedule and went to my first period class which was art. Mr. Jones was the teacher, “class I would like you to meet Brianna Mattson” the teacher said while locating me to my seat. One girl turned around and asked me” so your famous Brianna Mattson?” she said while wondering.” that’s cool, I am Clara. Next period you have math with me and Janie over
there” Janie waved over to me and I waved back and I was wondering what my dad was doing right now. Then I went into art class I sat next to
Clara and Janie today since I was new we got to paint whatever we want I am guessing that maybe it was a tradition to the School’s art classes. Then the bell rang for math. I walked with Janie and Clara math than the math teacher Mr. Madigan called me up to do a math problem. “Brianna will you please come up here to do this problem?” then I was shocked because I never get called up to the board if the teacher wanted me to do something. “sure…” I said while walking to the board. I did very good. “Brianna have you learned this stuff when you were in Aurora, New York?” then I turned to face him “yes I did” then I went back to my seat. The bell rang for lunch. The moment I walked into the lunchroom with my tray it looked like the first grade again when everyone wanted to be your friend, I went to go sit by Clara and Janie and a bunch of other people who I haven’t even met yet. Clara stood to speak “Brianna, this is nick, that’s molly, and that’s Jacob.” I then stood to speak also “nice to meet you. I am Brianna” then I turned my head and saw five people walk in “who are they?” they all turned their heads then Janie spoke “that’s professor hunter’s kids, the red head is Rennetta she is the really weird one and she is walking in with this brunnette named George and the blonde is Rona and she is with this dark brown hair and his name is Nathan he always looks like he is going to faint.” then I turned my head again and saw what I believe was max hunter “who is that?” they looked again with a big smile “that’s max hunter, the really hot one out of all of them! But he isn’t good enough for any of us though” I looked behind to look at him before I looked he stared at me that was one of the strangest things that happened to me all day.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'd really rather not nitpick, so instead, I'll give you my first impressions of your story.
Okay, so first I was like, "AUGH GRAMMARPUNCTUATIONSPELLING!" And then I was like, "Augh! Bad structure!" And then I was like, "Twilight. Shammit, Twilight."
This is Twilight, except without good spelling and grammar. Geez, it's even in first person, not to mention the fact that Clara says almost the exact same thing about the Hunters as Jessica says about the Cullens. I don't like Twilight, I'll admit that right now, and also I'll admit that I *very past tense* read the books. They're a cheap drug for insecure girls who want to waste lots of time doing nothing.
But why bring it into your story? After I read Twilight, I'll swear my writing suffered. I had lamer ideas, my structure and dialogue sucked - it was just like getting off a drug. So I went and read better books. Lord Peter Wimsey, The Hollow Kingdom, Lord of the Rings I, II, III, Howl's Moving Castle, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. They helped me think better ideas, write better stories, better characters. But Twilight didn't; it made my writing tons, tons worse. So, even if you 'like' Twilight, and insist on reading nothing else, at least, please, don't write about it. We've already had to suffer one Stephenie Meyer -- I'd prefer not having to endure another.
I'd critique this story if it were yours, but since it really wasn't, my only suggestion to overhaul it completely. If you like the idea of a girl starting a new life somewhere else, that's not bad at all, although I mayn't care for it. But if you must write one like that, please make it your story, and not someone else's.
Good luck! I hope you read some of the books I recommended; they'll improve your writing to - no - end.
-SELA
hey there im not a greeter but Welcome to YWS
um i completely agree with Sam this sounds exactly like Twilight right now
u have to be careful with that but u got a good idea
theres alot of typos but i dont hav time to go over them right now.
my biggest concern is plagerism.
U can use ideas from stories but not follow the entire plot.
good job anyways
K A M A S
Hey, I'm MJ.
And Sam took everything I was going to say! XD
So everything she said, I agree on.
Anyway, I'm a Greeter, so...WELCOME TO YWS! If you're lost or can't find something just PM me! It's my job and pleasure to help out the newest members to this community.
Have fun, make friends, and start writing!
MJ
Hey prettynwerewolf4!
Wow, you're super new! Welcome to YWS. Before you get started, make sure you read the rules and review someone else's work. We like to have a ratio of reviews to posts of about 2:1. It's not meant to be mean; reviewing other peoples' things help you with your writing, and also help you to make friends! I'm a moderator, too, so you can come to me with any questions that you might have, and I'll answer them.
Usually I'm not a fan of stuff with vampires/werewolves, but this looks like an interesting story! However, you'll want to be really careful, because it sounds almost exactly like Twilight. It's perfectly okay to be influenced by other authors, but you want to make sure that the story still sounds like you. The divorce, the Volvo, the two guys...pretty suspicious! I'm sure you're a great writer, so work hard to make it your own. Then, you can show off.
PUNCTUATION STUFF
I used to have huge issues with this before someone sat down to explain it to me--punctuating dialogue is really rough. This link was created by another member and is helpful in putting your dialogue together. Being careful with your formatting shows readers that you care about not only what your story says, but how it looks. And ultimately, when you have that stuff down pat, then you get more critiques about content, and less about grammar. Grammar critiques are no fun at all! Let's try to fix a paragraph, just as an example.
BACK TO REALITY
Here are a few questions I had while reading your story:
- Why is Brianna visiting her mother?
- Why would the mother have her daughter call her something other than...Mother?
- Why would she buy her daughter a car?
- More importantly, why should she meet this kid named Brandon?
It's important not to overload your reader with information, but it's important to anticipate the kind of questions that they will ask so that you can work those explanations right into the story. It makes the story a lot easier to read!
Thanks for the read, prettynwerewolf4! Please let me know if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else.