When everything is clear

quote="bubblewrapped"]I just gotta tell you, I love your avatar. It's hilarious!

Unfortunately (dont hate me!) I dont feel the same way about your poem. Everything is not clear- there didnt seem to be much point to it, other than to describe...death, was it? And even that isnt certain. You need to structure it better, I think, make it clear what you're talking about and where you're coming from. What is your perspective on death? Is it the cessation of existence? Does the soul go on? etc. etc. From what I see here, I suppose the former, but it's not very well detailed. It needs more passion and emotion in my opinion. Death is a very emotional business after all (at least, so I'm told, LOL). A little more flow and a little less abstraction would work wonders. Plus, what do you mean by "plot"? Is that supposed to be "blot" or "plotted"? Needs a bit of work - grammar, flow, syntax, concept all need editing and refining. Sorry - dont mean to be overly blunt. Just my 2 cents.[/quote]

Thx, no be blunt please, that's exactly the reason I'm posting, to be exposed in order to be judged, my own judgment is clouded of course. So be blunt! It only helps. I know the title might be not so well chosen. It’s not exactly about death, but about that low point in your life, where you get to see your dark side, and things become clear, like being one with the universe, near death, but not yet it. But I guess if I need to point this out, your right it needs refining. I will make adjustments later I think.

"So bitter it tastes like sugar"
Interesting analogy but it came out a little corny.

"In black…not pink"
I must admit, I liked this line but

"And you must die
From the inside out you bleed
Praying for it to end."
Shattered it. I'm sorry, but this poem wasa little bit expected. I understand what you may be going through, as many other adolescents are going through the same sort of thing. However, I try not to give the sympathy vote, because that' not really critquing poetry.

Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent
Title ..... | - - : - -|
Flow ..... | - - - : -|
Creativity ..... | : - - - -|
Imagery ..... | - - : - -|
Language ..... | : - - - -|
Consistency ..... | - - - : -|
Length ..... | - : - - -|
Ending ..... | : - - - -|
Overall ..... | - - : - -|

I just gotta tell you, I love your avatar. It's hilarious!

Unfortunately (dont hate me!) I dont feel the same way about your poem. Everything is not clear- there didnt seem to be much point to it, other than to describe...death, was it? And even that isnt certain. You need to structure it better, I think, make it clear what you're talking about and where you're coming from. What is your perspective on death? Is it the cessation of existence? Does the soul go on? etc. etc. From what I see here, I suppose the former, but it's not very well detailed. It needs more passion and emotion in my opinion. Death is a very emotional business after all (at least, so I'm told, LOL). A little more flow and a little less abstraction would work wonders. Plus, what do you mean by "plot"? Is that supposed to be "blot" or "plotted"? Needs a bit of work - grammar, flow, syntax, concept all need editing and refining. Sorry - dont mean to be overly blunt. Just my 2 cents.

hahaha, thx! I know that sugar is sweet. But sometimes things are so ugly they are beautifull.

Mooi Mooi... I like your way in words !!

So bitter is the end
So bitter it tastes like sugar

I like this line

Soo bitter it tastes like sugar..sugar is sweet
really really great comparisment !!