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The sound in the dark Chap 1

by potter4life


Hello!So this is really just a short story that came to mind.

Hope you enjoy and feel free to tell me where i can improve!

Sheryl woke to the sound of the smell where she knew was her mother making bacon and eggs for breakfast.She dragged herself out of bed and went downstairs.

"Hi honey!here is your breakfast i have to go to a business trip so here is money to buy food and i will be gone for a week and take care of yourself!"

I nodded and spotted a window that was not there before.I quickly tugged my mother's clothes and asked her

"Whats that?"I pointed at that window 

My Mom said "Where?"

Suddenly it disappeared when my mom looked at it.

I felt really curious so i just said "Nevermind."

After Mother left,it appeared again.

I walked over to it and opened the window and put my hand through it.I suddenly got dragged into a complete darkness and i blacked out.

Thud!

I felt a hard impact placed on myself and i saw a hole that had light through it.I walked towards it and it gave a small whisper i tried walking to it but i just got thrown back.I looked around me but no one was around.When i look back the window i used to get here was still there but i persisted and wanted to find out what is that sound.


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Tue Jul 07, 2020 2:23 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi!! After many spells exchanged in Randomosity I was looking for a story to review and though I'd check your portfolio. So here I am.

First Impression: Its is really short for a chapter but hey no one ever said a chapter couldn't be short so I'm not going to judge. As for the story itself it's a really intriguing first chapter. Drags a reader in very quickly so that's a great thing to have in a first chapter.

[quot]Sheryl woke to the sound of the smell where she knew was her mother making bacon and eggs for breakfast.She dragged herself out of bed and went downstairs.[/quote]

I think you should cut the sound part there. Either you should say sound of the bacon cooking or smell. The way you've phrased it sounds like the smell itself has a sound and that is obviously not possible.

"Hi honey!here is your breakfast i have to go to a business trip so here is money to buy food and i will be gone for a week and take care of yourself!"

I nodded and spotted a window that was not there before.I quickly tugged my mother's clothes and asked her


Here I feel like you should probably be adding a bit more of a reaction that a nod for the character's mother about to leave on a business trip.

Suddenly it disappeared when my mom looked at it.


That part is the best here. Very spooky and it draws you right into the story out of curiosity for why the window is doing that.

I walked over to it and opened the window and put my hand through it.I suddenly got dragged into a complete darkness and i blacked out.


So she fainted?

I felt a hard impact placed on myself and i saw a hole that had light through it.I walked towards it and it gave a small whisper i tried walking to it but i just got thrown back.I looked around me but no one was around.When i look back the window i used to get here was still there but i persisted and wanted to find out what is that sound.


This last paragraph is paced way too fast. You could draw this out a lot more here. Describe the feelings that go through her mind and describe the place that she just arrived in. That would add to the tension and flesh this out more.

And that's it.

Overall: The idea is really good in my opinion. I like the disappearing window and this mysterious sound is also exciting. Only thing is we don't get any sort of development on what sort of person Sheryl is nor do we get much of an idea about the setting of the story. You need to do a bit more description to make those clearer.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Jun 03, 2020 2:43 am



Hey, potter4life!

This is a very intriguing beginning to your story, and I am excited to read the rest of it!

There are a couple of things that you can work on though:

First of all, your story progresses very quickly, and in certain cases this is good, but in this case, it is the writing itself that progresses quickly. It is important to slow down, and develop the scene, crafting every detail so that the world can come into focus for the readers. Readers should be able to imagine the mysterious allure of the window that was not there before, and be able to realize the importance of it within the story.

There are many grammatical errors, but they can easily be fixed. It is mostly the letter "I" being lowercase, instead of capitalized.

But otherwise. . .

KEEP WRITING!!! (VERY INTERESTING)




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Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:36 am
soundofmind wrote a review...



Hey potter! Here to review!

Sheryl woke to the sound of the smell

Smell has a sound? Maybe you could say Sherly smelled bacon and could hear the sound of it sizzling? That would clear up some confusion!

Also, I'm not going to run through the story and nitpick capitalization and grammar, but I'd definitely take a look through it and clean some of it up! There's words that need to be capitalized at the beginning of sentences, and spaces that need to come after periods.

I felt really curious so i just said "Nevermind."

Sheyrl, I'm curious too, but that also sounds terrifying! Spooky disappearing window.

I walked over to it and opened the window and put my hand through it.I suddenly got dragged into a complete darkness and i blacked out.

I know this is how the story's supposed to go - she's curious, so she goes in, but I'd like to see more description in here. What is Sheryl thinking as she approaches it? Is she wary? Does she think it's real or a dream? Is she scared at all? What's the window look like? These were all questions I was wondering while reading! It'd be awesome if you added in a bit more description. You do a lot of telling us what's going on, but I don't have a very good idea of the setting, or what the characters are feeling.

Even when Sheyrl's mom said she was going on a business trip, Sheyrl was just kind of like "okay." This is a totally fine reaction, but if it doesn't phase her, explain why! Does her mom do this all the time? Is this normal?

Overall, this is a cool premise for a horror/thriller type story! One thing I want to encourage you to do though is to describe more. One of the things that make thrillers work is well-placed descriptors that give just enough for the reader's imagination to go wild and spark curiosity and mystery. It's definitely a learned skill and takes time, but if you get the hang of it, it makes stories really engaging!

I hope Sheyrl makes it out of this okay! Keep writing! And if you have any questions about my review, feel free to ask!
-sound




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Mon May 25, 2020 12:32 pm
legolas1122 wrote a review...



wow potter4life it was great!well it is a short story!i mean ya !so i think here should be "Here",knew was "knew it was"breakfast i have to "breakfast.i have to, i will"I will , to a "on a" , whats "what's" , in to a "into a" , i blacked out "I blacked out so here is just some minor mistakes you know !like the capital letters Grammer mistakes so they are some improvements !!!!!(keep writing!)




legolas1122 says...


keep writing the book!(%u52A0%u7531%uFF01%uFF09



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Mon May 25, 2020 9:14 am
thepages wrote a review...



Hello, this is an interesting piece, i also want to find out about the voice and window. Jst a few corrections maybe;
"sheryl woke to the sound of the smell where she knew was her mother making bacon and eggs for breakfast..." i think you should reconstruct ths sentence in a way, maybe" sheryl woke up to the sound and fragrance of frying bacon and eggs, straight away she knew her mother was making breakfast..."
"when i look(looked) back at (you missed the "at") the window i used to get here...)
you did well with the suspense at the end of the piece, looking forward to reading more about sheryl aod her vanishing window.




potter4life says...


Thank you for reviewing!
I will write more soon!




The snow leopard is absolutely magnificent. It represents really what endangered species are all about.
— Jack Hanna