Published August 25, 2008
as the sea waves sofly caress the mud-rimmed shores the ever-caring mother beholds her child an angel. in the midst of turbulence she lays still praying her loved one home as the seas lays aside its burdens of day
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I thought it was okay; it's kind of short though and I'm not really sure if I get the point. Also, at first, I only saw the first few words of the poem. I think you should reformat it and make the poem longer.
Welcome to YWS!
I'd like to remind you that we have a 2:1 ratio here, that is, we review two pieces of work by someone else before posting one of our own.
This is very promising. It's not really in a poem format at the moment, so I'll suggest something like this:
as the sea waves
sofly
caress the mud-rimmed shores
the ever-caring mother
beholds her child an angel.
in the midst of turbulence
she lays still
praying her loved one home
as the seas lays aside its burdens of day.
That's just one example of how you could structure this, which, as I look at it now, is really lovely. I like how you seperated the word "softly", so I gave it a line of its own. I loved the way you made the waves and the mother both sound gentle and loving. "the seas lays aside..." should be "the sea lays aside..." or "the seas lay aside..." because it isn't right grammatically otherwise. Mud-rimmed shores is also nice, so all you need to do is give your poem a bit of structure, and it will be really great. Very good job.
Welcome to YWS! wooop!
Ok seriously, try and format your poetry in a way that people can read. I nearly missed your poem entirely; which was fantastic! So it would have been a crime to have missed it.
I love the simplicity of the verse. It was so evocative and deep, and yet it was not cluttered or elaborate.
Well done!
Love
Kris
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