Young Writers Society

Hello there, fellow writer.

Anyhow, as far as my opnion goes here, I was a bit apprehensive on what exactly you were trying to convey in the poem. Like another reviewer, I found the part where you wrote about kissing Jesus' lips rather strange at the least. I did however, like the image of the cross bearing. The Christian is not easy. It demands not only the opposition and sometimes ridicule of nonbelievers. Not just outside forces are to be battled either; internal conflicts with the flesh and spirit are waged. People naturally crave immorality, which is why people would rather live for themselves selfishly.

With that aside, I can not go any further without going on about how I am by no means a Liberal Christian, and am very much against homosexuality. Although, not in the sense that I hate people who are, but in the end, it is the just judge God's job to judge, not mine.

Happy writing.

-A.A.M.

Ha, as I was reading this, I thought 'Gee, this sounds like a Lady Gaga type song.' and then I read the spoiler.

So, overall, this isn't a bad poem. A lot of your wording was impressive; I personally enjoyed all the biblical tie-ins.

I yearn for a love so divine,
That my maker would one day be mine.
I want your body, I want your blood.
Make sense of a love that is misunderstood.#FF0000 "> (this is a kind of bad slant rhyme. A better word than 'misunderstood' would be nice.)

I cannot love a neighbour as I have loved you,
I cannot lie to myself and still remain true.
King of my heart#FF0000 ">, I ask of you this;
Would I be committing sacrilege for kissing your lips? #FF0000 ">(this line is good, but it's a bit lengthy. makes the whole stanza awkward.)

Jesus Christ#FF0000 ">; I am at a loss. #FF0000 ">(okay, you've been mostly metaphorical 'till now. I'd get rid of the 'Jesus Christ'.)
I need your strength to bear my cross. #FF0000 ">(love this!)
I am a sinner, I am impure.
But with your love I am so much more. #FF0000 ">(this slant rhyme is bad)
A prayer, a blessing, a priest won’t do
I need a miracle. Something sanctified from you. #FF0000 ">(a tad lengthy)

They may hate me.
They may throw stones.
But all my love is for you,
My love alone.#FF0000 "> (This stanza made me wonder if the poem was about homosexuality; as most devout Christians frown on it. I don't know if that was what you were trying to convey-so maybe a change is in order. If it was; then good job!)

I yearn for a love so divine,
That my maker would one day be mine.
I want your body, I want your blood. You're talking about God being your lover.... god isn't human so he really doesn't have a body though he can take human form...
Make sense of a love that is misunderstood.

I cannot love a neighbour as I have loved you,
I cannot lie to myself and still remain true.
King of my heart I ask of you this;
Would I be committing sacrilege for kissing your lips? I really dislike this. The fact that you're male, and the fact that you want to kiss Jesus all together is really making my stomach hurt a bit.

Jesus Christ I am at a loss.
I need your strength to bear my cross. good line
I am a sinner, I am impure.
But with your love I am so much more. impure doesn't rhyme with more
A prayer, a blessing, a priest won’t do
I need a miracle. Something sanctified from you.

They may hate me.
They may throw stones.
But all my love is for you,
is My love alone.

sorry if this is offensive to you but, being a Christian this weirds me out a bit.

I could sense the yearning for love, even though it might be considered sacrilege by others. Also, I could sense, you were yearning for One who would accept you no matter how weak, impure, and sinful you are. As far as the grammar, and rhyming, I'm just left wondering, but, I believe in this poem, it's not a big issue. Although, in the first two lines of every stanza, except for the last, the ending words rhymed. I think you might have wanted it to sort of rhyme throughout, but then, you just thought...."it'll have to do without the rhyming."
The flow of this poem was almost flawless.

Except when you say,

popatemyheart1994 wrote:I am a sinner, I am impure.
But with your love I am so much more.

popatemyheart1994 wrote:A prayer, a blessing, a priest won’t do
I need a miracle. Something sanctified from you.

I must say this is written very well! I am very faithful to my religion and I love how you pointed out the simplicities of loving God and following through on your part of the commitment you eternally share with him. The rhymes you used were very good and the flow was also good. My favorite part of this poem was the ending, it was very strong I didn't find any major edits, but maybe just look back at your punctuation. There are a few lines that don't have any punctuation and then the next line starts with a capital letter. --Very minor details I know--

Keep it up!
-Jessa

Well, it is a good poem, but I cannot comment further without getting into a religious debate. It is well written. Good Job. But I'm an Atheist, so for the integrity of writing,I cannot comment further.