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Black Lives Matter pt2

by potter4life


thank you for all the reviews!since it was quite popular,i wrote another!Thanks for the support and likes!i never thought it was that nice!

People always told me i could lie,but only the white lies.

Why did the pain slip from only the black and only they cry?

well sorry but I would let these colours stain my mind

for i can see colour but they would not make me go blind

.

.

Colour is beauty,both black and white.

Without the blackĀ 

in the night

what star would shine so bright?

.

.

Guns and ropesĀ 

Take away the hope

strangle the dreams

kill all hope

.

.

congratulations winner

you have took ones life

You prized sinner

i call you a killer

.

.

people on their blood filled knees

begging to be freed

why are you doing this to me

i committed no bad deed.

.

.

When will we see any change?

BLACK LIVES MATTER

thanks you


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305 Reviews


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Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:10 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi potter4life! I saw your poem in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!

The main thing I want to look at in this poem is consistency. There are a lot of different ways you can be consistent; through line length, rhyming pattern, capitalization, punctuation, even descriptions and imagery. First, if we look at the line length, you might notice that the lines in the first stanza are a lot longer than the lines in all the following stanzas.

Why did the pain slip from only the black and only they cry?

If we compare the above line to the below line:
kill all hope

you'll probably see what I mean :)

It's not a rule that the lines all need to be the same length, but it does result in the first stanza feeling like it's a different poem than the rest of the stanzas. Trying to even out the line length a little might help it feel more connected.

Next, let's look at rhyming pattern! You've got some really strong rhymes, and I especially enjoyed these two lines:
well sorry but I would let these colours stain my mind

for i can see colour but they would not make me go blind


However, the pattern is a little inconsistent. If we give lines that rhyme the same letter (for example, the first two lines are "a" because they both end in "lies" and "cry"), you can see the structure you used:
aabb
c-cc
dd-d
e-e-
fgfg
-

Again, it's not a rule that the rhyming scheme has to be consistent, but it generally makes a poem feel more deliberate and polished if it is. So seeing if you can make all the stanzas follow an "aabb" pattern or make all of them follow a "abab" pattern will make the poem stronger as a whole.

Capitalization may seem like a silly little thing and not a huge deal, but I think it can actually play a big role in poetry! If everything is not capitalized, it gives a poem an informal, familiar, raw sort of feeling, whereas if the first letter of every line is capitalized it gives the poem a more formal, detached sort of feeling. You could also choose to use sentence-case (capitalizing the first letter of every sentence); it's totally up to you! I think you might have intended sentence-case for this poem, and if so, there are a couple places that are missing or don't need capitalization. I've put them in a spoiler below so you can change them if you like.

Spoiler! :
The bolded letters are the ones that should be changed for consistency:
well sorry but I would let these colours stain my mind

Take away the hope

congratulations winner

You prized sinner

people on their blood filled knees

Additionally, you could think about capitalizing all of you "i"s, as that's a proper pronoun that is generally capitalized.

Again, you don't need to change these if you don't want, as capitalization is a stylistic choice, it's just something to consider :)


Punctuation is just thinking about where you put your periods, commas, and other markings. I would probably suggest at least ending every stanza with a period.

And now for the fun part, imagery! You've got some interesting comparisons and descriptions in the poem, so let's look at those, shall we?
People always told me i could lie,but only the white lies.

^I think this is an interesting concept and you could definitely dig even further into this! Why are some lies classified as "white", while others aren't? Are they thought of as "black lies", even if just subconsciously? Why should "white" and "black" be assigned to "good" and "bad" lies when they're just colours?

Without the black

in the night

what star would shine so bright?

^This is one of my favourite set of lines, as it's very simple and concise but conveys an image very clearly.

people on their blood filled knees

^I think what you're going for here is "bloody knees" or "bleeding knees"; everyone's knees have blood in them, regardless of whether they're injured, so that's not saying much.

That's it for my review! Overall, you've got some interesting ideas but I think the poem still needs a lot of polishing to feel finished. I hope this review is helpful, and if anything I said is confusing please ask for clarification :)

whatchamacallit




potter4life says...


thanks!



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Fri Jul 31, 2020 9:33 pm
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CyberGenji wrote a review...



Okay First of all, beautiful poem, it conveys a matter that people need to pay attention greatly too.

That being said, i didn't find any major errors just a few minor ones.

1. "for i can see colour but they would not make me become blind."
Here instead of using "become" use "go"
For i can see color, but they would not make me go blind.

2. "You have took ones life"
Omitting the have would make the sentence sound more fluid.
"You took ones life"

3. "i call you one killer"
Instead of "one" use "a"
"I call you a killer."

4. "begging to let them free"
"Begging you, to let them be free" or "Begging to be freed"
Either would fit better and sound fluid

Other than that, amazing Job, Well Done.
Cyber Genji, TheAnnoyingAuthor




potter4life says...


thank you!i edited my works!



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Fri Jul 31, 2020 7:11 pm
silver877 says...



This is a great and reelistic poem this is great.





Wild animals are just as confused as people are now.
— Jack Hanna