SUMMER,1973
ACT ONE
One.
Estella Hawkins was born on 1973, March 18th. doesn't sound like anything odd right? That's where you are wrong. In the Hawkins family, they tend to lie low, never once liked to seek unnecessary attention, keeping things inside the four walls of the house.
That's why Estella’s parents always found her odd. Not the good type of odd. The day she was born, Estella's first word was “mask”.not very ordinary is it? That's why Daniella Hawkins and Arthur Hawkins were puzzled.
From an outside person’s point of view, nothing seemed out of place, but her parents knew something was weird. Estella’s eyes glints terror, mixed with emotions, but her parents shook it off. Probably nothing weird, just some mixed-up things she went through.
That's when they were very wrong.
The night she was born, her parents brought her home. The family celebrated, throwing a grand party. She had a brother, did I forget to mention?
Aaron Hawkins. born in 1968, march 18th.
The entire family bloodline has only had one child. For centuries and eternity. She was the second child. She broke the generational culture.
And since then, things started going downhill very, very fast.
WINTER,1988
Now, Estella is fifteen, turning sixteen soon. The past fourteen years of her life have been built in this house. Mr. and Mrs. Hawkins refused to let her go outside and explore the world.
She has been denied to go out and do the simplest of things. Since she was six, she has been homeschooled. She has found life quite unfair as her brother, Aaron got to go outside, got to go to public school. She got used to it by now, not being able to get what she wanted, although her parents said: ``it's for your good, we just want what's best for you.”
Estella always thought back “you don't protect someone by locking them up in the house.” but she kept it to herself, as always.
She was taking psychology classes that Mrs. Hawkins signed her up for. Estella was always curious about that aspect, how brains function, and what they can do.
At the age of twelve, Estella was able to accomplish studies that people the age of seventeen cannot do. She always told herself that even though she was the second child, she was smarter than her older brother and that she was special.
She truly was.
Estella’s life has been kept simple.
In the mornings she would take her core subject lessons, then in the afternoon, she would water the plants that she kept in the attic. Then she would return to her study to revise her topics that she studied herself till dinner, then head down to eat and go to the library to browse for books then head to sleep.
She has had her life routine surrounded by these for her entire existence. That happened the next day again. or so she thought.
The next day’s morning went by as usual but she finished lunch half an hour early.Estella decided to wander around the house,trying to find anything interesting to do in the large mansion. “As if there is anything to do in this plain house.” she grumbled to herself.
She walked around the basement floor,trying to find things to clean or do.she walked around in circles,standing in corners for periods of time,till she accidentally tripped on a needle hook.
“What was that!”she frustratedly said.
She stood up,dusting her skirt.She picked up the needle and tossed it away in the garbage bin nearby.
Estella then went back to her study and what happened then was completely forgotten.
“Estella!Come down for dinner!”Mrs Hawkins yelled from below.
“Okay!Give me five minutes Mother.”Estella said back
She took her time to stroll down the stairs,walking to the dining hall.
Aaron sat on the left and her parents on the right.
Tension could be felt between the four distinctly this dinner,although the two siblings had no clue why.
Estella was smart,she knew her parents were hiding something from them,just that she didn't know what.
“Mother,Father.Is there something you would like to inform us about?” Estella said with a gentle voice.
Mr Hawkins cleared his voice,shaking his head,clearly uncomfortable.He didn't expect Estella to ask that question.
“No!Not at all Estella,why would you think so?” He said.
“You and Mother are acting oddly.What's wrong?”Estella asked,eyeing the two.
“Well you see,Aunt Katrina passed on today…”Mother said solemnly. “We are heading to her funeral in an hour.”
“Can I come along?”Estella asked,seeking to go outside.
“I don't think that is a good id-”Mother started
“Daniella,let her go outside.I think it would be a good chance to let her see her relatives!”Arthur Hawkins chided.
Daniella thought about it “just don't go running around town okay?”
Estella’s happiness could not be expressed.She was practically over the moon.
You see,her entire life she has never gone out,so now that she had the chance to,she was going to ignore her mothers remarks,she was going to explore the city.
“Estella,i have a dress for you to wear for the funeral.It’s in the basement.Could you get it please?”
“Sure mother,”Estella replied.
She walked down the creaky stairs,the sound making her ears ache.When she walked on the floor,she tripped on a nail. “Ouch!”The nail rolled on the floor towards a corner.
“Didn't I get rid of it?”she mumbled to herself,but nonetheless thought nothing more of it.
She walked to the closet and grabbed the black dress, and went back upstairs.Along the hallway of the second floor stood Mr Hawkins on the phone.
“What do you mean he fell down and broke his neck?”
Voices could be heard across the line.
“No other reason?”
Muffled voices replied to him.
He hung up the phone after a quick goodbye.
He trudged into his bedroom,greeted by Mrs Hawkins taking out the laundry.
“Christopher passed on about 20 minutes ago.Fell down the stairs.”
“That’s unfortunate…”
He nodded his head.
A comfortable silence passed through for a while.
“Do we tell the children?”Daniella said,a worried look could be shown across her face.
Arthur Hawkins thought about it “I think so,its not good to hide things like these from them,i think it's fine to tell them.”
Snow compiled outside the house belonging to the Hawkins Family.
Maybe the legend was right,their family truly was different.
Not in a good way.
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey there, Juliet here.
Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed this suspenseful first chapter.
Firstly, I like that you have set your characters as being born a few decades ago - this caught my attention as the natural thing to do is to write a story set in the present or very near past, as this is what we know. I thought perhaps you could add some more details about what life was like back then if you are able to do some research? No worries if not, just an idea! If you told us more about where we are and what is happening in society and the world, this will help paint a picture in your readers' minds even clearer.
I liked that you changed the sentence lengths with short snappy sentences and made one-sentence paragraphs hooking my attention. I would say I definitely feel like an atmosphere is beginning to be created here, and that to add more depth and imagery you could describe the setting and Estella's inner feelings in more detail.
Although you have created suspense already, to add some more you could perhaps try to add in more 'ordinary' or uneventful things happening, although I can see you have started to do this, which has added some nice contrasts to the more unusual events. If you go into more detail it will slow the pace and therefore make the more dramatic moments more shocking.
Overall, I like where you are going with this and hope you write some more!
I hope this all makes sense, is helpful to you and I hope you carry on writing!
All the best
Juliet
thank you for the review!i appreciate the comments:]
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I enjoyed reading this first part of the story! I enjoyed the mysterious death at the end and the nail that keeps coming back. I'm curious as to whether that had anything to do with the death or not, since it seems like both times Estella ran into it, someone passed. I love how you've already got the intrigue going even though we're only on the first chapter!
One thing I enjoyed was the plot so far. I enjoyed the beginning and how you immediately informed the readers that something was different about Estella. Contrasting her birthday with her older brother's was a nice way of showing how she broke the only child tradition her family had. I'm really curious what repercussions her first word is going to have, as well. The way you show something is off about Estella continuously throughout is nicely done. I do have to say though that stuff seems to be happening a little fast, in terms of plot. A lot of stuff also seems a little random, like that dress in the basement, like her mother was letting her go to the funeral all along. It just felt a little too quick and unrealistic, you know? But apart from that, I think you did a nice job building the mystery around Estella and the deaths that have happened so far in the story.
One thing I would say is that there was a lot of telling versus showing. That makes the prose seem more rudimentary. You told a lot about what life was like for Estella in the fourteen years you glossed over. I'm not asking you to go back and delve into her life there, but I think you have an opportunity to really demonstrate the dynamics created between Estella and her family as well as within Estella herself from being cooped up that long. Show us how she's not like other children rather than saying it. This would also help beef up your story, since it seems to be moving a little fast now.
Another thing I noticed was that there were some points where your verb tenses were a little off. A quick proofread would fix that; you could either do it yourself, or if you don't feel like you know all the rules of grammar, find someone who does and ask them, OR use a grammar checking website or program.
Overall: nice work!! With a little more polishing, I think you could bring this up to a nice level. I love the aesthetic of the mansion combined with the break in the family tradition/curse of only having one child, and I'm curious to see how the story continues! Until next time!!
thank you for the review!i appreciate the comments!