Published March 16, 2011
And to the terror for which it speaks
A rolling bellow now beseeks
For pain that makes the great gods cry
Shall rip upon your soul in time
For now you run, you cannot hide
Fear is your essence and pain is your time
Surrender yourself to the dark
For light shall never pierce our heart
A second side, you never knew
Shall rise up and swallow you
I shall destroy you
You know it’s true
The end is near
I sense your fear
Death on silver wings
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
I have to be honest, I'm not liking this so much. The excessive references to god, darkness, souls, and death just makes it seem so cliché and tacky. When I read through this, I feel like you're trying too hard to sound deep or meaningful. Sorry to come off as rude but, this is just what my opinion on it is.
Wow, this was really good. You really brought out the emotion of 9/11, and all of the similes and metaphors are great. I agree with Funkymomo, that you could've elaborated on the ending a little bit. I couldn't find any spelling errors, (then again I didn't really look! xD) but good job!
Hey there. I'll be quoting your poem in made-up stanzas, so it's easier to read.
You'll need to beseek something, so 'For' in the third line shouldn't be there.
And to the terror for which it speaks
a rolling bellow now beseeks
pain that makes the great gods cry
shall rip upon your soul in time.
Spelling error: 'Beseaks' should be 'beseeks'. And the last line is a little hard to fit in, so perhaps you'd like to reword it?
For now you run, you cannot hide,
for fear is your essence and pain is your time.
Surrender yourself to the dark,
for light shall never pierce our heart.
Minus the comma for the first line. Commas indicate a pause.
A second side you never knew
Shall rise up and swallow you.
I shall destroy you
You know it’s true
Underlined parts could use some rewording. Using the 'You know it's true' line sounds unnecessary.
'The end is near' makes it sound like 9/11 signified the end of the world approaching. Maybe you'd like to reword it?
Hope the nitpicking helps.
Keep writing!