Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
CRY OF AN ORPHAN
Some say that all men are born equal. I doubt it to the core. I was born in a shackle. Born as a desolate soul. I look upon the world with fiery contempt. I hate this world that defines my existence, a fragile one. I still remember the silhouette of my mother. I remember clinging to her fingers with fear. I remember her cry...that sorrow. The cry of the proletariat. The race of misfortune. I look at those rich boys who have all the pleasure in their life. Their life blessed with fortunes and luxury. And I look among my brothers..the children of slums. I want to rebel. I want to break free from this world of suffering. I am filled with an indomitable spirit for existence. Yet I hate my very existence. Life for us seems like a struggle. And I look at them I am filled with hatred. I am filled with disgust. I want to put down this world that breeds different class of people. I want to demolish the existence of my own existence. I am an orphan, an orphan of choice. A choice of the rich. A choice that I am devoid of. I choice I could never make.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
The only thing I hate about this story is the fact that it is SO SHORT. Like, c'mon. Are you teasing me? What are you doing? That is so not fair.
I love this. Very much. It is so sad and true and realistic and I don't think people realize the horrors that Orphans face at times. I'm proud of this accurate portrayal through the written word.
I wish this wasn't the case. I wish I could do something to fix this problem that our society faces. This piece makes me want to work extra hard to fix all of these things and try and inspire.
You inspired me, thank you for that. I appreciate it in so many ways.
The first line is particularly strong. It draws the reader in. The writing is superb. You could show more, although you do a good job. Just a little more than you do now would be great. Show us an experience that this orphan has had without telling it. It's possible and could be great!
Anyway, the last few lines are also great. Oh my goodness. You have a way with words my friend. It is very strong. " A choice I am devoid of" stings my heart and pains me to read. It aches my heart. I wish these things could change.
You have a skill in writing.
Question: Is this based on a true story? It sounds like it. And that makes it more painful to read.
Classes should not exist. That is another strong point of this piece. Break free from the suffering. More apparent pain, so palpable.
Thank you for writing this, I hope more people read this and begin to treat orphans as real people equal to the rest, without discrimination. In a perfect world.
Continue Writing!
- Cody
The opening line is awesome. And everything else is powerful and hard-hitting. It kind of sounds like the story I'm writing, in a way. Locking yourself in the mind of a person who has severe contempt for the world around them because of their misfortunes is a hard thing to do (I should know because I've been in that mindset for my own book character for well over a year), but you did it perfectly, and captured the emotions so gracefully and yet harshly that it strikes the reader. Your writing style and choice of words are very beautiful.
You're a talented writer. Keep writing!
Hello, prabhathmathew! Dracula is here to review on behalf of the Earth Kingdom.
Some say that all men are born equal.
Bam. Opening lines are so important, they make the reader either shut the book (or webpage) or desire to keep reading. This was a great opening line, it gets straight to the point and makes me want to find out more.
Life for us seems like a struggle.
You don't have to say that it seems like a struggle, because it's clear that you know it is.
I choice I could never make.
A choice I could never make.
I am an orphan, an orphan of choice. A choice of the rich.
This line is very illuminating. I'd never thought that being 'poor' was a choice, those people didn't have a choice. But you're right, it's the choice of the RICH. They have the power to help these people, and most don't, so it's their choice.
This was a really good piece of writing. In the short word count you sent a clear message, and I'd encourage you to write more like this. You could really make a difference by writing about these subjects.