Dust: Chapter two

by polkadotph

Published July 19, 2012

In Dust

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New name pronouciation:

Faeros: fair-oce

Cearinasee: Sair-in-aw-see

Vinarlius: Ven-are-lee-us

Dont forget to read chapter one if you didnt already!

                                                                                     Chapter two

Annaria was left alone under the red illuminating forest with large amounts of pain swelling inside her like a wild fire. The only thing that accompanied here were the lifeless bodies of human and Spirit Wolves spread around the small area. She tucked her knees in and put her head down, letting the tears run down her face.

“It hurts…Stop it…It hurts.” She mumbled between sobs. She gasped from the pain that stung her chest and her left eye. An eerie voice coming from a grey shadow that had depth and took a form of a human being appeared behind Annaria.

“It hurts…Stop it…It hurts.” The shadow laughed and perched against a tree. His laughed continued as the screams of pain filled the forest. It looked up to the bright red sky that peeped through the small opening ins the canopy of the forest, then down to the ground which had small cracks that were filled with a spectrum of green.

Annaria pulled her knees closer to her chest as the pain amplified. Then she yelled, “Please make it stop!” Annaria covered her left eye with both of her hands and collapsed to the ground. An agonizing scream found its way out of her mouth once again.

“Annaria, why are you so afraid of a natural thing?” The grey shadow hovered closer to Annaria.

“It’s… Inhuman,” Annaria cringed in the middle of her words from the swelling pain. It felt like a blade was stuck in her left eye, “To kill a person. It’s a…evil thing to do. Just what…are you?” Annaria screamed again and curled up into a fetal position on the ground. She then coughed up thick blood that dripped down her mouth afterwards.

“I’m something that appears in your dreams.” said the shadow into Annaria’s ear.

“Then is this a dream?” Annaria coughed up more blood and cringed again from the pain in her chest and eye.

The shadow laughed once then stepped away from Annaria and sat on a dead body of a white wolf which still had its eyes open. “I’m far from a dream, and I’m no ordinary shadow or creature some may say. I’m not alive but far from being dead. I’m not a shadow, but I strive on the power of darkness. I’m not a man, nor animal. Nobody can see what I truly am, but only certain people can, Annaria,” white eyes formed in the area were they should be on the shadow then mist covered the ground. The shadow laughed again at how Annaria struggled to defeat the pain, “It’s useless to try to overcome the pain. That wonderful pain was inevitable. Annaria, only special people can see my true form at times to times. But when you do, we’ll be glad to add you to our collection.”

“Collec…,” Annaria coughed up even more of a considerable amount of blood this time, “tion?” She lifted up her head to see the shadow and stared into its misty white eyes. Then the pain, suddenly stopped. All that was left was aching muscles and blood stains. Her eyes widened.

An arrow went straight through the shadow and made a loud thump as its sharp silvery tip dug into the bark of a tree. The grey shadow growled and looked at Annaria. The misty white eyes on it and the thin veil of mist that appeared on the ground disappeared within seconds. A women’s screaming voice then appeared, “Annaria, get out of there!” Annaria recognized the voice instantly.

“Valndra…Help…Please…” Annaria barley stumbled out of her mouth. She looked at the shadow being pinned down by a very large Spirit Wolf. When did he get there? Annaria thought, not being able to speak because her throat burned from recently coughing up a large amount of blood and the severe pain in her chest that appeared again. her world then started to turn into darkness and with another cough of blood, she feel to the ground, unconscious. Several guards came forward and wrapped their hands around Annaria to support her and started to carry her.

“Faeros keep that thing pinned down and kill it if possible. We’ll take care of Annaria.” Valndra ordered the Spirit Wolf. The wolf nodded then snarled toward the shadow.

“Lady Valndra, do you really wish to take her to the fifth chamber? A number of her organs are damaged, including her left lung. Her eye is strangely fine.” asked one of the guards which supported Annaria’s head. Valndra nodded sternly.

“There’s no time to heal her. It will be shortly until the real damage starts to happen, so hurry. Afterwards, we’ll heal her if this goes as planned.” Valndra sprinted forward, and the others followed.

 

Xierlius blue jewel glowed and he ignited a small flame on his finger tips and dipped it into the oil covered wood shreds of the torches on the wall. The oil immediately ignited and added just enough light to the chamber. As his deep blue eyes adjusted to the fair amount of light, he touched one of the inscriptions embedded into the stone wall. He then turned around to see the thick steel bars that reached up about fifty feet. His hands started to tremble from fear. A loud booming laugh was emitted from the darkness of the cell. He heard the flapping of wings, the wind that was created blowing back his short hair. Then a brown feather floated through the bars and landed in front of Xierlius. He looked at the feather which was eight feet in length, though he knew it was only one of his smallest feathers though.

“You pitiful humans keep on destroying this world for what purpose?” said a loud voice that echoed throughout the whole building from the darkness of the cell.

“I have a request to make.” Xierlius yelled as a chill ran up his neck. A pair of large yellow eyes then appeared, almost seemingly isolated and floating against the dark.

“Let me guess it’s to undo this mess that you pitiful humans made isnt it?”

“It’s not just to undo that, but to erase the memory of the girl too, and completely.” Xierlius looked away from the harsh gaze it gave him.

“So you want me, the one Caerinasee that you fear the most out of all of us to help you, a human?” It took a step forward from inside the cell, and created a tremor throughout the chamber. As light hit its face the eyes were no longer isolated against the darkness, but belonged to a monstrous brown owl. Its features had an orange glow from the torches that illuminated the owl making it appear, daunting, gloomier, and more sinister like. “I can create a curse upon you if I like, and it would be much,” The owl’s eyes squinted as it bore into Xierlius trembling body, “much worse than this.”

“I know that. But please, stop this from happening again, for us, for Aldenora from breaking apart.” Xierlius begged the creature that was trapped behind those bars. The owl closed its large eyes for a second, and then flashed them opened again. Instead of a yellow hue, its eyes were a striking green.

“Permanent memory loss for only this event to this child and to reverse this inevitable curse you filthy humans had bestowed upon yourselves? But what intrigues me more is that out of all people you come to me; Vinarlius the Caerinasee of Sight, the Caerinasee that hates you filthy humans the most to help you?” Vinarlius laughed then spread its massive wings across the cell then folded them back up again.

Xierlius backed up against the wall and tried not to gaze into his green eyes. “They’re here.”

The large door slammed open with Valndra in front. Sweat dripped down her forehead and her purple jewel that is wrapped in silver wire wrapping patterns that hung on a black satin lace around her neck. Xierlius eyebrows raised a little as he saw Annaria’s state. Valndra moved out of the way for the guards to gently drop Annaria inches away from the bars.

“And yet I look down on a filthy humans own creation and I feel the slightest of fear run through my very own veins? How, interesting this is.” bellowed Vinarlius as he dropped a large brown feather onto Annaria’s body, covering her completely. Then everybody that was in the chamber, or near enough to hear Vinarlius say those words, eyes widened in shock. “This will only last a minute, but it will be a painful minute, not just for her, but for everybody who is suffering right now.”

The feather that covered Annaria’s body disintegrated with a snake like hiss. The remnants of the feather then formed a white veil and concentrated around Annaria’s head. Annaria’s eyes flew open and immediately a pain filled scream was emitted. The white veil turned a blood red then vanished. Annaria’s screaming stopped and her eyes slowly closed again.

“Now then,” whispered Vinarlius to himself, “let’s finish this part.” His eyes turned a different color, this time ghastly white. A large gust of wind filled the room and pushed everybody against the stone wall. The inscriptions on the wall then lit up with a blue color and spread everywhere around Aldenora with seconds that were under the red sky and had green gas seeping from the ground. Vinarlius flapped his massive wings twice and Aldenora filled with a blinding light that slightly burned the people’s skin. It was over within a second and Vinarlius’s eyes turned back to their normal yellow color. Valndra looked at her arms and saw how bits of her skin were peeling off.  I wonder if he made us burn a little because he hated us… Valndra ginned then looked at the others who were rubbing their burn marks. Their different colored jewels glowed silently and their wounds started to slowly heal. She stood up and walked over toward Annaria. She bent down and put the back of her hand against her forehead. Her eyes widened and her vision started to get blurry. Annaria was freezing cold and was quite pale. The dried blood that was still around her mouth stood out like a black dot against a pure white paper. She wiped her eyes and stood up and gazed up at the silent owl.

 “Is it over?” whispered Valndra, placing a hand on one of the steel bars.

“Yes. The memory of this event has been permanently erased and Aldenora is restored back to normal. But still, even though I have erased her memory of that permanently and it cannot be brought back, it could still happen again if you tell her every word that she heard at that time. If she does and this happened again, I will not help you filthy humans again.” Vinarlius said.

Valndra nodded and turned around and let out a sigh of relief that it was finally over. But the chance that it could possibly happen again sent a shiver across her body. She knew that this world was low on people that could undo something as extravagant as that, and that you needed about one-hundred of those type people to even do such a thing. Valndra only has record of such people in the low thirties. She looked at Xierlius which was running his fingers through his dusty brunet hair and said, “Bring Annaria to the infirmary. I’ll go notify the healers there to gather their strongest healers. And the guards that are present here you are dismissed.”

Xierlius half smiled and replied, “Alright, my Lady Valndra.” Valndra shot him a menacing look then walked out of the chamber. The guards then left as well, leaving Xierlius and Vinarlius alone in the torch lit chamber. He walked toward Annaria and looked at her sternly. A slightest hint of anger boiled up inside of him and he closed his eyes tightly shut. “Why must I help somebody like her? She’s the cause of all of this mess.”

“So may it be filthy human.” Vinarlius said from inside the darkness of his cell.

“Why don’t you just shut your beak you damn owl.” Xierlius yelled with his eyes still shut. Vinarlius laughed then slinked back further into his black cell. Then the intimidating yellow eyes appeared to be floating in midair again. Xierlius picked up the limp Annaria and started to walk out.

“Filthy human, when will I be released of this cold, dark cell that you people imprisoned me in ninety millenniums ago?” Vinarlius said, stopping Xierlius in his tracks. Xierlius turned his head to the side where he could faintly see the large yellow eyes in his peripheral vision.

“You know the answer to that one.” Then Xierlius continued forward, with more anger boiling inside the longer he held Annaria in his arms. His blue jewel glowed then dulled down. No, when the time comes, when the time comes.

The torches in the chamber blew out and Vinarlius stood silent in his cell with only thoughts running through his mind. Filthy humans, you all paid the price of loving something and now you turned into what you are now. And we’ll see the time when I break these bars and is released from this seemingly eternal prison. It’ll come soon, very soon.

“And you’ll think twice about leaving me in this cell for so long, nonetheless even trapping me in here in the first place.” Vinarlius whispered under his breathe, inaudible enough where only Xierlius could hear him.

THANKS FOR READING <3

 

Comments & reviews · 2
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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2012

Alright, not sure if I'll get this done today, but thought I'd make a start of it ^^

Specifics

1. You should always have a space after an ellipsis and if it's part of the same sentence or thought, use a small letter instead of a capital. So: 'It hurts... stop it... it hurts.'

2. I don't think I'll point out the typos and grammar stuff, but you have a lot of them again. So proof-read! It can be very distracting to read a piece that still has a lot of errors.

3. Okay so I'm not sure what's going on so far and it doesn't strike me as really following on from the previous chapter. What is happening? Who killed the people, who is the shadow and where is the pain coming from? I think you're rushing into it too quick again, especially if this shadow is your villain. It's too early yet for a major confrontation. We need to know more about this world and these people first. Everyone wants to write the fun scenes but don't get ahead of yourself! It's no fun for your poor, neglected readers.

4.

A women’s screaming voice then appeared,
This is an awkward mix of senses. A voice is a sound, while appeared suggests something you see. It would make more sense to say the voice sounded or resonated.

5. They're doing too much talking. In these situations, there's no need for explaining what you're going to do after, there's only a need for action. Brief words. Shouts, screams, important stuff. They shouldn't be having a conversation about healing her and such, or if you want to keep it, you should make it very brief and to the point. If your characters have a casual conversation, the scene stops feeling dire or serious.

6. Characters seem to step in and out with introduction: when did Zee (yeah, I mean x guy again) join us?

7. Perspective

Alright so you don't seem to have a set perspective or perspectives in this novel and instead jump from character to character frequently. That's not working out. If you do that, your reader doesn't know what to expect so it causes confusion and it's also difficult to connect with any of the characters. I still haven't made much of a bond with Annaria because you give her back for five minutes and then snatch her away again.

As I suggested before, try to stick with one narrator per chapter. If you play with your time stream a little, you shouldn't have too much trouble making that first chapter all Annaria and this one Zee and Val.

8. I'm liking Zee's parts much more than the rest. The action seems a little slower and the reader gets a better sense of his personality. You need to do that in the other sections - strike a balance between action and character growth, or even character introduction.

9. What does this 'chamber' look like? I'd been imagining it as a cave until you called it that but now I realise you haven't actually described it - do so! Describe your settings so we know where to place your characters in our heads and can gather information about this world. Perhaps the people wear clothes like cave men and are a primitive race, carrying oil skins and living in cavernous halls. Or maybe they are more futuristic with buildings in the sky. We know so little and it's very important, in fantasy especially, to build this world for us.

Overall

My comments are pretty much the same as for the last chapter. You need to slow down and give us a chance to get to know the characters and the world they're in. This action is boring to us at the moment because it doesn't feel real and we don't care for the characters involved. That would be very different if I'd been given a chance to come to like Annaria because then I'd be scared for her.

The only one I feel even a little close to right now is Zee (I'm even fond of the nickname I've given him) but there needs to be more conversations and more normality. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? It's action all the time and yet the writers still find the time for the characters to talk and get to know each other. They manage a level of 'normalcy' even when they're in the middle of space or a war at the end of the Earth. You need to do that as well.

Okay, hopefully I've been of some help to you and feel free to ask any questions you have,

Heather xxx

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hudakp Comment
hudakp commented Comment · Jul 19, 2012

The story wasnt interesting for me to read it but it is well written.



Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein