I find myself trapped
In my own private fiction
no one can see cause
A long time ago
I uncovered the dark truth
that no one likes me
So I hide alone
sheltered from people who lied
and also the truth
Hiding is not safe
But escape is difficult
It's impossible
I’m empty and numb
I wish someone would notice
I fear it's too late
If you could help me
Then I would be quite thankful
But it is hopeless cause
I find myself trapped
In my own private fiction
no one can see me
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks for sharing this poem concerning a deep sense of loneliness from which there seems to be no escape. Whether this is about you or you are using a persona, I don't know. But it is irrelevant to how the poem stands or falls on its own merit.
Did it convey the intense sense of loneliness? Yes it did. The tone of the poem did reinforce the sense. Did it convey clearly why the speaker feels deceived and unloved or feels that he is in a hopeless condition and that any attempts at helping him is useless? No it did not. The reader is left to ponder about these things and the possibilities are many.
Suggstions
A few hints that inform the reader about the events leading to this situation and about certain crucial statemenhts would have been helpful. For example: if he considers his situation based on lies, why then is he still motivated to be influenced by them. Also, providing a few hints about why escape difficult and hiding dangerous would have created more clarity.
BTW
If indeed this is truly about you and not a persona, please feel free to message me via PM. Talking about such things can lead to enlightnment which might prove helpful. Lookng forward to reading more of your work.
Not a bad effort. It's unhealthy to cut ourselves from people when we feel the massive amounts of pain this world has to offer, but sometimes we do it anyway. There have been times where I needed someone to talk to, someone sensed that and approached me and I told them I was fine. It's an odd thing. In that regard, I think your poem is very easy to resonate with and captures what it's like to be unwantedly isolated.
In your future poetry, you should try to play around with form and move around the words to make it read differently. This poem in particular would benefit from having more spaced out stanzas so the areas of isolation have more room to breathe. The formatting for this website's editor is convoluted, so what I do is just screenshot the Microsoft Word file using Snipping Tool on Windows. On a side note, I'd avoid insulting your own writing in your description in the future. Have some confidence in yourself so your reader can return that confidence.
I don't know how personal the narrative of this poem is to you, but if you need someone to talk to regardless, my PM box is open