Published August 16, 2011
Open me up like a birthday card.
Head cocked to side, tongue rolled out
As their latex fingers grope for a
tainted object. Underneath my
marble skin, and bone.
Deep within the hum of my heart.
A dull beat, I hear faintly.
I’m hooked to something with wires
and a beep.
No longer fully human with an audible
Squeak.
My mother drifts in and out of my ugly phase.
I can’t quiver a lip or even raise
a mummied hand like wet sand,
It washes away in a desert dream.
Doctors in beak masks nibble at my brains.
My guts, spilled for your benefits.
My robe, disrobed.
I lie cold, on a thin bed and I feel their eyes.
Along my body, naked and ashamed, but
“baby, it’s okay”.
Radio blares, in the reception.
So I close my eyes to avoid detection.
I’m forced to sleep in dark alleys of my mind.
While doctors move my insides. like nothing
As if I was only flesh and blood.
No writings on my lungs to say I spoke
well of you.
Just the casual thud of a heartbeat.
While the doctors stitch me alive.
You touched my skin,
But doctors had my insides.
Such an intimate thing.
Done so casually.
Like sex in a motel
with a cigarette after.
Unlike you with your
Heart surgery. You did so well,
with a metal glint of madness.
I would die on your operating
table.
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139,319 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Hey popatemyheart,
I only saw one mistake! Here it is :
As for the poem, it was really good! Very good job!
It shows your emotion clearly and your words were amazing. Lots of nonrhyming poetry isn't that great because the vocabulary isn't good enough to make it interesting, but yours was really great.
This was my favorite part. It shows the hatred of how they can use you so easily, and your say is none.
Very good job!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
This is a good poem! The poetic diction is very simple and to the point, which is good. The imagery was very sensuous, I could actually imgaine every movement in my head. Finally, the tone and mood. The mood clearly shows discormfort and the tone sounds like hoplessness and helplessness as you lie on the operating table. Its a witty poem in all! Although there are two characteristics in your poem I didn't like. One: (This has been stated earlier) The rhyming pattern, the flow isn't good enough but that didn't obviously alter the effects you intended in the poem. To me, they were more like distractions but then again it's my opinion. Two: The layout was strange, in my opinion, but it's your poem! All in all, the poem was clear and depicted your true emotion at the time of writing. Keep your voice! It's the only thing that makes you distinct in the world of writing. As my mentor once said ''tend your flame!''
I... I... love it! And yes it defenitly fits in dramatic poetry, I love the story that it tells it's almost narative poetry! I absoloutly love it, i know i should probably tell you the things i like and do not like but the full thruth is well i like it all! I like how in the beging you kind of wonder what it is about and then it tells out crystal clear. You are an extroidanary poet just ask me and i will reveiw any other of your work this was amazing!
This is good. You can sort of feel the awkwardness and discomfort and everything of the person at the operating table. The rhyming is good, but when you're rhyming you should probably have a consistent scheme. But it really doesn't matter as long as the poem is good, which this one is. Try to keep the syllabic content of each line balanced, too. Other than that, I like the poem and the overall story of it. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading and reviewing. I hope my review helps. Good work.